Dan's Awakening
by DarthMarth
Summary: Back in Elibe, Dan was the "tactician with the master plan(s)". But after waking up in in another field in Ylisse with a new Fire Emblem player's guide, he must plan and lie his way through an adventure of mayhem, misunderstood game mechanics, mistaken identity, irony, heartbreak, pine needles, and more crossovers. The sequel to "Revenge of the Dan" has finally begun!
1. The Dan Awakens

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the First—"The Dan Awakens", or "Dan Forswears, Swears Revenge"

* * *

 _Recap: The tactician Dan's mission to save the land of Elibe at the head of his small band of skilled, unusually attractive fighters from all corners of Elibe was going well. Thanks to the Fire Emblem player's guide he had somehow come to possess, he was known for always having a "master plan" to see the band through every fight on its mission to stop the dark druid Nergal from plunging the world into war and dragonflame. But one day, at the threshold of the Shrine of Seals, Dan's hatred for the prepromote Marcus and his general exasperation with his units' foibles got the better of him. He ran off and engaged Marcus in single combat, finally slaying the sucky Paladin after an exhausting and awesome battle. But then, when the party's flying units inadvertently spent the party's gold reserves many times over on an ill-advised shopping spree, Dan grew so enraged that he exploded. Literally._

 _But this was not the end of Dan's story. Not long after his explosion, Dan found himself awake, having been resurrected as a morph by Nergal. In exchange for his restored semblance of life, he was tasked with undermining and destroying the group he had once led—a mission he was all too happy to accept. He pursued a number of schemes for making his former comrades' lives miserable, such as murdering Marcus in his tent, rendering Guy mute, possessing Lucius with a demon, and sending Wil to the strange land of Magvel, where Dan's younger sister Danielle gave him the dreaded prepromote treatment._

 _Meanwhile, the party was forced to sell Eliwood into slavery to pay off the debts accrued at the Shrine of Seals, leaving Florina the only rightful bearer of Durandel—but would she be prepared in time to wield it against the dragons Nergal sought to unleash on the world? After bringing Wil back, along with Dan's older sibling Danske and the casts of two more Fire Emblem games, our heroes set sail for the Dragon's Gate once more. Nergal resurrected Marcus as a morph to lead his defense, but Dan, still nursing his grudge, fought him a second time, only to fall at the Paladin's hand. After being resurrected with no memory of his time as a morph by the mysterious bishop Renault, Dan led the party to final victory over Nergal and his dragons, no thanks to Florina. His siblings and friends never did tell him how he became a servant of Nergal and tried to kill them, and so they all lived happily ever after. Oh, and Lute found that four is the most perfect number._

 _Then, one day, Dan woke up in a very familiar situation..._

* * *

 _My...my head...where am I?_

Dan felt the sensation of grass under his head, and a gentle breeze blowing past him. His body felt weak, and his face was strangely numb. He opened his eyes and saw more grass waving in the wind all around him. He sat bolt upright; all he could see was prairieland, broken only by a few trees. His mind began to race.

 _The plains of Sacae...how? I've been...sent back. Back to the beginning. A second chance...a chance to do things right._ He laughed aloud at the glorious absurdity of the situation. "This time will be different! This time I'll cherish my units for all their quirks! I won't verbally annihilate them for minor shopping errors, or spontaneously combust at major ones! I might even let Marcus live! This is perfect! Hah-haaaaah!" He fell back down onto the grass, grinning from ear to ear. _I can't fail, not this time. Not only do I have a player's guide detailing the whole adventure, I've actually lived...well, most of it._ He still suspected his siblings had been keeping back certain details about what had happened in the last five or so chapters where he'd been dead, but it probably wasn't important anyway. He'd been dead, after all. Feeling a familiar shape in his tactician's robes, he reached into the specially-sewn inner pocket where he kept the guide and peeked at it—

 _Wait, what!? Who the flurn is he!?_

He shoved the guide back into his robes and froze, hearing approaching voices. A girl's voice: "Chrom, over here! I think he's coming to!"

A blue-haired man—the man from the cover of his unfamiliar player's guide, he realized with a shock—and a blonde-pigtailed girl in a hoop skirt came to stand over him.

"I see you're awake now," the man (Chrom, Dan supposed) said. He seemed oddly surprised at this fact, his eyes briefly widening. He turned to the girl, narrowing his eyes in anger, and spoke under his breath. "Lissa, did you really have to?"

"Hey there!" the girl (Lissa) exclaimed, holding back laughter. "I found him first and I was bored," she said equally quietly to Chrom.

"There are better places to take a nap than on the ground you know," the man continued, chuckling. "We'll discuss this later," he said to Lissa. _They seem to be having two conversations at once..._

Dan sat up. "Have either of you seen Lyn?"

"Who's Lyn?" Chrom said.

"Okay… We are on the plains of Sacae, right?"

Chrom furrowed his brow in concern, or confusion. "...no, we are in the Halidom of Ylisse. You're not from around here, are you?"

Dan felt a heaviness in his chest. So he hadn't been taken back to the beginning, but to a different adventure altogether. An adventure, he supposed, that was detailed in his new player's guide. "...no, apparently I'm not."

"Oh, I've heard of this!" Lissa said. "It's called amnesia."

"It's called a load of pegasus dung," a heavily-armored man said, walking up. "Appearing in our path, claiming to have no memory of his past, speaking of fantastical lands… Milord, he's clearly an enemy spy!"

"Hey, no I'm not!" Dan said. "I don't have amnesia, either. I remember plenty, but it...doesn't make sense anymore, I guess."

Chrom looked a little uneasy. "Do you remember your name, at least?"

"It's Dan."

"And I'm Chrom," Chrom said. "This is my sister Lissa." He turned to the armored knight, who still looked none too pleased at the newcomer. "And this is Frederick the Wary, living up to his title as always."

"I still cannot condone you fraternizing with this man," Frederick said, frowning at Dan... _wait, is he suppressing a smirk?_ "I would gladly share my lord's trust in you, stranger, but my station mandates otherwise. I cannot ignore the distinct possibility that you may be seeking to undermine the Shepherds."

"Hey, be cool!" Dan protested. _Definitely a Kent, if I ever knew the man._

Chrom stepped between them, trying to defuse the situation. "Let's take Dan back to town and then sort this out. Then you'll be free to go."

"Uh, Chrom, that could be a problem…" Lissa said. Everyone turned to see what she was looking at: smoke rising from the horizon, and distant hints of flames.

"Blast! Brigands! They've set the town ablaze! Lissa, Frederick, on me!" He charged surprisingly quickly toward the sortie, followed by Lissa and a huffing Dan; Frederick effortlessly mounted onto his nearby horse and caught up with them.

A few minutes later, they were approaching the town gate. Chrom began to slow down. "These bandits won't be bothering anyone again. They'll rue the day they crossed paths with the Shepherds…"

"And blades, milord," Frederick added.

"Er...yes, Frederick. Paths and blades." Frederick nodded slowly.

Dan finally caught up to Chrom. He'd taken the time to think a bit about his situation and sneak in a few peeks at his new player's guide, and his course of action now seemed clear. "Chrom? You seem like the main char—uh, I mean, an important person, and you found me in a field to boot. I'd like to join these Shepherds. Have you any need for a tactician?"

Chrom smiled. "I appreciate the offer, Dan. The Shepherds can use all the help they can get, and a tactical mind could be a great boon to our cause. Can you fight at all, maybe with a sword, or use magic…?"

"No, I...pretty much just plan strategies and direct units," Dan said, uneasy about how Chrom was looking at him expectantly. He had briefly used a sword against Marcus after being revived, but since exploding and being revived his abilities weren't what they had been, and long hours in front of Erk's Mage-o-vision had since done away with whatever residual fighting skill he'd had.

"You're sure?" Chrom said. "A pity. Well, then, guy-I-just-met, tell me where to go!" Frederick glared at him.

Dan felt himself starting to slip back into the familiar. Lissa was clearly a healer to be kept back from the front lines, like a less-annoying Serra, and Chrom was a sword-wielding Lord just like Lyn or Eliwood (hopefully not Eliwood). He turned to Frederick; he looked kind of like a Paladin, but seemed a lot more heavily armed and armored. "And what do you do, Sir Frederick?"

"I would think it should be obvious at a glance," he replied. "I am a Great Knight." From skimming his guide, Dan had learned that in this game—that is, adventure, Cavaliers could promote to Paladins...or Great Knights, somehow.

"Oh, a pre—er, Great Knight, eh?" Dan said. "Well then, you can just hand me all your weapons and then ride into wherever the bandits are the toughest."

"What!? You cannot be serious!" Frederick said, eyes widening. He turned to Chrom. "Milord, I told you it was a bad idea to trust this stranger!"

"Soft, Frederick," Chrom said. "I think there's more to Dan than meets the eye...this must be the first stage of an ingenious trap!"

 _Sure, you can think that,_ Dan thought, suppressing a smirk. _It'll make it that much easier to kill off all the stupid prepromotes._

"What about me, Dan?" Chrom said.

"Hold for now. Let's see what happens with Frederick." Dan supposed Chrom might be angry after the bandits killed Frederick because of his malicious orders. He began surreptitiously looking for possible escape routes he could use to escape an irate Chrom and Lissa.

"I am in position, tactician Dan! What now?" Frederick said. His horse was standing apathetically in the midst of a mob of bandits, whose cheap weapons were having no discernible effect on his armor. Dan winced as an arrow bounced off Frederick's eye with a _bink_ , but the stalwart knight seemed not to notice.

"Uh...hold! Just...hold there!" Dan said, frowning. It looked like killing Frederick off would have to wait for stronger enemies. He turned to Chrom. "You can pwn—I mean, advance on them whenever you want."

"...okay." Chrom raised his cool-looking sword and charged at the bandits with a yell. They belatedly broke off from trying to hurt Frederick as Chrom ran an axe-wielding man through. He engaged the rest of the bandits, with Frederick shouting advice.

"Behind you, milord! Watch out for that archer!"

Watching them, Dan realized how close he was standing to Lissa. He tried to inch away a few feet without her noticing. When she turned to him, he grasped at a semblance of conversation. "So...uh...have you known your bro...er, Chrom long?"

"Yep! All my life!" Lissa said. "So...are you reeeaally just an amnesiac, or are you a spy after all?"

"...just an amnesiac," Dan said flatly. "Sort of." He hoped Frederick would drop it after the battle was over.

"Oh. Well, for the record, I didn't think you're a spy. That's just Sir Frederick for you, always paranoid…"

"Thanks." He realized Lissa had been staring at him very intently. "Is there something wrong with my face?"

"Uh, no, of course not...tee-hee… ...I had better go heal Chrom!" She ran off to her brother, who was finishing off the last of the bandits. Dan followed more slowly. _Strange girl_.

"Your stratagem worked perfectly, noble Dan!" Chrom said excitedly as he approached. "Frederick was the bait, and I was the trap!"

"I still cannot recommend trusting this man, milord," Frederick said, frowning. "I could almost swear he tried to get me killed!"

"Frederick, while I appreciate your caution, it is surely misplaced regarding our friend Dan," Chrom replied. "He helped to save innocent Ylissean lives. That's enough for me."

"Sigh… Very well…"

"Anyway, we should return to Ylisstol and report back to the exalt."

"Yaaay, civilization!" Lissa cheered.

"And sleep on pine needles," Frederick added.

"Aww…" As if in response to her mood, her pigtails drooped down lifelessly. ... _how does she do that?_

"Come along, Dan," Chrom said, leading them across a bridge toward the east side of town.

As they crossed, Dan looked down into the lazily flowing river. It was especially still today. He froze at the sight of his face. It was colorfully painted all over, to look like...a flower? His clenched fists began to tremble as he stared after the departing Shepherds. _Lissa… I will have my revenge… I swear it._ He began to reconsider his assessment of her being less annoying than Serra…

* * *

Somewhere else in the blowing sea of green, a little beyond where the Shepherds had found Dan, a dark-skinned sorcerer came to stand over another unconscious black-robed figure. A sinister grin spread across his face.

"At last, I have found you… ...my son."

* * *

 _This is it—after seven years, Dan is back! In my recent, second playthrough of FE: Awakening I have accumulated five pages (and counting) of jokes, satire, and alternate plot to share! Hopefully at least a few of you remember the original fics and are excited to see what Dan will be up to in this one, but if not, I give them my totally neutral, unbiased recommendation. I'm excited to see what I can come up with as an adult with better writing experience versus my eccentric sixteen-year-old self, and hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing it!_

 **Dan: Liiissaaaaaaaaa! Get back here so I can paint** _ **your**_ **face to look like a flower! Or, uh...Frederick's face!**

 **Lissa: La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-laaaa…**

 **Frederick: Lissa, come gather some pine needles for your bed! Being miserable builds character!**

 **Lissa: Aaaaaaaaaooooooouuuuuuuuuggghhhh… Coming, Frederick...**

 **Dan: Chrom, why didn't you say anything?**

 **Chrom: Er...well, I figured you couldn't see it, and it would be less distressing if you just didn't find out…**

 **Dan: Flurn...well, that explains why everyone in that town was staring at me.**

 **Don't look at me, I'm just the omnipresent, omniscient voice that tells people to read and review. I have no power outside this bolded section at the end.**

 **Dan: Some help you are, voice...**


	2. A Most Unwelcome Reunion

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Second—"A Most Unwelcome Reunion", or "Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum"

* * *

Dan sat a short distance from the roaring fire, finishing off some smelly but surprisingly tasty cooked bear meat. He was thoroughly impressed with the speed and deftness with which Sir Frederick had woven them all blankets out of pine needles. The needle-and-cone mattresses and pillows were quite comfortable, actually. What had Lissa been whining about? He was taking the opportunity during their evening rest to more thoroughly study his new player's guide. He had a general feel for the strange branching-promotion class system and the flow of the adventure that lay ahead of them. He was still confused, though, about how the guide seemed to expect him to be fighting in the Shepherds' battles, and why it kept referring to him as "Robin".

"Ah, another bookworm in the Shepherds, I see," Chrom said, suddenly standing over Dan, who hurriedly hid the guide in his robes lest Chrom see a picture of himself in it. "Heh, too bashful to show me? That's fine. But you should definitely talk to Sumia when we get back to the garrison."

After Chrom left, Dan pulled the guide out and resumed what he'd been up to: looking through pictures of the lovely ladies he'd be recruiting and deciding which was the best-looking. So far he was excited to meet Cordelia, Libra, and now especially this Sumia person, who was apparently a Pegasus Knight. _Hopefully she'll be a better shopper than Florina_ , he thought to himself. He turned to the page for the next chapter after the prologue they'd just completed— _wait, what's that about a cataclysm?_ —and then noticed that picture of Tiki again and spent a few minutes examining it.

The thought gradually occurred to him: what had happened to his old comrades in Elibe after his disappearance? How much time had passed since he'd been with them? Were his siblings leading the search for him? Would he ever see them again?

Or perhaps they were also here in Ylisse, having come the same way he had? How _had_ he gotten here, anyway? _Flurn, I really hope Marcus isn't here somewhere. He can go to Tellius, for all I care._

A few hours later, he was jolted from his quasi-reading stupor, if possible, by the eerie silence he realized had fallen on the camp. The fire had long since died out, and except for the slow breathing of his sleeping comrades it felt as silent as the grave. He saw Chrom was awake and standing nearby, and joined him.

"It's so quiet, and dark…" Lissa whispered, walking up to them. "Where did the birds go?"

"Stay by me, Lissa," Chrom said warily. "Something's not right here…"

"Oh, right, the cataclysm," Dan said, finally connecting the silence with what he'd glanced at in the guide.

"What cataclysm?" Chrom demanded.

Then the ground erupted.

"Ahhh! This way!" Chrom shouted. They all sprinted in a random direction through the woods, dodging fireballs raining from the sky, until they reached a clearing.

"Chrom, what's going on!?" Lissa cried.

"I don't know! Lissa, Dan, stay together!"

"Meh, it's just the cataclysm," Dan said.

As the fireballs abated, a gaping portal opened in the sky above them, surrounded by a ring of indecipherable runes.

"Ahhh, what is that thing!" Chrom said.

"Here come the Risen!" Dan said, almost with excitement. In the portal two dark figures slithered out and dropped into the clearing a few dozen paces from them. "Get'm, Chrom!"

As Chrom fought one of the Risen, the other one started advancing on Dan and Lissa. "Where's Frederick the Wary when you need him!" Dan said. "Or Lucina!"

"Who!?" Lissa asked as they backed toward a large tree trunk.

"Wait, why are we letting it corner us?" Dan said. "This way!" He grabbed Lissa's hand—he supposed leaving her to the Risen wouldn't be very sporting revenge—and they ran along the perimeter of the clearing away from the shambling beast. Hearing a loud _clang_ , he turned to see a masked swordsman locking blades with the monster. Thanks again to his player's guide, he knew exactly who she was.

"Help!" Lucina said. Chrom, finished downing his Risen, came running and they both cut the other one in half almost simultaneously.

Frederick came running up, his armor clanking from not being fully buckled on. _Ironic that Frederick the Wary was the only one caught sleeping…_ "Milord! Milady! MiDan! Are you hurt?"

"No, thanks to that masked man who…" Chrom looked around them. "Hey, where did he go?"

"We'll worry about him after we put these...things to the blade. Be careful; we know nothing about the enemy."

"Actually, they're called Risen; they're undead creatures from another realm with great strength, but subhuman intelligence," Dan said, quoting almost verbatim from the guide's bestiary.

"...how do you know that?" Chrom said, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Never mind. Let's slay these...Risen; then we can question Dan and find the masked man."

"Right," Frederick and Lissa said. "Jinx!" Lissa added.

"Dan, since you're keeping such a level head, what should we do?" Chrom said.

"Go for the forts!"

"The...oh, I see! Dan, Lissa, on me! Frederick, ride for the further fort!"

"Nope, Frederick, disarm and run away!"

"Are you serious!?"

"Very."

"Milord, I reiterate, he is clearly an enemy spy!"

"Why would an enemy spy be so concerned for your safety and well-being when you're still waking up?" Chrom said, nodding at Dan.

"Uh...exactly!" Dan agreed. "Frederick, sit this one out! Chrom, it's all you!"

"What is?"

"...let's just go to the fort."

* * *

The fort turned out to be surprisingly pleasant for being abandoned, with robust iron-barred doors, a small infirmary, two bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, plenty of floor space, a two-horse stable, and a very attractive kitchenette on the second floor with the option to sublease it as a separate unit! Send for your military real estate agent today; deals like this won't last long!

"Whoever designed this place knew what a soldier wants!" Lissa exclaimed, taking it in.

"Right," Chrom said, barring the door. "Dan, come up to the roof and help me watch for the enemy."

A few minutes after they went up, Dan saw something moving in the dark, coming out of the trees. "Chrom, over there!"

"I see it. It's...mounted...looks kind of familiar, actually."

"Captain Chrom!" A gruff shout came from the rider. "Save me! Quick, let me in!"

"Sully?" Chrom said. "I haven't known you to ever need saving from any—"

"Just open the damn door quick! Before—ugh, too late, here he comes!"

A silver-haired figure holding a bow was in hot pursuit of Sully. "Come back, my lovely maiden!" he called. "If I have done aught to offend thee, I humbly beseech thy pardon! My offer still stands! My heart swells at the faintest whisper of a lifetime of heavenly bliss with thy beauty!"

"What's his problem?" Lissa said incredulously.

 _Incorrigible flirt...he might even be a match for Sain,_ Dan thought. _Though Sain was more interested in magic than in girls of late, for some reason..._

"I'm not sure whether to let him in or not…" Chrom said, heading down the stairs.

But get in he did, and his antics continued. He got on one knee. "Thank you, good sir, for not separating me from the love of my life! If there is aught I can do to repay you—"

"You're an Archer, right?"

"Yes, sir; I am Virion, archest of archers, vanquisher of evil, defender of the weak, ravisher of—"

"Get to the roof and start shooting these Risen monsters! Sully, Lissa, Dan, let's go out and take the fight to them!"

"Perfect! I shall keep vigil at the highest parapet, so that all may mark my aim true and rejoice! Fear not, my sweet, for I shall be watching over you from above!" Sully groaned.

* * *

"Thanks, Chrom, I thought he'd never stop talking!" Lissa said as they opened the door.

"Tell me about it," Sully said. She turned to Dan. "Hey, uh, I don't think we've met before; I'm Sully. A Shepherd."

"I...figured as much," Dan said. He had almost greeted her by name accidentally, having learned she would be joining this chapter.

"Here they come!" Chrom said. "Aaaaargh!" With a yell, he charged an axe-wielding Risen and made it stumble; Sully charged up behind him and delivered a finishing lance attack to its head.

"Chrom, here come some more!" Lissa cried. Two more Risen were shambling up to them.

"Go back from whence you came, fiends!" Chrom yelled, splitting one from crown to sternum with a perfectly aimed chop.

"Yeah, take that!" Sully said as she fatally impaled another Risen. As it began to tip over backwards, an arrow uselessly shot down into its head almost vertically..

"Struck down by a veritable bolt from the heavens!" Virion called from the fort. "Did you see that, my love? Did you see how—oh, maybe next time."

"Yeah, very impressive," she said to herself with sarcasm.

* * *

A few more Risen later, the dark forest grew truly silent again. "...I think that was the last of them," Chrom said.

"Yeah...I think so," Dan confirmed, discreetly checking the player's guide in his robes.

"Sully, go find Frederick and tell him we're done," Chrom said, imprecisely indicating a direction.

"Oh, he's in the woods?" Sully said, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, I thought I saw a rider wandering around…" She turned and rode off, quickly disappearing into the night.

As if on queue, they noticed the masked swordsman standing by them.

"Oh, it's you!" Lissa said. "Thanks for saving me...you were very brave."

"I owe you my sister's life and my friend's," Chrom said, extending a hand. "My name is Chrom. What is yours?"

"You may call me Marth," Lucina said, shaking his hand.

"Marth? After the hero-king of old?"

"Uh, guys, she's totally a woman," Dan said.

"Dan!" Chrom scolded in a harsh whisper. "Not in front of the hero! Keep your crazy imaginings to yourself!"

"Am I the only one who can hear her voice? And besides, she's totally also your da—"

"Ah, my fair lady!" Virion burst triumphantly from the fort and swept towards them. I had the pleasure of witnessing your majestic valor on the battlefield. I am Virion, archest of archers…" He knelt to kiss Lucina's hand.

"Virion!" Chrom said. "I don't know where you're from, but we don't flirt with random, male strangers in Ylisse!" He and Lissa both dragged Virion away from his latest mark. "I'm terribly sorry for our well-meaning, gender-confused friends, good sir 'Marth'. Thank you again for your assistance…"

"It is no matter," Lucina said tersely. "This world teeters at the brink of a horrible calamity, of which tonight was only a foretaste."

"You mean the Risen, right?" Dan ventured.

"How do you know so much about the Risen anyway, Dan?" Chrom said. "I meant to ask, after the battle was over."

Dan remembered what he'd read about Lucina, and decided to try it himself. "Uh...I'm from the future. Totally."

Everyone was shocked at this, including Lucina. "The future!?"

"Yup," Dan said, nodding. "It's no big deal, really. Heck, our friend 'Marth' here is...oh, where'd he go?"

"'No big deal'?" Chrom said incredulously. "Dan, if you know anything critical about the future, especially more about this horrible calamity Marth spoke of—"

"I'll share it when the time is right," Dan interrupted. "Until then, you'll just have to trust me."

"I suppose I already do, at that," Chrom said. Lissa nodded at this. Rustling came from nearby; everyone turned to face a dark part of the forest.

"I found him, finally!" Sully said, emerging from the trees. "I think ol' Fred might be getting rusty; he wasn't even armed! The other guy I found, though…"

"What other guy?" Dan asked.

"Oh, another Cavalier, the one I saw before during the battle," Sully said. "Well, technically a Paladin."

Marcus rode up behind her.

Dan fell to his knees and screamed at the sky for several minutes. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"The feeling is mutual, believe me," Marcus said dryly.

"Dan, what's wrong!?" Frederick said, coming up just behind the other riders.

Dan's mind raced. An idea suddenly came to him to kill two prepromotes with one stone. "Frederick, Marcus, fight each other to the death!"

"What!? No!" they said. "Have you lost your mind!?" Frederick added.

Pivoting quickly, he continued, "Uh, I mean...this man is _totally_ an enemy spy and not to be trusted at all! Kill him with extreme prejudice!"

"Very well!" Chrom answered. "Shepherds, attack!"

"Right!" Frederick said. "Charge!" He belatedly realized he was still unarmed, and gesturing with an imaginary lance. "Everyone else, charge!"

"Sigh...it figures," Marcus said, apparently resigned to his fate, just before he was crushed by Frederick's horse, which had been thrown at him at great speed.

"YES! YEEEES! WOOOOOOOOO!" Dan exclaimed, doing a victory dance over Marcus' crushed corpse.

"He must have been quite some spy!" Frederick said. "Just goes to show how those gods-blasted spies are everywhere! Take note, milord!" He realized everyone was staring at him after his feat of seemingly superhuman strength. "I have, of course, practiced the art of horse-fu, in case I found myself fighting unarmed."

Dan was continuing to celebrate. "He's dead! He's finally dead!" _Wait...how did he even get here, anyway? Maybe I should have asked him before having him killed. ...nope, totally worth it._ He returned to his victory dancing and thought nothing more of it.

"Speaking of spies.." Frederick said turning to Virion, "You! Don't think I haven't missed your Valmese accent! Are you a spy as well, diverting suspicion from yourself by posing as a shameless, philandering playboy?"

"Oh, you wound me, sir!" Virion said, laying a hand over his forehead. "I am but a humble archer (yet also the archest, remember), making my way through this troubled land as best I can. If I have a deep appreciation for the charms of the fairer sex and ceaselessly strive to render to them all the honor they are due, what is that against me?"

"You can trust him," Dan said; the guide had said Virion was joining in this chapter, along with Sully. _Nothing about Marcus, though_. "...future knowledge."

"Very well…" Frederick said reluctantly. "I suppose your knowledge did prove true during that last battle. But I'm still watching you."

"We should return to the camp, or whatever is left of it," Chrom said. "We march for Ylisstol first thing tomorrow morning. After tonight's events, I'm concerned about the capital."

"Can't we stay in the super-nice fort?" Lissa said.

"No, milady; character!" Frederick said cheerily.

"Aaaaaaouuuuughhh… I hate character…" Lissa said, slumping off with the others, pigtails wilting.

"Oh, and Virion…" Chrom said. "Stay away from my sister."

* * *

The camp had managed to survive the night's events, though there was a still-smoking crater fewer than twenty paces from it. As Dan was turning on his mat, trying to fall asleep, he realized someone was standing over him. He opened his eyes and could barely make out the masked swordsman from earlier.

"Dan, is it?" Lucina said quietly. "May I speak to you away from the camp for a moment?" Dan climbed to his feet and followed her out of earshot of the camp. "Look, I don't remember you from before, and maybe that's just the effects of the passage on my memory, but I don't think you realize how unwise it is to be messing with the past unnecessarily. I'm only here to save the exalt and prevent Grima's return, not to give everyone a crash course on future past histories. It's best to interfere as little as is necessary."

"Eh, the more they know, the better, right Lucina?" She drew breath again at his use of her real name.

"How do you...nevermind. Future, I suppose."

"Anyway, who exactly is this exalt and what's so special about him?"

Dan could almost see Lucina's confused look through her mask. "...what future are you from, exactly?"

"Erm...a future where, uh…look, like you said, I shouldn't be telling you any more than I need to."

"What happened to 'the more they know'?"

"Uh...well, it's true for my future and not so much for yours, because of, um...reasons...which I am not ready to divulge now, and will, um...do so as I see fit." He nodded slowly to make this more believable.

"I see...clear as mud. Well, try not to mess with them too much. I'll be keeping my distance, doing everything I can to preserve the exalt's life. Good luck, Dan."

"Thanks."

"And…" her voice began to crack a little. "Say hi to my parents and Aunt Lissa for me. … ...but, I mean, don't say it's from me, their future daughter; just...say hi." In an instant, she vanished into the shadows of the starlit trees.

"...wait, who is your mother?"

* * *

Late the next morning, they came upon the capital city, Ylisstol. "It appears the capital was spared the chaos we encountered, thank the gods", Chrom said.

"What a relief!" Lissa said; her pigtails rose and increased in volume. "Yaaaay, civilization!"

A commotion rose in the crowds. "The exalt has come out to meet us!" Frederick said. The people parted and a golden-haired woman strode toward them. Dan could tell merely from her bearing that she was royalty; that she came without any obvious retinue or guards was telling about what sort of a ruler she was.

"Chrom! Lissa!" Emmeryn said. "Welcome home. And good day, Frederick. How have you all fared?"

"Well, we shouldn't have any bandit problems for a while," Chrom said.

"Wonderful. And I see you have a new companion?" she replied, noticing Dan.

"This is Dan," Chrom said. "He bravely led us against the brigands from the rear lines. You should see the brilliant strategy he used against them. He had Frederick disarm and ride into their midst, to bait the trap, and then—"

"Yes, milord we'll have plenty of time to tell the full story of that...gamble...later," Frederick interrupted. "Forgive me, Your Grace, but I must speak. Dan claims to have some kind of selective amnesia, yet he is strangely knowledgeable about our doings and our enemies. I cannot rule out the possibility that he is a spy who has inserted himself into our midst."

"Emmeryn, I trust Dan with my life," Chrom said, stepping forward.

"And mine," Lissa added.

"Oh!" Emmeryn exclaimed, smiling. "How could I not have remembered it sooner! Dan is the sole bearer of the highest title in Ylisse available to the lowborn—Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum! ...I trust this is sufficient to allay your suspicions, Sir Frederick?"

"I...I have no memory of any such title, Your Grace," Frederick said.

"It is a very rare and obscure title, given only to the most exceptional citizens. My grandmother also gave it once, posthumously, to a guard who singlehandedly saved her life against fifty Feroxi assassins after they poisoned all the other retainers and set fire to the palace."

"What did Dan do to earn the title, your grace? If I may ask."

"I'm afraid you may not; the story is far too long in the telling. Suffice it to say that I, Chrom, Lissa, you, and every other citizen of Ylisse owe him your lives, several times over." She raised her voice, as if addressing the whole crowd that had gathered around them. "But I would like to remind all who are present that sir Dan here is the proud and singular bearer of the title of Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!"

"Hail, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!" the crowd responded, almost as one.

Frederick knelt to Dan deeply, "I beg your pardon and offer my trust, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum… I did not know I was the presence of such greatness."

"Wow, Dan!" Chrom said. "I can't believe I hadn't heard of you, the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum! Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"I...don't like to make much of myself," Dan said, still trying to remember his new title.

"Phila, I assume you've heard reports of the deathly creatures we encountered?"

"Yes, sir," the Pegasus Knight captain said. "They've been spotted all over Ylisse."

"Chrom, we are about to hold council on the matter," Emmeryn said. "I had hoped you will join us?"

"Of course. Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, join us!"

"Nope, gotta meet the other Shepherds!" Dan said. He'd read ahead on the next chapter during the trip to Ylisstol and knew he was about to recruit several more people.

"I'll come with you, Dan!" Lissa said, walking beside him.

"Yes...that will make it all the easier to take revenge…"

"What was that, Dan?"

"Oh, uh...nothing. Just some unimportant Most Esteemed Holy Arch...whatever business."

"If you say so, Dan!"

* * *

 _What awaits our heroes in the Shepherds' garrison?_ _How did Marcus come to be in Ylisse?_ _How did Frederick master the fearsome and deadly art of horse-fu? How will Dan exact revenge on Lissa? How much is that fort listed for? What are the rights and duties of the_ _Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum? How many more times will I repeat it? Find out next time!_

 _P.S. Credit to the awesome (but sadly concluded) webcomic Brawl in the Family for the idea of Frederick fighting by throwing his horse, as well as arrows binking off his eye in the last chapter._

 **Lissa: Come along, Dan! We want to get to the garrison before nightfall!**

 **Dan: What!? How far is it?**

 **Lissa: Eh, we'll get there when we get there! And on the way, I'll teach you how to make fun musical instruments out of every prairie plant in Ylisse! We can even start a band! And call ourselves The Wildflowers!**

 **Dan: Augh…**

 **Frederick: Goodness,** **Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum… I had no idea Dan was one. Or that it was even a real title. Clearly I have a long way to go if i am to measure up to Dan's stature…**

 **At least one more time, evidently. Please read and review, people! And check out the prequels to this story if you haven't already!**

 **Virion: Will you marry me as the Earth's shadow passes in front of the Moon, and all of nature discreetly closes its eyes to our true love's first kiss?**

 **Sully: No!**

 **Virion: Oh? Will you marry me in a sun-kissed valley filled with the music of birds and the fragrance of wildflowers blowing on the sweet breeze?**

 **Sully: Hey, that does sound kind of...I mean, hell no! Piss off!**

 **Virion: Ach...so beautiful...yet so cruel...**


	3. Most Esteemed Future Whatever Power

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Third—"Most Esteemed Future Whatever Power", or "The Melo-Drama of Mr. Frog and Mrs. Toad"

* * *

"...and then Mr. Frog said, 'But Mrs. Toad, my heart has always belonged only to you, rrribbit!' And Mrs. Toad said, 'But Mr. Frog, you are a frog and I am a toad! And besides, Mr. Toad makes such delicious fly muffins, and all you make is trouble!' 'And Mr. Frog said, 'But Mr. Toad is but a humble baker, and I am a wealthy pondowner a few hops from King Croak's inner circle!' And Mrs. Toad said, 'No! My heart is decided! I will hop away with Mr. Toad, far from old King Croak and from you, and we shall be happy forever!' And Mr. Frog said, 'But wait! Mrs. Frog has just admitted her tadpole is not mine!' …"

Dan sighed heavily as Lissa continued to spin elaborate yarns (complete with funny voices and animal sound effects) with the terrified-looking frog and toad she'd been carrying for the last few hours. The sun was setting over the western horizon, and from the few times he'd been able to get a word in edgewise he thought Lissa had said they were almost there. Her constant jabbering had given him no opportunities to plot revenge. Hopefully he'd be able to get a few free moments when they got there.

"And then Mr. Frog said… oh! Look! There's the garrison!" Lissa pointed just over the next hill and picked up her pace. _Finally!_ "Don't worry Dan, I'll fill you in on the exciting adventures of Mr. Frog and Mrs. Toad later!"

"Shouldn't you let those poor animals free?"

"Maybe...eventually…"

* * *

They finally drew close to the garrison, a modest, run-down castle with an old dry moat that was nothing more than a depression ringing the edifice. They crossed over the bridge and walked in. "I'm here!" Lissa called. "And I brought a new friend!"

"Lissa, my treasure, you're finally back!" came another voice as a blonde woman rushed from another room and embraced Lissa. From the peeks at his player's guide Dan had taken on the long walk here, he recognized Maribelle. "Are you well? Are you safe? I've been on pins and needles for _days_!"

"Oh, hey Maribelle," Lissa said casually. "You worry too much; I can handle a battle or two! Though I could do without all the pine needles...I keep finding them in my dress... Hey, guess what?" She took Maribelle's hand in hers.

"What is it?"

"That hand's been holding a toad for the past three hours!"

"EEEUUUGHHH!" Maribelle exclaimed, frantically brushing her hand off on Dan's robes. "Do I have warts? Do you see any warts!?"

Lissa doubled over with laughter. "Hee-hee-hee-ha-hah!" She turned to whisper to Dan. "Wait till you see what I did with the toad."

Maribelle suddenly came to herself and stood up straight. "...oh, I'm terribly sorry! We haven't even been introduced. My name is Maribelle."

"We're pretty much best friends," Lissa said, beaming.

"That remains to be seen after this...unpleasantness," Maribelle said coldly before briskly walking out of the room.

"...I'm Dan," he said after an uncomfortable silence.

"Don't worry," Lissa said, "Maribelle's actually really sweet. She just warms to people slowly...and cools off slowly, sometimes."

A blond, shirtless man carrying an oversized axe (Vaike) burst into the increasingly-crowded atrium. "Hey, squirt! Where's Chrom? He's gotten seriously behind on his sparring with ol' Teach!"

"Yeah, 'Teach', where were you?" Lissa said, laughing. "Chrom was totally useless at everything without your guidance: in battle, acting noble, making civil conversation…"

"''zactly! No one's better at that stuff than the Vaike!" Vaike said, scratching the back of his head. "...wait, was that sarcasm?"

A green-armored cavalier—Stahl, Dan thought—walked in, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "What's all the commotion a...oh, hey! It's the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, Dan!" At his instigation, everyone applauded politely.

"Oh, Stahl...yeah, that's me," Dan said glumly. He still couldn't remember the title; how had the news gotten here so fast?

"How did you know my name?" Stahl said.

"Oh, that...Most Esteemed whatever power."

"Cool! I wish I could do that!"

"Welcome back, Lissa!" Sumia said, entering the room. Suddenly, she tripped and somehow managed to flip entirely over and land on her head—which then rebounded off the floor as if it were a trampoline and catapulted her back onto her unsteady feet. "Whoops! I would have been here sooner, but I tripped five more times on the stairs! Do you know when Chro...the captain will be back?" _Wow, is she made of rubber? Or acrobats?_

"That's so sweet of you to worry about Chrom, Sumia!"

Sumia looked shocked. "Worry? I'm not worrying...well, I mean...of course I'd be worried about our captain and prince!"

Chrom walked in, followed by Frederick, Virion, and Sully.

Sumia's face grew visibly flushed. "Chr—Captain! You've returned! I was...I mean, we were so worried!" She somehow managed to trip again, while standing still. "Oh, how embarrassing…" she said under her breath.

"Hello, Sumia!" Chrom said. "Thanks for your concern. Are those boots giving you more trouble?"

"Um, no...I mean, yes...I mean...sigh…" Sumia quickly got up and left the room, tripping only once more.

"I worry about her…" Chrom said quietly to Frederick. "Anyway, everyone, listen up: tomorrow morning, we march to Regna Ferox! I am going there to request aid from the Khan to deal with the threat from Plegia as well as this new Risen menace. Accompanying me is strictly voluntary...so, any takers?"

"Anyone not volunteering will receive five demerits and scrubbing duty on a randomly assigned room in the garrison," Frederick added sternly.

"Frederick," Chrom said softly, "I don't think that's what 'voluntary' means…"

"Well, we can't just have your troops disregarding your wishes, sir…"

"I volunteer!" Lissa piped up.

"Me too!" Vaike said. "Ol' Teach is a master of diplomacy! I once got two warring gangs of bandits to stop just by showing 'em _these!_ " He flexed his biceps; Lissa snorted.

"Count me in, commander!" Stahl said. "It'll be my honor to fight alongside the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!"

"I…" Sumia began, walking back into the room. She tripped again and bounced around some more. "Ouch...um…" She fell again while trying to get up.

"What is it, Sumia?" Chrom said.

"Captain, I don't think I'm ready for a proper mission just yet...perhaps I could just stay by your side for now?"

"Certainly, Sumia."

"Thank you, Captain," Sumia said, blushing. "I feel so much safer when I'm near you…"

"As you should;" Chrom said coolly and obliviously. "It is the duty of the commander to see to the safety of all his troops. We march at dawn!" He turned and strode out of the room. Sumia tripped and fell again.

"Oh...bother."

* * *

"O, ravishing vision of beauty I see before me!" Virion exclaimed, getting on one knee behind a startled Maribelle. "Art thou truly flesh and blood, or a misplaced angel! I am not sure, but this I know: that I have never felt closer to heaven than when I am graced to bask in your glow! Come away with me, my love, my life, and we shall—"

Maribelle finally managed to stop gaping at him. "...excuse me!? Just who do you think you are!? You are _privileged_ to have the audience of the daughter of the Duke of Themis, and if you continue like this, you shan't have it much longer!"

"Ah, your face is consummately lovely, yet your words, they wound me like an arrow to the heart! I am Virion, archest of archers, slayer of dragons, savior of 154 widows and children, champion of royals' and commoners' hearts alike, deflowerer of—"

"I don't care if you're King Marth himself; _leave me be_!" Maribelle grabbed a still-propositioning Virion and hauled him towards the foyer.

"Such startling strength, beautiful madam! But not even a hundredth as strong as the depth of my bottomless passion—"

"Aaaagh, you're worse than Lissa and Vaike put together!"

* * *

Maribelle bodily drop-kicked Virion out of the front gate of the garrison. "Come back when you've learnt some manners!" She slammed the door and immediately locked it.

"...a fine start," Virion eventually said to himself. "Such perfection of loveliness can, will, must be mine! The next time those flawless arms encircle me, it will be out of love!" He began to wander around the outer wall of the garrison. "I wonder if there is another way in… HELLO? Can anyone let me in?"

* * *

As Dan started to walk around and explore the garrison, he ran into a large, solid object. "What the-!? Who left this suit of armor standing in the middle of the hall?"

"Oh, sorry," the armor said. "I'll move."

Dan jumped back, his hair standing on end. "Aaaaaaahhhh! Enchanted armor in the garrison!" _This totally wasn't in the guide!_

"No, it's just me…" The armor turned and Dan saw a familiar closed-eyed face. _Oh, right, Kellam...the guide did mention he lacks presence or something._

"Kellam! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"I've been standing here this whole time...why did you run into me?"

"Uh...sorry. I'll try to be more careful next time."

"Dan, who are you talking to?" Frederick's voice preceded him into the hallway by a few seconds. He didn't see Kellam until he was standing next to them. "Wha—just who are you, how did you get in here, and why should I not take you for an enemy spy and detain you!?"

"Frederick, it's me, Kellam!" Kellam protested. "I've only been a Shepherd for years!"

"I think I would remember meeting, much less recruiting, such a personage…" Frederick said. "Explain yourself!"

"It's okay, Frederick, you can trust him," Dan said. "Most Esteemed future whatever power."

"Very well, but only because I trust the word of the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum…" Frederick said, eying Kellam warily. He finally extended a hand to the Knight. "Welcome to the Shepherds, Kellam."

"Okay...I'll just be on my way now…" Kellam said with a resigned sigh. "I guess I escape peoples' memory as easily as their attention…"

Dan walked away; when he turned to look over his shoulder, Kellam had already vanished. _Interesting...stealth like that could be highly useful in battle. If only I could convince him to lose the big, clanky armor…_

* * *

Dan was working by candlelight in the small but well-stocked garrison library, hollowing out a random tome so he could hide his player's guide inside it and read it more freely. He finished putting on the last few layers of glue and shut it tightly; the guide fit perfectly into the rectangular hole inside. He learned back in his chair, set the book on his knee, and began reading openly for the first time. _Much better…_

"Is that _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight?_ " Sumia's excited voice said. Dan looked up from the book to see her standing in the doorway, bouncing on her toes. "I love those books!"

"Sumia, you startled me...I, uh...love those books too."

Sumia smiled. "That's great! I like pretending to be the characters." She suddenly put on a nasty sneer and tucked one arm behind her back. "Yarrr, I'm One-Armed Tatiana! I skewered five men on my lance at once while saving the Exalt!" She reverted to normal. "What's your favorite part so far?"

Dan racked his brain; he wished he'd glanced at the pages as he'd been cutting them out, and hoped Sumia didn't look at the wastebasket. "Uh...the part where, um...One-Armed Tatiana...is really, uh...bloodthirsty."

"I love that part too!" Sumia said. "Keep me posted as you read! Oh, I'm so excited to have someone to read it with!"

"Me...too," Dan said. _This will be interesting…_

Sumia turned to leave, and fell on her face again, bouncing a few times for good measure. "Augh...One-Armed Tatiana would never trip over her own feet…"

"Hello?" Virion's voice came in distantly through a window. "Is anyone in there? ...can I come in? It's cold, and there are wolves after me…" Dan rose and headed to the kitchen for a snack. "...oh, the things I do for love…"

* * *

"So," Stahl said, sitting at the table in the garrison kitchen as he ate a meat pie in one hand and some regular pie with the other. "How'd you get to be the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum?"

Dan sighed; he really wished everyone would lay off about that title. "Uh...I saved everyone."

"Wow, really?" Stahl said with his mouth full, eyes widening. "How?"

Dan decided to use what he knew. "There was this evil druid, and he was trying to steal everyone's life force and use it to summon and control an army of dragons, and create human-replica Morphs with freaky gold eyes to do his bidding. And I, well...stopped him."

"Cool! How did you beat him?"

"Well…" So much had been happening in the last battle. Stahl looked at him patiently, grabbing a leg of ham and continuing to eat. "He unleashed all these Morph versions of enemies we'd already fought, and everyone ran away...and then I had my healers resurrect my mortal enemy who'd been a Morph so he could kill them all, and he did...and then we got back to the druid and he'd summoned a bunch of dragons, and then...er, plot device...Stahl, are you listening?"

Stahl was beginning to snore between chomps. He had apparently somehow fallen asleep while continuing to eat. "That is...very impressive, actually," Dan said, getting up. _How is he not incredibly fat?_

* * *

"So, 'Teach'," Dan later said to Vaike in the kitchen as they both watched Stahl continue to sleep-eat, "what exactly do you teach?"

"Oh, pretty much anything, 'cuz I'm the best at everything! Belching, eating, sleeping, sleep-eating"—he gave a nod at the cavalier—"pushups, situps, waking up, hunting and eating raw meat, bear wrestling, golf, embroidery, officiating weddings, literary criticism…"

"Hey, I might be interested in some literary criticism lessons!" Sumia said, walking in.

"Nope, sorry, that was a special offer for Dan only! Everyone else has to pay Teach's regular hourly fee!"

"Oh…" Sumia turned to slump out of the room, only to trip and fall again. "Ow…"

Ignoring her, Dan whistled in amazement. "Wow quite an impressive skill set...why hasn't Chrom put you in charge yet?"

"In a way, he has! Chrom may be the Exalt's brother and all, but I'm his trusted friend and tutor, and his eternal rival!"

"But are you better at tactics than me, with my future knowledge and all?"

"I'm sure you still have plenty to learn from ol' Teach! Heck, before you came along, I was in charge of all the Shepherds' tactics!"

"Wow, really? Chrom never mentioned you in that capacity…"

"Eh, he was probably just jealous. Now, sit down and get ready for a brain dump!" Dan did so. "The first rule of tactics, is, of course, to put your strongest units forward! That means the Vaike! Send me in first and you can't fail!"

"Got it. You're not a prepromote, are you?"

"Uh, what's a...I mean, 'course not! I would never think of being...such a thing! Anyway, the next thing to remember is that unlike most other stuff, tactics ain't just about the strength of your arms!" He flexed for emphasis. "It's also about, uh... _pointing_ with your arms! Like, really hard! And with both arms!" He flailed his arms around to demonstrate. "And when you give orders, bellow them like your life depends on it! Show everyone that you're a strong leader! It's great for morale and making people trust you!"

"Got it…" Dan reached for a pen and quill and began taking notes.

"And one more thing: Tactics is also a game of the _mind_!" Vaike pointed to his cranium and pretended to be deep in thought. "You may not be blessed with the Vaike's superior intelligence, but ol' Teach'll teach ya as good as I can! If you wanna win the mind game, you gotta always keep the enemy guessing! Misdirection! Confusing orders! Shenanigans! Skugdullery! Feints! Like, as in pretendin' to faint so the enemy thinks you're weak!"

"But what if your own army thinks you're weak and trusts you less?"

"Uh...warn them before, I guess."

"Okay, I'll try it. So, uh, what can you teach me about bear wrestling?"

"Well, the first thing is, you gotta look the bear right in the eye, and look _mean_! Show that bear who's boss!"

"Uh-huh…"

"Rule two is to never let the bear get behind you. 'Cuz that gives him an opening to put you in a nelson hold. And don't even think of trying to put the bear in one! Naw, real men know the only hold to use on a bear is a submission hold..."

* * *

 _Is Vaike's wisdom truly inexhaustible? Will Dan put his advice to good or ill use in the next battle? What is the third rule of bear wrestling? Will anyone ever let Virion back in? What is Sumia's modulus of resilience, and which stat-boosting item is used to raise it? Is Kellam the stealthiest Shepherd? What is Stahl's secret for maintaining such a healthy figure? Will Mrs. Toad follow her heart and run away with Mr. Frog? Find out the answers to all of these (probably) next chapter!_

 **Virion: Hellooooo? Anyone? I promise not to flirt with Maribelle anymore if I come in! ...until next morning.**

 **Lissa: Hey Chrom, do you hear something outside?**

 **Chrom: It's probably just the wind. Go to sleep, Lissa.**

 **Lissa: Okay...well, at least—**

 **Frederick: Lissa! I brought some pine needles for your bed!**

 **Lissa: Oh, come on!**

 **Frederick: Character!**

 **Kellam: Virion? Is that you? Here, I'll let you in!**

 **Virion: Aaauuugh, it seems hopeless...I'd better get moving before the wolves come back…**

 **Kellam: ...of course.**

 **Vaike: Next lesson: officiating weddings! First rule is to make real,** _ **real**_ **sure you get their names straight before the ceremony! Apparently if you say the wrong names, they don't actually become legally married! Not that ol' Teach would know from experience, or anything...**

 **Dan: Wow, such a genius… Definitely the Bartre of this game.**

 **Thanks for reading, everyone! You know the drill: please review!**


	4. Triple-Vorpal Anterior Pincer Twirl

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Fourth—"Triple-Vorpal Anterior Pincer Twirl", or "In Which Kellam is Roundly Ignored"

* * *

The next morning dawned early, especially with Frederick banging a pan on his armor at the crack of dawn to wake everyone. Dan was still tired due to staying up late listening to Vaike's endless wisdom, as well as some loud screams and croaking that had broken out in the middle of the night. Everyone filed back into the entry hall of the garrison, looking as tired as Dan felt. Virion looked especially awful, his hair matted and filled with leaves and twigs. He nonetheless kept sneaking glances and grins at Maribelle every few seconds.

Chrom stood in the middle and addressed the troops. "Thank you, everyone who volunteered for this expedition. Before we march, I just wanted to ask...does anyone know what happened to our rations? They all seem to have mysteriously vanished…"

No one said anything for a few seconds; then Stahl let out a loud belch. "Excuse me! ...and no, commander, it wasn't me." _Not that you'd remember, anyway..._ "In fact, I'm kind of hungry now…"

"Nice one, Stahl," Vaike said, "but let Teach show you how it's done!" He fake-belched deafeningly for at least ten seconds.

"Ugh! Vaike, that was positively repugnant!" said Maribelle, who was looking rather disheveled this morning. "Must you baseborn oafs pollute even the air with your buffoonery? It's enough to make my head hurt… Urgh…" She frowned and rested her forehead in one hand while yawning into the other. "I absolutely loathe slimy amphibians…" she said quietly. Lissa barely suppressed a snicker. "Captain, apologies, but I am in no condition to accompany you...I'm going back to bed."

"Don't worry, Chrom, I'll be there to heal everyone!" Lissa said. "Although…" She yawned into her hand. "I'm kinda tired too...why did we have to get up so early?"

"Character!" Frederick said cheerily, looking completely awake and alert. "And we've a long march ahead."

Lissa groaned. "Aaaaaouugh…"

* * *

A few hours later, they approached a creek crossing in the midst of lightly forested savanna land. Dan was engrossed in _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight_ as he walked, planning out the next battle and poring over his Vaike notes.

Sumia came up to walk alongside him. "Dan, you really seem to be enjoying that book! What's happening in it now?"

Dan sighed, pulling the book up so Sumia couldn't see inside. "Uh...the part where the falcon knight...thirsts for blood."

"Oh! I love that part!" She fell back from him (literally; she suddenly tripped again). _That was easy, at least._

"Anyway, captain," Dan said, "this looks like the place."

"What place?"

"For our next battle. More Risen."

"Ris—you really couldn't have mentioned that earlier on the way?"

"Hey, the first rule of time travel is not to interfere."

"Then what are you doing leading us with your future knowledge?"

"...except as I, uh...see fit."

An inhuman cry drifted across the river toward the Shepherds. Dan thought he could make out glowing red eyes in the trees on the far side. "There they are!"

"Shepherds, form up and attack across the bridge!" Chrom said, raising Falchion. "Remember what we're up against!"

"Hah!" Vaike said. "They'll remember ME once I stick my axe in their slimy guts!" He paused and looked at his empty hands. "...wait, where'd my axe go? I swear I just had it!"

"Vaike, this is no time for jokes," Chrom said. "The Risen will be on us any minute!"

"This ain't a joke!"

"Want to throw my horse instead?" Frederick asked sarcastically.

"Well, I _am_ the three-time champion of the Ylissean horse-tossing tournament, but—"

"Perfect!" Dan exclaimed. "Frederick, give Vaike your horse to throw and then sit this one out!"

" _What!?_ " Chrom and Frederick said simultaneously.

"Jinx!" Lissa shouted. "...not the right time."

"That's an order! Take his horse, Vaike, and crush them!" Dan pointed to his head. "Most Esteemed whatever future knowledge! Chop-chop!"

"Uh…" Vaike said, looking uneasy. "Uh, see, the horses we tossed in the championship were more like ponies, really, not giant war horses like Frederick's, so…"

"Okay, fine, just take this!" He handed Vaike a spare Iron Axe he'd taken from the garrison for this exact eventuality.

"Oh...wow, thanks!"

"Shall I ride into the fray, then?" Frederick said, patting his horse on the neck.

"No, stay behind anyway!" It was still probably too early to kill Frederick off, but Dan could at least keep him from stealing any kills.

"Very well, sir…" Frederick said reluctantly, riding off. "At this rate I'll never be a Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum…"

"Right!" Dan said. "Vaike! Kill them!" Vaike didn't need to be told twice; he took off and began doing so with a yell. "Sully! Stahl! Initiate attack plan epsilon-fire!"

"...what is that?" Stahl said, staring at him.

"Don't tell me you weren't listening to all my attack codes on the way here!"

"...'fraid not, boss," Sully said.

"Okay, then just do a triple-vorpal anterior pincer twirl! ATTACK!" He bellowed, pointing forcefully as Vaike had shown him. "...why aren't you moving?"

"...still doesn't ring a bell," Stahl said sheepishly.

"I understood maybe two words of that," Sully added.

"It's very simple, just mhhu-hum-mmmum-num-mmmgggum..." he mumbled indistinctly. _I hope these orders are confusing enough to mislead the enemy…_

"...what?" Stahl said, raising an eyebrow.

"Fine, just dart back and forth around each other in crissy-crossy waveforms in the general direction of the enemy! Noises off and trust no one! GO!" Dan pointed even more forcefully with both arms, crossing them across himself. Stahl and Sully finally spurred their horses into action and galloped in meandering, intersecting paths. Virion ran off after Sully, still spouting more lines. Eventually they both swerved into each other, screamed with shock as they collided, then...somehow ended up riding each others' horses facing backwards?

"Yessss! Excellent! Perfect!" Dan said, doing a little jig. He turned to Chrom. "Chrom! Get in there and seal the deal!"

"...what does that mean?" Chrom said. "Dan, I still trust you, but of late your orders have seemed...strange. Is anything the matter?"

"Strange? I would think you'd be used to these kinds of tactics by now."

"What? Why would I be?"

"Just seal. The. DEAAAAAALL!" Dan frantically pointed with both hands, adding a twirl for extra emphasis, and Chrom finally broke into a run after Vaike and the cavaliers, shaking his head.

"W-wait for me, Chrom!" Sumia said, running after him in an attempt to stay by his side. She made it surprisingly far before tripping again. "Oof!" She bounced back to her feet, grabbed her lance, and dashed after the equally-dashing lord.

Dan watched Chrom and Sumia run off, smiling to himself. _I thought I was a good tactician back in Elibe...now, with Vaike's help and my player's guide to boot, I will be invincible. Everything is going according to plan… Although, where is Kellam? I was really hoping to use his stealth for an expertly placed Kappa Taffy Strike in this battle…_ He began pacing around the camp, waiting to issue his next order.

"Uh...Dan?" Kellam said, standing in his path and waving his arms. "What do you want me to do? ...tactician Dan?" Dan paced right past him. "...sigh…"

A few minutes later, Dan saw Vaike running back towards him. "Vaike? Did you win?"

He saw Vaike had a sword projecting through his upper left arm. "Naw, Dan, I got banged up out there! It hurts like crazy! I need healin', pronto!"

"I expected better of you and your awesomeness, Vaike...how could you let this happen?"

"It was outside my control, man! Even the Vaike is only human! They, like, came at me from behind and stuff!"

* * *

 _Dan was kneeling next to Denning and a demon-possessed Lucius, eyes fixed to the stone floor of the dragon ruins on the Dread Isle of Valor, both because they had failed miserably and because Lord Nergal was bathing in a tub right in front of them._

 _"Dan, I take it this means you failed?" Nergal said bitterly, scrubbing his back with a brush._

 _"Yes...sir," Dan replied, his voice dripping with barely-concealed anger._

 _"Idiot! Even after I taught you to harvest quintessence and revive Denning, you fail me again!?"_

 _"Lord Nergal, I take absolutely no responsibility for any of this. It totally wasn't my fault. They, like, came at me from behind and stuff."_

* * *

 _...that was weird_ , Dan thought. _A vision? ...I was Nergal's servant, and he was...naked? It's like a weird dream, only I'm awake, and...it felt...more like a memory…_

"Hey, earth to Dan!" Vaike said, waving a hand in front of Dan's face. Dan realized he'd been standing still with a dazed look on his face. "Ya got anything for ol' Teach's little flesh wound here?"

"Oh, right, sorry, Teach!" He turned around and looked for Lissa. "Lissa! Where'd you go?"

"Found her, sir," Frederick said, walking out of one of the nearby forts, holding a struggling Lissa by the scruff of her dress.

"Frederick, put me down!" Lissa said angrily. Her pigtails seemed to pulse in time with her mad kicking. "This is no way to treat a lady, and you know it! I thought I was delicate!"

"She was sleeping in one of the forts,' Frederick explained.

"I was so tired after the march and last night, and those forts have such comfy beds…"

"Sorry, too bad! Get to healing Vaike!"

"Okay, fine...eew…"

"Teach, I tried following your advice," Dan said as the axeman was being healed, "but everyone seemed really confused. Maybe my orders weren't misdirecting enough?"

"Eh, prolly," Vaike said, acting surprisingly nonchalant as Lissa removed the sword.

"Okay; I have to go recruit someone else, and I'll try it again with her!" Dan ran off, holding his open player's guide in front of him.

* * *

Miriel knelt by a roped-off square of grassland, holding a clipboard and quill. "Hm… Some interesting and unexpected profusions of _delphinum inopinum_ … The _hippeastrum marumbiense_ is flowering 3.4625 days earlier than average… Is that _symphyotrichum depauperatum_? Hm, troubling…Measuring stalk density…" She pulled out a small measuring square from her robes. "Data point 1: 27… 2: 24…"

A Risen barbarian shambled towards her, raising its axe. "Aaaaaaggh…. Rrrrrrrgggaaaagh..."

Miriel stood up, suddenly irate and pulling out a Fire tome. "For shame! You, sir, are an enemy of SCIENCE!" To emphasize her last word, she roasted the Risen until a pile of ash remained. Turning back to the plot of grassland, she saw it was now similarly charred and blackened. "...blast." She pulled out a notebook from her pack. "Quadrant 47-AXF, location: three miles north-northwest of Epwin; time…" She pulled out a metal instrument and took a reading of the sun. "...31.5 minutes to noon… Status: inconclusive." She walked over to another, nearby roped-off square of land. "Moving on to quadrant 47-AXG…"

"Miriel! There you are!" Dan said, running up.

"Beg pardon? Have we met? I will have you know I am in the midst of some potentially groundbreaking botanical research!"

"I'm the Shepherds' new tactician, Dan. I heard you were around here somewhere."

"Ah, how fortuitous. I had long been exhorting the captain to appoint a dedicated strategist to optimize the efficacy of our band."

"Ol' Teach wasn't enough?"

"What about that...simpleton?"

"Hey! The—I mean, Vaike is a brilliant man and a natural leader!"

"...perhaps the captain should have appointed someone else," Miriel said to herself.

"What was that? ...no matter. I need you to head north and execute an, uh… enfilading, interdicting _coup de main_ sortie on all flanks! ALL FLANKS!" He pointed fiercely again, for emphasis.

Miriel raised a hand to her glasses. "Well, Dan, it seems I may have underestimated your tactical acumen… I shall do my utmost." Putting away her notebooks and quill, she headed off in the direction Dan had pointed.

"...what? Where's the confusion? The misdirection? The skugdullery? Augh, I'm a horrible tactician…"

* * *

Not long after, the Shepherds reformed by the bridge, the skirmish won. "Wow, Miriel, that was amazing!" Stahl gushed. "You lined up all those advancing Risen perfectly, then obliterated them at once with fire! It's like you were everywhere!"

"Thank you, Stahl, but I am afraid all credit is due to our tactician Dan and his sound guidance." She still looked glum despite having carried the battle. "But… every victory thus gained is a defeat for the advancement of science…"

"Dan, I was...not sure sure about my orders," Chrom said, furrowing his brow. "I'm still not sure if I 'sealed the deal'..."

"Yeah, and what the hell is a triple-vorpal ant...whatever you said?" Sully added.

"I defer all questions to my trusted tactical advisor and life coach, Vaike," Dan said, motioning to the fighter.

Vaike grinned and gave himself a thumbs-up. "Hah! Never doubt the Vaike!"

Sully groaned. "Ugh, don't tell me you're taking advice from THAT numbskull?"

"Dan, I question how much you could have to learn from him…" Chrom said.

"Vaike hasn't steered the Shepherds wrong yet, and his help will be invaluable if we're to triumph over this Risen threat! Plus he's a master of literary criticism!"

"...when has he steered us?" Kellam said, to no one.

"I still want those literary criticism lessons…" Sumia said bitterly. "I bet there are whole levels of meaning in _Piebald Tales of Petey the Pirate_ I'm missing out on…"

"Well, if we're done here, let's continue to Regna Ferox," Chrom said.

"Shepherds! March out!" Frederick commanded, mounting his horse.

* * *

A few hours later, they noticed a large white shape on the road ahead.

"Hey, is that what I think it is?" Lissa said.

"It is most definitely a female individual of the _equus volaticus_ species," Miriel said, peering at it through a small spyglass. "...in layman's terms, a pegasus."

"Yeah, that's what I thought it was!" Lissa continued.

"I think it looks hurt," Chrom said as they drew closer. "Let's see here…" As he approached it, the pegasus reared up, neighing and kicking frantically. "Whoah! Mad pegasus!"

"Vaike, put it down!" Dan commanded. Vaike eagerly obliged, charging forward with a yell and brandishing his axe.

"Captain!" Sumia said, running up. She promptly faceplanted and flipped back up to her feet between Chrom and the pegasus. "Oof!"

"Sumia? Are you all right?" Chrom asked.

"I'm fine, captain… I think I can handle this."

"Are you sure? Do you have any experience with pegasi?"

"No, but for some reason, it feels...right…" She inched up to the pegasus. "It's okay, girl, I won't hurt you…" As soon as she touched the pegasus, it became still.

"Wow, Sumia!" Vaike exclaimed, "You're a regular pegasus-whisperer! ...not as good of one as ol' Teach, of course, but still!"

"I guess I have a way with animals," Sumia said. "I wonder if she would even let me ride her… it would be a nice switch from tripping over my own feet!" As if to reinforce this point, she promptly did so; the pegasus began to grow agitated until she got back up and touched it again. "I'll dress her wounds, and then catch up with you later...unless, would you be able to stay with me for a little while?" She smiled at Chrom.

"Sorry, but no," Chrom said. "We have a lot of ground to cover. Follow the road and catch up with us when you can, Sumia. Shepherds, continue march!"

Sumia watched him lead the Shepherds away to the north. "Oh, Chrom...you can be very thick sometimes." She turned to the pegasus. "I think I'll call you...Buttercup. After Buttercup the Bludgeoner from _Bloodwings: Rage of the Killer Pegasi_!" She rubbed the beast's head affectionately. "Who's a good Buttercup?"

* * *

"Hey, Vaike," Lissa said a few hours later. "You should catch us some dinner!"

"Yeah!" Stahl said, wolfing down a load of bread and a drumstick. "I'm starving!"

"Agh, Lissa, I'd love to, but even the Vaike's eagle eyes haven't spotted anything while we've been marching!"

"You should just do a deer call! It's sure to lure some tasty food to us!"

"Uh...how do I do that?"

"Well, uh...a deer call is kind of like a cross between an owl, and a squirrel, and a horse...just like a deer itself, right?"

"I beg to differ!" Miriel said indignantly, looking up from writing in her notebook. "In the first place, the strigiforme morphology is totally devoid of—" Lissa shushed her indignantly.

"So, uh, like this? Whoo-whoo-whoo-khee-khee-khee-kheooooooo!"

"Yeah, perfect!" Lissa said. "Oh yeah, there are also arm motions and a dance to go with the call, to lure even more deer! You have to get on all fours like a deer and spin around while rearing up and clapping your hands!"

Vaike managed to so while doing the call and keeping up with the march. Everyone stared conspicuously at his display. "Oh yeah, I'm gonna catch all the deer! Whoo-who-khee-khee-whoo-kheeooooooo! ...hey, are you laughing?"

"No," said Lissa, struggling to suppress a grin. "...I mean, I'm just laughing with excitement about how much delicious venison we're going to eat tonight!"

"I don't see anything yet!"

"Just keep it up! Luring deer takes persistence!"

"Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoooOOOooo! Khee-khee-kheeoooo!"

 _Wow,_ Dan thought. _For all his multifaceted wisdom, Vaike is kind of a total sap...he totally eats up anything Lissa tells him, no matter how ridiculous. It's pretty entertaining, actually._

* * *

Dan was lying in his tent, his legs still aching after the long march, which Frederick had kept going until well after dark. His stomach rumbled, having eaten only bread and a bit of dried meat. Vaike's calling had failed to lure any deer that night, but Lissa had assured him he would have better luck tomorrow. He was trying to think of questions to ask Vaike about how to be a better tactician after the day's mixed results. Had he not done a good enough job misdirecting? Maybe he hadn't pointed forcefully enough?

His mind drifted back to his spacing-out episode on the battlefield. It had seemed so real, so vivid… Was it a vision? It couldn't have been of the future; Nergal was dead and gone, as was Denning. _...huh. I suppose I never saw the party defeat Denning; they would have run into him while I was dead. ...how can something that happened when I was dead feel so much like a memory?_

* * *

 _What exactly_ is _a triple-vorpal anterior pincer twirl, anyway? Will Vaike lure any deer before figuring out Lissa's prank? What were Miriel's results for quadrant 47-AXE? Are her methods reproducible? Is Sumia a secret pegasus-whisperer? Find out next time on Dan's Awakening!_

 **Chrom: ...zzzzzzzzz… ...zzzzzzzz...**

 **Lissa: Zzzzz… stupid...pine needles… zzzz…**

 **Vaike: Whoo-whoo-whoo...whoo-whoo-whoo...zzzzzz…**

 **Stahl: Munch...chomp...gulp...mm-mmm-mmm...munch...gulp...burp...zzzzz…**

 **Miriel: No...stop...this is madness...no one can violate the ideal gas law...you'll doom us all… zzzz...**

 **Oh, right, everyone is asleep.**

 **Kellam: I'm not.**

 **Dan: Hey, I'm still up. Do** _ **you**_ **have any idea what that vision was, disembodied voice?**

 **Shut up and go to sleep.**


	5. French Taunting

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Fifth—"French Taunting", or "Attack Plan Zeta-Toyota-Origin Bloodbath"

* * *

Dan emerged from his tent that morning and started at the biting cold that greeted him, a reminder that they had been marching north all day yesterday and would continue to do so today. He pulled his robes tightly around him and headed for the mess tent, which had never been neater and less worthy of its name than it was now, with Frederick preparing some breakfast. With some genuine downtime at his disposal, Dan decided he had been going way too easy on the Great Knight since their first battle together. Time to fix that.

"Good morning, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!" Frederick said cheerily.

"'Morning, Frederick...you can just call me Dan. Or Tactician Dan, if you like."

"As you wish, Most...Tactician Dan."

"Anyways, prepromote, I want you to ready some lunches for the Shepherds, inspect our weaponry and armor, feed and water the horses, patrol a perimeter around the camp, and check if any of the tents need to be mended or patched!"

"All already done, Tactician Dan," he said with a hint of self-satisfaction.

"W-what!? When?"

"This morning."

Dan decided not to ask how early Frederick had gotten up and tried instead to think of more things to make him do. "Uh...okay, in that case, you can sweep the campsite for debris and rocks, Stahl-proof our food stores, comb the horses' manes and tails for nits, and organize the swords by alloy composition and purity!"

"Also already done, just after I checked everyone's temperature and breathing for fever and flu."

"You did what—!?" His dedication to the Shepherds was starting to seem borderline obsessive-compulsive. And creepy. "Uh, er...in that case, just...take a break! Stop doing anything until breakfast!"

Frederick gasped, eyes widening. "B-But sir, I cannot…"

Dan grinned at having finally gotten under Frederick's skin. "That's an order, Frederick! Most Esteemed future whatever knowledge, remember! I'll finish making breakfast."

"Sigh...yes, Tactician Dan…" Frederick moped away and sat down dejectedly at the mess table.

* * *

"Frederick!" Lissa whined as they ate the corn-and-oat meal later that morning. "I thought you were on cooking duty this morning! This stuff is like corny water!"

"I have to admit, Frederick, it isn't up to your usual standard," Chrom said, sitting on the other side of the Great Knight. "Is anything the matter?"

Frederick ground his teeth, still sitting where he had been taking a break and not touching his breakfast. "...gggrrrrgh…I hate...breaks..."

* * *

A few hours later, with the bad breakfast a distant memory, they were marching briskly along a snow-lined road, approaching the border with Regna Ferox.

"Brrrrrr!" Lissa said, shivering and wrapping her arms around herself as she marched. "Freberick, I'b freebing!"

"Why don't you join the bonfire, milady?" Frederick motioned behind them to a floating fireball maintained by Miriel, around which Stahl, Sully, Virion, and an unnoticed Kellam were enjoying themselves.

"Miriel has no sense of humor. At all."

Frederick smiled. "And you find me a treasure-house of wit by comparison, eh?"

"Of course! Plus you're fun to mess with!"

"That...is not quite what I had in mind."

"...and finally," Vaike was saying to Dan, apparently unbothered by the icy wind as he strode along shirtless, "the third and most important rule for being immune to cold: learn to control your internal body temperature through years of studying transcendental meditation with the Valmese masters!"

"Got it," Dan said, furiously taking messy notes with numb hands.

"There it is!" Chrom announced. "The Longfort!"

"The khans of Ferox have become wary of outsiders… Getting through the gate may require some diplomacy, milord."

"Oh yeah, the Vaike is a master of diplomacy!" Vaike said, flexing his biceps to remind them.

"...not that kind of diplomacy, Vaike," Chrom said. "I'll handle this. Negotiations are much more Emm's specialty, but I'll do my best."

They approached the towering main wall of the fort. "Hello!" Chrom called.

A helmeted guard poked his head up and responded in a strange accent. "'Allo! Who eez eet?"

"I am Prince Chrom of Ylisse, and these are my Shepherds!"

The guard blew a raspberry at them. "You do not frahten me, silly Ylissean peeg-dogs! Ah fart een your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Chrom just shook his head, speechless at the taunting. "...is there someone else up there we can talk to?" Frederick said.

"No! Now go away, or I shall…" The exceedingly rude guard turned, apparently talking with someone behind him. He began raising his voice, and was promptly manhandled away from the battlement.

An armored woman came to stand where the guard had been. "Hello! I apologize for Philippe; he is...silly, and we do not normally allow him to interact with strangers. I am Raimi, lieutenant of Regna Ferox! Who are you?"

"I am Chrom, prince of Ylisse! I seek an audience with the Khan!"

The woman laughed. "Hah, indeed, and I'm the Queen of Valm! You are far from the first 'Ylisseans' to try to enter our lands! I have authority to cut such impostors down where they stand!" She turned back to unseen reinforcements. "Guards! Kill them all!"

"Wait!" Dan said, running up next to Chrom. "I'm the, uh…" He pulled out a note card he'd been keeping in his robes and read it off. "Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!"

"Really?" Raimi said, more credulously. She was handed a paper by another guard. "Hm, your face does match the image on the broadsheets that have been circulating from the south by the thousands of late… It seems it really is you. Welcome to Regna Ferox, your eminence, and I hope you will forgive this brief interruption to your business!" The gate in front of them gave a loud creak and began to rise.

"Wow...I didn't really expect that to work," Dan said.

"But before you go, we would love to have you up here, if you don't mind," Raimi continued. The troops are eager to meet the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!"

"Of course!" Chrom answered for Dan. "Thank you for your hospitality! We forgive you your misunderstanding, and thank you for passage to see the Khan!"

"Uh, Chrom," Dan said, "I don't really want to spend—" Chrom suddenly disappeared from before his eyes in a blur of white. "Wha—? Chrom, where did…" He looked up and saw a pegasus with two riders flying above them. "Oh, right, that."

* * *

"Better hold on tight, commander," Sumia said to Chrom, surprisingly calmly. "Could get bumpy."

Chrom stared at her, awkwardly searching for an appropriately non-suggestive place to 'hold on tight'. "Sumia…? Uh, what are you doing? Why did you pick me up?"

Sumia reverted to her usual, flighty self. "Oh, um, hi, Chrom! ...say hello to Buttercup! Short for Bludgeoning Buttercup! She's the pegasus we found on the road yesterday, remember?"

"...can we go down now? Maybe right to the top of the fort?"

"Oh...sigh...sure, commander. Sorry, I...I was just imitating Tatiana the Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight."

"That is...kind of concerning."

* * *

When it became apparent that Sumia and Chrom were going to land on top of the fort, Frederick motioned for everyone to head to one of the stairways.

"Well… I guess we're safe for now," a walking suit of armor said to Dan.

"Aaaaaahhhhh! ...oh, Kellam! You scared me! ...hey, you were seriously AWOL in the last battle! What gives!?"

"No, I totally wasn't...not that you would know…"

Frederick pulled his horse up on the other side of Kellam. "You! Just who do you think you are, and how did you infiltrate the Shepherds!?"

"...not this again," Kellam said, dropping back from between Dan and Frederick.

Frederick wheeled his horse around sharply. "What!? Where did he go? Shepherds! We have a spy in our midst!"

* * *

"Wow, Dan!" Chrom said as they reached the top of the fort. He and Sumia were both holding broadsheets with a relatively good likeness of Dan's face and some text on them, as were Raimi and all the guards clustered around them. "I had no idea!"

"...of what?"

"How you became the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum! Turning back the emperor of Valm with one word… Stopping those Plegian instigators from poisoning the grain shipment just before Harvestnight… Expertly guiding the exalt's ship through the Dragon's Talons and arriving back in Ylisstol with only minutes to spare… I can't believe I'd never heard of you before we met!"

 _...what are they writing about me?_ "Well, uh...believe it, I guess."

"Dan, you're like a hero in one of my books!" Sumia said equally excitedly. " _Dan the Great and Wise Hero-Man_ , that's what it would be called! ...copyright pending."

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you up close, your eminence," Raimi said, walking up to him. "I hope this humble fort is to your liking. Might I ask...for your autograph?"

At this precedent, the other guards all erupted into shouts for his autograph and started to press in closer, holding out their broadsheets for him to sign. Dan sighed heavily. _I'm starting to wish Emmeryn had never invented that title for me… I still can't remember it._

"Your Eminence!" one grizzled Feroxi guard said excitedly. "Were you scared when you chained yourself to the gates of Ylisstol to stop the old exalt from running the rivers of Plegia red with blood?"

"Um...no," Dan said hesitantly. "Not one bit."

"Wow!" the guards said, holding out their broadsheets for Dan to sign.

"Was it hard when no one believed you while you were warning the kings of the incoming meteorite? And when you fasted for forty days at the shrine of Naga asking her to deflect it?"

"Er…"

Philippe pushed his way through the mob, blowing another raspberry and alternately tapping his gauntlets on his helmet. "Ah blow mah nose at you, you empty-headed animal food trough wahper! _Ta mere est tellement petite, que sa tête pue des pieds!_ "

The mobbing and insulting were interrupted by Virion, who knelt before Raimi and took her hand in his. "O heavenly angel, who summoned my heart into your warm light from above, would you do me the honor of the privilege of the dignity of—"

Raimi recoiled from his propositioning. "Just what do you think you are doing, you pompous, philandering buffoon!? This offense is greater than the honor the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum has shown us by gracing us with his presence! Guards! Kill them all!"

"What!?" Chrom and Dan yelled. The guards slowly, disappointedly put away their broadsheets and drew their weapons.

"Sorry, your eminence! Your friend is just too annoying!" She leveled her lance and charged straight at Dan. "Yaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Shepherds!" Dan bellowed, watching in bewilderment as time slowed sufficiently for him to complete his order before getting impaled. "Attack plan zeta-Toyota-origin!"

The Shepherds sprang into action as a single unit. Miriel jumped onto Sumia's pegasus, facing backwards, and began raining fire down on the guards as Sumia flew in circles. Chrom drew Falchion and began a video game-type spin attack into a crowd of soldiers, yelling constantly. Stahl and Sully rode into more soldiers, waving their swords and screaming "DEEEEEAAAATH! DEAAAAAATH!" as they trampled the Feroxi guard into the ground. Virion attempted to get in front of Sully and flash her a smile; Vaike went into a berserker fury and inadvertently cut him down along with a Feroxi knight in a single shattering chop. Kellam, unseen by everyone else, walked around poking oblivious swordsmen with his lance whenever he got the chance.

Half a minute later, the battle was over, the Shepherds surrounded by charred, bloody Feroxi corpses.

"...wow," Chrom said. "Such a pointless waste of human life. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this."

"Nice job memorizing orders, everyone!" Dan said. "We'll probably never find a use for attack plan zeta-Toyota-origin, but it has served us well." _These coded orders might not be as misdirecting as what Vaike taught me, but at least the enemy can't figure them out._

"Virion!" Vaike said indignantly. "This was all your fault!"

Virion lay bleeding, clutching his side. "I...assure you, Vaike...I have paid dearly...yet...I regret...nothing… Just let me die... Bleeeah…" His head lolled to the side, tongue hanging out.

"Come on, you big baby…" Dan said. "Lissa, heal him up." He turned to Frederick. "And you! Fighting!? With your fists!? Even though attack plan zeta-Toyota-origin expressly says you should stay out of the fray!?"

"Sir...tactician Dan, I cannot see the point of not utilizing my strength when I am already in the midst of the melee! And I seem to recall _all_ of your attack plans have me on the sidelines!"

"I told you, Frederick! You are a precious and delicate flower, and I cannot risk tarnishing your perfection through contact with the enemy! ...until I shatter you against someone strong enough," he added under his breath.

"That does not sound at all like me," Frederick said.

"Evidently Dan sees something in you that you cannot see yourself," Chrom said. "And that's why he's the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum." He addressed the group, still shaken from the short, intense slaughter. "Shepherds, let's move out, away from these horrors! The bodies will freeze, so we can bury them on our way back! ...let's hope we have better luck with our diplomacy in the capital."

"If anyone asks, we were never here and had nothing to do with anything," Dan added.

* * *

They descended the fort and headed down the tunnel the guards had previously opened for them. "Guys do you think we should close the gate after us, since everyone left here is dead and all?" Kellam asked. "...I'll take that as a you don't notice me."

* * *

 _When does Frederick get up in the morning? Does Raimi have impulse control problems? When will the Shepherds notice Kellam next? How many more absurdly specific attack plans has Dan come up with? What else is Dan supposed to have done to become the Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum? When did Vaike master transcendental meditation? Can Chrom shoot frickin' laser beams from Falchion when he's at full HP? Find out next chapter!_

 **Dan: Hey, Frederick, you know what marching along not training or doing chores reminds me of? Taking a break!**

 **Frederick: Grrrrgggh… Milord, I will ride ahead and keep a front guard to check for ambushes!**

 **Philippe: Ah blow mah nose at you, so-called Chrom-prince, and your silly Ylissean Shepherds!** _ **Fetche la vache!**_

 **Dan: Wait, what? How did you even survive?**

 **Lissa: Oh, hey, Vaike, I think I hear some deer nearby!**

 **Vaike: Oh, sweet! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoooOOOOOooo! Khee-khee-khee-kheeeeaaaaa!**

 **Lissa: Hee-hee-hee-hah!**

 **Sumia: Kellam's gone again...am I the only one who can see him? Maybe he's my imaginary friend?**

 **Kellam: Oh, come on, notice me! I know, I'll just stand in front of your pegasus!**

 **Sumia: Aahh—ow! Oh, Buttercup, don't tell me my clumsiness is rubbing off on you...**

 **Chrom: ...I wonder if the Khan will be angry that we left her southern border unguarded and open?**

 **Dan: Nah, it's not in the...er,** _ **Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight**_ **.**


	6. Commemorative Shrubbery

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Sixth—"Commemorative Shrubbery", or "An Unexpected Meeting"

* * *

The city of Ferox looked just like Ylisstol, except that it was dominated by a huge, circular arena instead of a gleaming palace. And the buildings were much more sturdily constructed of wood and stone to keep out the cold. And there was snow blowing down the streets. And people (including children) who bumped into each other in the streets would randomly pull out sharp weapons and dual each other to first blood on the spot. And every third building was a tavern instead of a concert hall, library, coffee-tasting bar, art museum, or fancy armor boutique. Actually, come to think of it, Ferox is nothing like Ylisstol. What was I thinking?

The Shepherds were waiting in the entry hall of Castle Ferox, which resembled an outgrowth of the arena.

"Please wait here while I summon the khan," a servant said, bowing out of the room.

"He's out training, I'd wager," Chrom said. "The khans of Ferox prefer battle to politics. Or rather, battle IS their politics."

"She, actually," Dan said, recalling the image of Flavia from his guide. "Dark skin, wild blonde hair in a ponytail, tough as nails, never without her sword and armor…"

"Well, sounds like someone came prepared for an audience," Flavia said, walking in. "Impressive. Here I am, Prince Chrom of Ylisse. East-Khan Flavia, at your service. What brings you to Regna Ferox?"

Stepping forward, Dan answered for Chrom. "We're here to fight as your champions in the upcoming east-west tournament for sovereignty of both kingdoms."

"Hah!" Flavia laughed. "Straight to the point. I like that. And as I am in need of champions, you couldn't have volunteered at a better time!"

"Wait, what?" Chrom said. "Dan, we have no time for—"

"Future knowledge," Dan interrupted.

"Er...very well, if you're sure…" Chrom said uneasily. "And...afterward, may we discuss Ylisse's need for the assistance of your soldiers?"

"Sure, if I manage to regain my hold over both kingdoms. ...say, you came from the south, did you not?"

"We did."

"My scouts recently brought a troubling report that the garrison at the Longfort was wiped out," Flavia said, furrowing her brow. "Did you happen to pass by there, and perhaps notice any clues as to what happened?"

"Um, er, no, we came by a different route, didn't come anywhere near the Longfort," Dan said, laughing nervously. Chrom looked at him, but shrugged and said nothing.

"Damn," Flavia said, running a finger along her sword. "The dastards who killed those men could still be at large in Ferox even as we speak…if I found those dogs, I'd give them a taste of my steel!" She noticed Chrom sweating profusely. "My, Prince Chrom, is this cold hall too hot for you? Hah! I thought Ylisseans were made of softer stuff, but clearly I underestimated you!"

"...yes, that's it exactly," Chrom said reluctantly.

Flavia noticed Virion, mouth covered with a gag and eyebrow arched seductively, kneeling next to her, fervently gesticulating with one hand on his heart and the other beckoning to her. "What is this man doing, and why is he gagged?"

"Mmmm-mmmmmm-mmmmmph! Mmm-mm-mm-mmmmmmm!" Virion said as romantically as he could.

"He...has bad breath, O khan," Dan said. "Like, really, _really_ bad." Virion _mmmmph_ ed at him indignantly.

"A pity," Flavia said. "Follow me, champions. I'll take you to the arena." They followed her to a door, Virion glaring at Dan.

* * *

"...so we'll be fighting the West-Khan's champions, and whosever team wins gains control of Regna Ferox until the next tournament?" Chrom was saying as they entered the ready room adjacent the arena.

"Right," Flavia said. "And the West-Khan won the last tournament, so I have no power to help you unless I win the belt—uh, I mean, supreme khanship back from him."

"Oh yeah!" Vaike said, pulling out his axe. "The Vaike really IS a master of this kind of diplomacy! Let's kick some butt in there!"

"Mind your confidence," Flavia said, smiling. "I hear the West-Khan's champion is a peerless swordsman."

"Swordswoman, actually," Dan corrected, "and she's—"

A horn blast from inside the arena cut him off. "That's the signal!" Flavia exclaimed. "Get in there and do me proud!"

Dan's preselected team consisting of Chrom, Vaike, Stahl, Sumia, Lissa, and Miriel (he hadn't noticed Kellam again) charged through the opening doors and into the arena. All of them, Dan included, were staggered by its scale: the pit was over fifty paces across under a huge vaulted ceiling, with thousands of screaming fans in bleachers surrounding it. They were clearly from faraway lands, maybe Valm; they wore strange clothing with numbers on their chests, had off-color skin, and waved their grossly oversized hands in the air.

"Chrom! Look!" Lissa said. She pointed across the arena, where "Marth" was looking straight at them. "...Chrom?" Lissa started as she realized Chrom was no longer standing next to her, but was on the other side of the arena, locking blades with the masked swordsman. "...hey, what?"

"Plot development!" Dan exclaimed.

"'Marth' is so dark and mysterious and dreamy…" Lissa said longingly, watching them spar.

"Eew, Lissa, that's disgusting! She's totally your—"

"Gods, but he's good," Chrom said, suddenly between them again. "His men look capable as well. Dan, I leave the battle in your hands."

Dan nodded. "Right. Shepherds, attack plan sigma-basketweaver-thirteen!"

"But I don't have any coconuts!" Sully protested.

"Oh, uh...I meant attack plan sigma-basketweaver- _fourteen_!"

"That hardly seems practical at the present time, given that we are not in free fall," Miriel said.

"...fifteen?" Dan ventured.

"We never came up with a fifteen!" Chrom said nervously. "Think of something fast, Dan, his men are advancing on us!"

"Okay, fine, everyone just stand together and take them out as they come to us! Except Vaike, you go out and smash some face."

"Even their weapons will shake with feeeeaaaaarrr!" Vaike cried as he charged off to the other side of the arena.

* * *

Sumia took off and circled above the other Shepherds, watching the Feroxi fighters advance from above. _That Chrom is a_ _stubborn_ _one_ , she thought, _but I'll get him to notice me yet! Maybe if I take a page from one of One-Eyed Tatiana's many books…_

Looking down, she saw Chrom attack two fighters with another spin attack. One of them leaped back to dodge; targeting him, she took Buttercup into a dive. Her primal scream made him look up, just before she crashed down on him. She jumped off Buttercup, ran back towards the downed fighter, tripped and bounced back to her unsteady feet, grabbed his fallen axe, and raised it above his neck with both hands. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRIFLING WITH ONE-EYED TATIANA, SHADOWSPAWN!"

Chrom, catching his trusty boomerang, suddenly noticed her (hallelujah!). "Sumia! What are you doing!?"

Sumia froze and turned to him. "Ah-! Chrom! I was just...imitating One-Armed Tatiana!"

"By executing an incapacitated foe? Committing a war crime?" Chrom shook his head. "Maybe you should read something else for a while…" He pulled out a bomb and charged off toward an approaching knight.

"...rats," Sumia said. She fell again. "Darned boots!"

* * *

Trying to keep her distance from the enemy combatants as Chrom and Sumia engaged them, Miriel held her quill and clipboard tight and shouted at one of them. "Would you characterize the food supply of your society as primarily agricultural, pastoral, hunter-gathering, or fishing based!?"

The Feroxi fighter paused in confusion and stared at her until Chrom cut him in half. "Nice job distracting the enemy, Miriel!"

"I am not attempting to 'distract the enemy'," Miriel said indignantly, "I am _trying_ to conduct a potentially fruitful cross-cultural study with the local Feroxi population, and you are actively decreasing my sample size!" She run over to a mage before Chrom had a chance to shoot him with his slingshot. "On a scale from one to seven, seven being most free, how free are women in your culture to travel and conduct business outside the home!?" Chrom cut the mage down with another spin attack. "Confound it, commander!"

"We're fighting a battle, not taking a survey!" Chrom reminded her. "You should be assisting us!"

"Well, I can't very well do so with this, can I?" Miriel said, holding an axe up, upside down.

"Why do you have that?"

"I have my suspicions…"

* * *

"Yaaaaaaahhhh! Even my muscles have, uh...muscles!" Vaike yelled as he charged at an enemy knight. "Eat this!" He swung at the knight...and felt his blow glance off because he was carrying a red book. "Wait, what!?" He hurriedly jumped to the side to dodge the knight's counterthrust, thinking quickly. "Okay, a magic tome...uh, don't panic, the Vaike is master of all things magical...just remember the magic word Lissa taught you… _Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious_!"

The tome burst into flames in his hands. "Oh, crap! Hot hot hot hot!" He reflexively threw the tome at the knight; it glanced off and mildly annoyed him. "Yikes! Deer, come save me! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-kheooo-khee-khee-kheeooo!"

* * *

Stahl trotted his horse around the other Shepherds, forming a perimeter. To his shame, he was probably not battling at anything like his full potential, mostly because he was hungry. "Yeah, Chrom! Slice those fighters! ...wow, Sumia!" He idly stabbed an approaching swordsman, then returned to imagining what he might have for lunch.

He suddenly gasped involuntarily. _Bacon_. He could smell it in the air. Looking around frantically, he found the culprit: a portly axeman with a bulging rations bag. He spurred his steed into a gallop and drew his sword. "FOR YLISSE AND THE EXALT! DEEEEEEEAAAAATH! DEEEEEAAAAAATH!" As he dismembered/trampled the hapless combatant, he snagged his bag, then returned to trotting around his allies as he began rummaging through it. "Gods, this guy was hungry...smoked bacon...another meat pie...some ribs...garlic bread...mmm…" Stahl stopped himself from talking as he realized he was drooling on the food.

* * *

Dan found himself standing by his Sub-Enemy, Lissa (his Archenemy being Frederick), watching the battle unfold around them. Miriel was feeling strangely pacifistic this battle, Stahl had apparently taken the opportunity to catch up on his meals, and Vaike was being disappointingly cowardly, but Sumia was fighting as if possessed, and Chrom always seemed to have some new trick up his sleeve (despite not having sleeves). Dan watched in approval as he pulled out a big freaking hammer and smashed a Feroxi knight with it, then used a cane to create a cube-shaped block out of nothing to block an enemy lance. _All in all, everything is going according to plan..._

He and Lissa both turned to see a swordsman coming at them from behind, having snuck up along the outer wall. "Oh snap!" Dan started backing up. "Go away! ...Chrom!"

Lissa stepped forward and stiffened; Dan flinched as her pigtails suddenly expanded with an audible _foof_ to roughly the size of small horses, making her appear as tall as Frederick and at least as wide. On top of that, she _hissed_ like a bobcat. The man could barely turn around fast enough, and ran off screaming.

"...wow," Dan said, as Lissa's hair returned to its normal size. "Are your pigtails prehensile or something?"

"Yup!" Dan resolved to plan his still-inevitable revenge on her more carefully.

* * *

A few minutes later, the dust of the fighting had mostly settled (literally, the arena was seriously filthy) and Chrom led the Shepherds toward the awaiting "Marth".

"This is it...I'll give it my all," Chrom said determinedly.

"Uh, before you do, you should know that she's totally—"

Chrom cut Dan off. "Dan, I told you before to cease this gender confusion! Whoever he is, he saved our lives, and I cannot allow you to disrespect him like this!"

"Your friends fight well," the masked swordsman said as they approached her.

Chrom approached Lucina, sword at his side. "Who is your father?"

"Dude, it's—" Dan was cut off yet again by the trumpeting of an elephant. The post-battle parade was already entering the far side of the arena.

"Let's be done with this!" Chrom said. He drew his sword and charged at Lucina. At the last moment, he jumped, got into a crouch, and planted his sword facing straight down as he flew into her.

Somehow, despite the forceful impalement, Lucina ended up only bruised and dirt-covered. "Impressive...but not surprising…" She faded and disappeared in front of them, just as all the other enemies had. Dan still wasn't sure how they did that, or why there were graveyards if no one left a corpse.

"The East-Khan's champions are victorious!" the announcer shouted, his voice magically magnified.

Flavia vaulted down from the stands to them. "Well fought! The full power of Regna Ferox is mine once more! Let the trenches run with the blood of my enemies! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Chrom backed away from her uneasily. "...we still get our reinforcements, right?"

"Of course," Flavia said normally. "...MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"Eh, she's like this every time she wins," a hulking, one-eyed man said, joining the post-battle huddle. "I'm Basilio, the West-Khan you so considerately removed from power!"

"...sorry," Chrom said. "But it was necessary."

Basilio laughed, a booming laugh that Dan could feel in his chest. "Hah-hah! I'm sure it was, boy! Er, prince! And you fought bravely; gave me one hell of a show! I thought I'd come out here to give you a little victory present."

"Oh? That is too kind of you."

"I insist," Basilio said. He motioned for two men who carried a crate between them; they came up and set it between Basilio and Chrom. They opened it to reveal...a curled-up man in a long coat with a sword that barely fit into the create diagonally? "What the—Lon'qu! What the hell are you doing in there!?"

The Myrmidon grabbed his sword and sat up in the create, hair covered in packing hay. "I wanted to roam free," he said simply.

"Well, you picked a fine way to escape! I'm terribly sorry," he said to Chrom. "There was supposed to be a lovely commemorative shrubbery in there, not my crazy former champion!"

"We'll take him anyway," Dan answered; he'd been expecting to recruit Lon'qu anyway.

"Fine by me; he's your man," Basilio said. The Myrmidon merely nodded his assent.

"Yay, a new friend!" Lissa said, her pigtails poofing out in a process disturbingly reminiscent of earlier.

As she walked up to Lon'qu, he recoiled, putting a hand on his sword. "Away, woman!"

"Wha? What did I say? Was it my hair? I can tone it down...kind of…maybe not..."

"No, it's just that I get...uncomfortable around women. I'd appreciate it if you kept your distance."

Dan smiled. _He reminds me of Florina. Imagine what would happen if they met...I bet they wouldn't be able to get within twenty paces of each other!_

* * *

An hour later, after some post-battle celebrations courtesy of Flavia, the tournament champions were headed for an inn in Ferox she had recommended, at Lissa's insistence.

"Yay, a soft bed and no freezing to death!" Lissa cheered, alternately poofing and unpoofing her hair.

"This...luxury...is unworthy of a soldier," Frederick said, frowning. "Milord, if it is permitted, I will sleep in the stable to watch the horses."

"Always concerned about your character, aren't you, Frederick the Wary?" Chrom said.

"Of course."

Dan smiled at their now-familiar banter. He couldn't see Lissa ever getting used to sleeping rough, nor Frederick to not insisting on it.

He did a double take. A flash of red hair had just seemed...familiar. Turning, he saw a cloaked figure walking away from them. He dropped back from the Shepherds—he knew where the inn was—and followed the figure. It disappeared into a house down the street; Dan stood across the way from the front door until the figure reappeared a few minutes later.

"Priscilla?"

She gasped upon seeing Dan. "Ahhh! Dan! ...oh, I mean, hi, Dan!" She lowered the hood of her cloak, leaving no doubts as to her identity. "I'm Sainzilla now, remember?"

"Oh...right," Apparently, due to some kind of "spirit shuffle" that had taken place while Dan had been dead, several of his old friends had switched bodies. 'Sainzilla', he managed to remember, was Sain's spirit in Priscilla's body. Even after all this time, it was confusing to him. "How did you get here?"

"I could ask you the same… I just woke up in a snowy field near here."

Dan sighed. "That's my story, minus the snow. When was the last day you remember in Elibe?"

"It was a week after Lord Uther's birthday...so that would be September 5th."

"The same day I came here," Dan said. _So we disappeared from Elibe at the same time._

"You are the first Elibean I've seen here," Sainzilla said. "Have you met anyone else?"

"No," Dan lied. "No one. Especially not Marcus."

Sainzilla laughed too loudly for Priscilla. "Even after he helped you defeat Nergal, you two never did see eye to eye."

"Tell me about it… Anyway, we're staying at an inn nearby. Come along, Pris...er, Sainzilla."

Sainzilla looked down at his feet. "Oh...since I came here, I've been working as a healer in town. You remember I'd been practicing with staves, since I'm not much good as a cavalier anymore. I actually kind of like this life." He paused for a moment. "...who is 'we'?"

"Prince Chrom of Ylisse and his Shepherds, of course!" Dan said. "Another adventure to save the land! Come on and join us! It's just like old times, but with branching promotions and stuff!"

Sainzilla's face took on a sadness more reminiscent of the old Priscilla. "Er, Dan...when I said I like this life, I also meant that it's...easier living this way, rather than traveling around with, um...lots of gorgeous women. You know, because I can't…er." He left it unsaid; Dan remembered how depressed Sainzilla had been at first about no longer being able to flirt with women.

"Nope, you're coming with us!" He grabbed Sainzilla by the hand and marched him off to the inn.

"Sigh...yes, Tactician Dan."

* * *

Back at the inn, Dan introduced Sainzilla to the Shepherds merely as a healer he'd met who had offered to join them, making no mention for now of their past together. He seemed annoyed at the claim that he had asked to join Dan, but said nothing of it. Turning away from Chrom after being introduced, Sainzilla jumped at the sight of an eager and amorous Virion, standing just behind him. "Ah-! Hello, are you one of the Shepherds?"

"Ohh!" Virion sighed rapturously.

"Hm?"

"Those eyes, with such exquisite sorrow! What subtle and fine nobility they possess! You must be a highborn lady of Ylisse!"

Sainzilla froze in place, his face slowly meandering from exquisite sorrow to deep sadness, then from sadness to profound bewilderment, then finally to despair. Unfreezing, he burst into tears and ran away from the archest of archers.

Virion reached out a hand after her. "Wait, my lovely one! Have I offended thee? I humbly beg your forgiveness! I am but a lost boy offering up his childish wishes to the goddess of beauty! I shall be your servant of love for as long as you will have me! Come back!"

Sully walked up to him, frowning and holding a strip of burlap. "Do I have to put the gag back on, Virion?"

He shrunk back, forgetting Sainzilla for now. "...no, my sweet, of course not…"

* * *

Sainzilla sat at a table on the opposite side of the dining room, sobbing, when Sumia approached her.

"Pardon me, I couldn't stand hearing you cry without saying something… I'm Sumia! You must be that new girl who just joined the Shepherds; looks like we'll be traveling together!"

"I'm Lissa! It's good to meet you!" the Cleric said, walking up. "What's wrong? Can I do anything to help? Virion can be a total pain, but we've all been there, and we're here for you!"

Sainzilla raised his head and looked back and forth between their smiling, comforting faces. "Oh wow, you're beautiful!" Sumia exclaimed. "I love your hair!"

The ill-fated cavalier/troubadour emphatically redoubled his sobbing, rising and running up the stairs to the bedrooms. "Waaaaaaahhhh-aahhh-ahhhhhhh!"

Lissa put a supportive hand on Sumia's shoulder. "It's not your fault, Sumia. Some people are just really sad...but we'll help our new friend feel better soon, just you wait!"

"We sure will!" Sumia said determinedly, just before she fell to the floor. "Ow."

"Sorry! My bad!"

* * *

 _How did Dan and Sainzilla get here? Does Sain deserve such a strong dose of his own medicine? What is attack plan sigma-basketweaver-fourteen for? Is Chrom the ancestor of Link? What is the primary food source of the Feroxi? Is Lissa secretly the most terrifying Shepherd? What_ would _happen if Lon'qu and Florina met, and is this merely a hypothetical possibility? Are Hylians partial Manaketes who have run out of Dragonstones? Find out all of these and more next time on Dan's Awakening!_

 **Sainzilla:** **...waaaaaahhh! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!**

 **Lon'qu: Oh-! I...I wasn't aware I would be sharing this room with a woman.**

 **Sainzilla: ...it's...a long story.**

 **Miriel: Blast, thanks to the commander, my data are woefully incomplete… I shall conduct a study on Feroxi attitudes toward being woken up in the middle of the night for scientific studies! Away!**

 **Chrom: So, Dan, what were you saying about Marth?**

 **Dan: Oh, only that he's your—*BOOM***

 **Chrom: Wow, a thunderstorm in the middle of winter? Regna Ferox has such violent, bizarre weather… You were saying?**

 **Dan: "Marth" is totally from—**

 **Vaike: Who's up for a late-night raid on the girls' room? I think I saw our new healer makin' eyes at the Vaike!**

 **Dan: No, you didn't.**

 **Chrom: Not now, Vaike, Dan was about to tell me something!**

 **Dan: Sigh...he's really your—**

 **Vaike: *BEEEEEELLLLLLCH***

 **Dan: Ugh, screw it, good night.**

 **This is it, the end of the initial six-chapter upload! New chapters will come individually and hopefully regularly. I hope you've enjoyed it so far; please read and review!**


	7. Attack of the Behavioral Psychologists

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Seventh—"Attack of the Behavioral Psychologists", or "Victory Through Your-Mom Jokes"

* * *

The next morning, Sumia stood in the general vicinity of the door to Chrom's room at the inn. She rapidly flicked her gaze between the page of the book she was reading— _101 Salty Sea-Pegasus Tales_ , not for the faint-of-heart—and the handle to his door, while idly bouncing on her heels.

She froze as she heard footsteps approaching the other side. The handle began to turn. "Good morning, cap—ouch!"

Chrom stood over Sumia, now sprawled out on the floor. "Good morning, Sumia. Those boots again? We'll have to get you some new ones when we get back to Ylisstol. Enjoy your morning!" He strode briskly away before she could collect herself.

"Captain, would you like to eat breakfast with me...oh, pegasus plop. One-Eyed Tatiana wouldn't fall down at the worst possible times…even with her lack of depth perception and all..."

* * *

Chrom sat down with Frederick and Dan at a table in the common room. Chrom ate from a bowl of porridge garnished with some bacon; Frederick had a bowl of raw eggs which he periodically downed with a _crunch_ ; Dan's bowl held some rainbow-colored, ring-shaped grain morsels floating in milk.

"Dan, what are those?" Chrom asked. "Where did you get them?"

"Secret menu," Dan said between bites. "Future food. Acquired taste. You wouldn't like them."

Clearing his throat, Frederick spread out a map of the continent before them. "Milord, assuming we plan to avoid the, er...Longfort…" Chrom curtly nodded his approval of this idea. "...then I think the quickest route back to Ylisstol will be to cut through this pass here, then take this farming road down until we can get on this highway, here." He traced the prospective route with his finger.

"Actually, I was thinking of taking us down here next," Dan said, pointing to an island (marked "Halsten Island") over a hundred leagues southeast of Ylisstol.

Chrom dropped a spoonful of porridge. "What!? Dan, with all due respect, we have to report back to Ylisstol and take up the defense against the Risen! What could possibly be on that island that's more important?"

"Someone to recruit," Dan said as if it were obvious.

"To...recruit," Chrom said incredulously. "Who is he? A war hero? Legendary general in retirement? Archsage?"

"Another, long-lost, presumed-dead Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, the master of your order?" Frederick guessed.

"Nope, just a villager." They both stared at him blankly. "Most Esteemed Future whatever knowledge. Don't worry, I'm sure things back home will wait until we're done."

* * *

Two weeks later, Dan hopped off the bow of the boat they'd hired, onto the beach of Halsten Island. "Here we are! Everyone off, and welcome to the Farfort!"

Chrom jumped out behind him. "Dan, I trust you with my life and all, but I must protest this detour yet again and ask that we make haste to Ylisstol!"

"Too late, we're already here! Objection noted and ignored; we'll be fine."

"Land at last!" Stahl said joyously, running off the boat and kissing the sand.

"We were only on the boat for a couple hours, sister," Sully said, getting out behind him.

Sumia stood frozen at the side of the boat. "Okay...I can do this… I can do this… Um...just step up and…" She began to get out of the boat, then without warning catapulted herself off the railing, did a double front flip, and stuck the dismount perfectly on the beach. "WHOAH! That was amazing! Chrom, did you see that?"

"See what?" Chrom said, briefly turning from Dan.

"See...oh, did anyone see that?"

"I saw it!" Kellam said enthusiastically.

"Aw… I bet that'll never happen again…"

"It's, er, good to be off that boat…" Frederick said wearily. Lissa snickered in distinctly unladylike fashion. "Let's be off. I'll lead the way." He spurred his horse into action. Dan managed not to laugh at the sight of his hair pulled into an elaborate braid, festooned with ribbons, to match his horse's tail.

* * *

"A clearing up ahead," Frederick said, still leading the way half an hour later. "I see some figures...an old earthen fort...milord?"

Chrom had suddenly tripped and faceplanted onto the path. He spat out some dirt. "What in… My foot is stuck!"

"Those boots giving you trouble, Captain?" Sumia said, smiling impishly. "...sorry."

Frederick turned his horse to return to Chrom. "It looks like some kind of snare—ahh!" Without warning, a buried net sprang up from the ground and suspended Frederick in the air, horse and all.

"Frederick!" Lissa exclaimed.

"This wasn't in the...uh, the novel!" Dan said. Suddenly the ground under his footstep gave way and he fell into a pit. "Aaaahh-! I'm fine...just missed the spikes."

"Retreat!" Sully exclaimed. She turned her horse around and headed back toward the beach, only to get caught in another net trap. "Aw, c'mon!"

"Every Vaike for himself!" Vaike yelled, turning to run; a weighted net fell onto him and knocked him to the ground. "Oh crap! This is not the Vaike's finest hour!"

"Ooh, I smell something good!" Stahl said, dismounting and walking toward a box propped up on one end by a stick. As he walked in, he bumped the stick aside and the box fell on him, immediately beginning to emit muffled screams. "Aaaaahhhh! Help!" Chrom smacked his forehead.

"EVERYONE FREEZE!" Frederick said commandingly, swinging in the net. "We're clearly dealing with a master hunter-trapper-survivalist here, a seasoned veteran who knows our movements and the terrain near-perfectly. He's probably been living off this land for decades, and may no longer understand our speech. He may have a crudely-improvised-but-terrifyingly-effective bow aimed directly at one or all of us right now, watching from the shadows, grizzled beard and stringy hair blowing in the breeze..."

"Master hunter!?" Lissa cried. "Frederick, I'm s-scared!"

Sainzilla wrapped an arm around her. "Fear not, fair maiden, for I shall protect…" She froze, dropped her arm, and awkwardly inched away as Lissa stared. "Er, nevermind...I'm sorry…"

A youth wearing a brass pot on his head walked up to them. "Well, butter mah pork butter, y'all don't look much like bandits!"

"The hell we don't!" Sully yelled.

"Donnel!?" Dan yelled from the pit. "Of course we're not bandits! What are all these traps doing here?"

"Whoah! How in funimation do ya know mah name!?"

"Magic! Now get me the flurn out of this pit!"

"Right-o, yer wizard-liness!"

* * *

A few minutes later, Donny had extricated everyone from the various traps, and mostly convinced Lissa he wasn't a master hunter-trapper wild man.

"Thank you, lad," Chrom said diplomatically. "I am Chrom, prince of Ylisse and captain of the Shepherds."

Donny's eyes widened. "Wow! So yer real royalty, then!" He furiously bowed repeatedly; Dan stared as he completely doubled over and buried his forehead in the dirt. "Ah'm right extra sorry fer trappin' ya, yer worshipness, sir, milordlination… Ah feel about as foolish as a rooster in a poke! Mah name's Donny."

"Milord," Frederick said, stepping in, "I cannot ignore the distinct possibility that, as much of a bumpkin as this boy appears…"

"Hey!" Donny said indignantly, "...all due respect, yer majesticton royalin' worshipingfulness."

"...that he may have freed us from those traps merely to gain our trust, to then join the Shepherds, distinguish himself in battle, leverage an advisory position on the Exalt's council, instigate a diversionary war with Regna Ferox, marry into the royal family, spend ten years wrapping the Ylissean court around his finger, have the exalt assassinated with untraceable poison, blame Plegian conspirators for it, have himself appointed absolute ruler, seize total power over the state, enact a series of surprisingly reasonable and wise reforms, slowly turn corrupt, have all his opponents executed, silence all dissent, seize Plegia and Valm as puppet states, have himself crowned world emperor, and finally...decriminalize public drunkenness!" He shuddered at the very thought of it.

Donny stared at him blankly. "...ah don't know what all that means, but it doesn't sound like me."

"He's marrying who now?" Lissa inquired.

Chrom also stared. "You really think this...er, scenario is worth considering?"

"It is merely a distinct possibility," Frederick said evenly. "I'm watching you…" he said ominously to Donny.

"So, er, Donny…" Chrom said.

"Y-Yes, yer real-important principality?"

"You can just call me Chrom. Is there a particular reason you set all these traps?"

"Yes, yer royali...er, Prince Chrom, sir. It's bandits! They attacked mah village and carried off the people, includin' my mah!"

"This accursed war seems to spawn more evil and doers of it every day," Chrom said, shaking his head. "The greed of the few becomes the misery of the many...Dan, I assume we're here to help him?"

"Pretty much," Dan said.

"Whoah!" Donny said, eyes widening again. "Yer that Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum everyone's been talkin' about! Ah've practically been teachin' myself to read from the poster about ya and all yer heroic deeds'n'stuff!"

"Uh, yeah...that's me," Dan said apathetically.

"...he can remember that but not just 'Chrom'?" Chrom said under his breath.

"Ah'll take ya to the bandits' camp," Donny said. "But ah have to warn ya… They ain't yer normal barnyard-type bandits."

"How so?" Chrom said.

"They're...weird bandits," Donny said with a shudder. "They talk all...fancy, and they ask all these confusin' questions, and they ring these bells."

"Bells…?"

"I guess we'll find out what that means soon…" Dan said.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Donny had led them to the fort the bandits had holed up in. "This here's where they done taken up camp, yer lordworshiproyalfulness."

"Right; thank you, Donny," Chrom said. "Stay back; the Shepherds and I will handle this."

"Actually, he's the vanguard of our offense,' Dan said. "Gotta gain him a—uh, I mean, get him some precious battle experience."

Donny's jaw dropped. "Wha-!? Yer wizardfulness, with all respect, ah've never even stuck a pig before! Ah'd be about as useless in a battle as a drunk rooster in the hay loft!"

"You'll be fine," Dan said dismissively. He stepped forward toward the camp. "Hey! Bandits! Leave those kids alone! And the adults!"

One of the bandits (Roddick, according to the guide) stepped out of the front gate. He was tall and powerfully-built, with an axe slung over his shoulder, but otherwise he poorly fit the typical bandit mold, with a sharp haircut and glasses; instead of a ragged undershirt, he wore an expensive-looking coat with shiny buttons. "Oh, if it isn't more subjects!" He turned and yelled into the fort. "Everyone, we have some more recruiting to do!" Some equally well-groomed, brainy-looking bandits carrying swords, axes, and bows stepped out.

"...subjects?" Dan said. "What are you, experimenting on us?"

"Precisely!" Roddick said. "We are behavioral psychologists from Ylisse State University, running some studies on the population of this island!"

"...by kidnapping people?" Dan said cautiously. _Psychologist bandits?_

"Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to get subjects for your studies who aren't eager psychology students?" he said angrily. "Or eager people of some kind? It's a huge source of experimental error! This is the only way to get a _truly_ random sample population, free of self-selection bias!"

"O...kay…?" Dan said, raising an eyebrow at the rant. "You guys are seriously messed up."

"On the contrary! You might say we have been conditioned by the repeatedly painful inadequacy of our sampling efforts to seek the perfect survey population! It's practically instinct!"

"What're you weirdos doin' to mah ma!?" Donny demanded.

"Oh, nothing much...some classical conditioning tests; pleasure, pain, reinforcement, punishment…"

"Sickos!"

"Excuse me, commander?" Miriel said. "I happen to be a staunch cognitivist myself, and would love nothing more for the present than to see these charlatans reduced to ash."

Dan smiled. "Duly noted. Shepherds! Prepare to move against the crazy psychologist bandits! For this battle, I'll send in Chrom, Sumia, Vaike, Lissa, Miriel, Sainzilla, Lon'qu, and…" He pointed at each Shepherd as he picked them, but after Lon'qu, his hand suddenly slowed down and stopped in midair, as if moving through jelly. "What the!? I choose…" He tried to point again with the same result. "Stupid hand… Kellam, is that you?"

"Yes, commander, I'm right here!" Kellam said, waving his arms and making a huge racket with his armor.

"Curse you, tying up our unit count and nothing I can do about it… Okay, fine, Kellam, if you're listening right now, just go around stabbing bandits who can't see you! Otherwise, Miriel, Sainzilla, and Lon'qu, take the side gate to the south; Vaike, Lissa, Donny, and I will storm the main gate, and Chrom and Sumia will stand next to each other out here doing nothing!"

"Wait, what?" Chrom said.

"It's time for you to build some support levels," Dan said matter-of-factly. "Just speeding up the inevitable, really."

"'Support'…? Well...if you say so, Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum…" Chrom said.

"Yes, sir, commander! I'll do my best!" Sumia said with a salute, blushing.

* * *

Vaike hacked his way through the heavy wooden front door of the fort. "Teach, I thought you said you were going to breeze through that door like 'a wet blanket with the shivers!'" Dan said.

"Hey, a door's a door," Vaike said. "But we're in, ain't we?"

"Right. Okay, Donny, work your magic!"

"Uh, what magic, yer magicness?" Donny said, standing there awkwardly. He suddenly realized he was holding his lance backwards and flipped it around.

A sword-wielding bandit/psychologist walked into the corridor ahead of them. Noticing the Shepherds, he came running at them, ringing a bell, and lunged at Vaike, drawing blood from his arm as Vaike plowed his axe into the man's side. He keeled over in pain, but didn't fall just yet.

"He's weak! Donny, get'm!"

"This is fer mah ma and the farm! Yaaaaaaahhh!" Donny charged at the bandit and stabbed him; he ate the thrust, took a knee, and faded into nonexistence. "...ah...ah did it! Ah—whoah!" Donny jumped as his muscles suddenly rippled and grew; his height increased by a finger. "Wow, ah feel stronger already!"

"Yes...yes…excellent..." Dan said maniacally, steepling his fingers and cackling.

Meanwhile, Lissa saw to Vaike's wound. "Hey Vaike, did you know I once read a book about this fort?"

"Oh yeah?"

"It said it's secretly...haunted."

Vaike shivered, hugging his axe close to him like a deadly stuffed animal. "What!? H-haunted?"

"Yup, it's true, I read it in a book! By the ghost of its former owner! After he died, penniless and forgotten, at the hands of an angry mob!"

"Hey, wait, how was he forgotten if a mob…"

"Not important. And then an evil sorcerer put a nasty curse on him! And then...a witch put another curse on him! Anyway, his spirit still haunts the halls of this fort...if you listen close enough, you can hear his hate on the wind. That means he's right behind you!"

Vaike was trembling, wide-eyed. "I...I...I hear some wind right now…"

Lissa smiled. "Nope, that's just the wind. But he's out there! His ancient grudge pervades every stone of this fort, so be wary! The walls could start oozing blood, and suck you into them! If you find you have two shadows, one of them is actually an ancient evil about to strip the flesh from your bones and possess your skeleton to inflict the same fate on your companions! Oh, and if you step on the wrong floorstone, it might give way and you'll fall forever!"

Vaike curled into a terrified ball. "Ahhhh!"

"Don't worry, you probably be fine!" Lissa said, disturbingly cheerfully.

"O...okay… Ol'Teach can do this… I hope…"

Dan stood over them, the bandits dispatched. Behind them, Donny was whooping, jubilantly waving his spear over his head. "If you two are done, let's continue."

Vaike quickly recovered and sprang to his feet, careful to stand on the stone he had been sitting on. "Uh...right! Let Teach...I mean, Lissa lead the way!" Lissa contentedly walked ahead and he followed, obsessively stepping exactly where she had been stepping.

Rolling his eyes, Dan indicated to Donny that he should follow. _That Vaike...so wise, yet such a gullible fool._

* * *

Deeper in the fort, psycho-bandit Saab clutched his handmade, fair-trade, organic lance (made by the Silva & Sons Trading Company, est. 1062). "Hey, Kia…"

"What?" the myrmidon said, resting her sword on her shoulder.

"Do you hear...clanking?"

Kia raised an eyebrow. "Clanking? No, crazy person, you must be hearing things… No, I hear it too!" They both looked around.

"Oh, geez, please don't be on to me already…" Kellam said, loudly walking up to them down the middle of the corridor..

Saab was starting to shake, his voice turning high-pitched and unsteady. "I...I think it's getting closer!"

Kia was also starting to panic. "What is that clanking!?"

"It's creeping me out!"

"Where is it coming from!? There's n-nothing there!" She pointed dramatically down the hall, straight at Kellam.

"Whew...I think I'm safe," the Knight said.

"I'm just a postgrad!" Kia said obliviously. "I didn't sign up for this!"

"Me neither!" Saab said. "I'm just a first-year grad student! I'd rather they just keep experimenting on me than drag us onto this rock to die!"

"Wait...it stopped. … ...Saab? SAAB!?" Saab had suddenly developed a hole through his chest, gushing blood. Kia took off sprinting. "AAAAHHHHHH! GHOST! I know it's scientifically impossible, but still, GHOST!"

Kellam watched her run off. "Darn, she's too fast… Let's go find someone else."

* * *

"Sh!" Vaike said, beginning to shake again. "Did you hear that? The gh-ghost got someone!"

"Sounds that way," Lissa said in a hushed voice. "Don't draw its attention."

"Uh, o-okay…"

A magic user suddenly approached them from the side, beginning an incantation from a Fire tome. "Mage!" Dan shouted. "Vaike, soften him up!"

"Okay...aaaahhhhh!" Vaike charged at the mage, who rang a bell and launched a fireball at him. Vaike managed to keep going and connected with a perfectly aimed axe blow that cut the mage in half. "...yeah! I sweat awesomeness!"

"No, he still has 1 HP left!" Dan yelled. "Donny, get'm!"

"Ah got'm, ah got'm!" Dan ran up and finished the mage off as his upper torso was reaching for the tome to cast another Fire spell. "Yes!" As his lance connected, Donny's muscles rippled and grew again; his height sprang up another inch. "Ah feel as fine as an early bird in the ointment!"

"Yes… Eeexcellent… Everything is doing according to plan..." Dan cackled. "Er, a bird in the...what?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sumia and Chrom stood a comfortable distance apart outside the fort, listening to the distant sounds of battle from within. "Any idea why Dan had us wait out here?" Chrom finally said.

"Nope! But I don't mind. We're normally always so busy...you, our fearless leader, running around commanding and inspiring everyone, carrying the burden of Ylisse's safety on your shoulders; me, caring for Buttercup, tripping over my own feet, making pies…"

"Mm." Chrom said. "Yes, I do do...those things."

A long pause. "...I made you a pie!" Sumia said, offering it to Chrom.

"Thank you." Chrom began to dig into it. He ate wordlessly for a few minutes.

"...well, what do you think?" Sumia asked.

"When did you have time to make a pie on the way here?"

"Oh, right...um...I kind of made it a few, er...weeks ago."

"And you've been carrying it around ever since? How is it still hot?"

"That's...not important! What do you think?"

"It's nice."

"Oh...well, it's still good to spend some time with you! We should do this more often!"

"I agree...establishing a rapport with the troops is one of the duties of a leader, but I also have many others."

"Oh...yeah, I guess."

No one said anything for at least ten minutes.

"I'm kind of hungry…" Sumia said. "I'll have some of that pie, if you don't mind." Without warning, for no apparent reason, Sumia tripped and fell over. "Ouch!"

* * *

Kia stood at the center of a veritable phalanx of swords, lances, and axes. "Okay, everyone face outward!" she yelled. "Two sets of eyes for every entrance to this room! And don't blink! Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink! Good luck, everyone…"

"Wh-wh-what if the ghost can walk through walls?" a shaking bandit asked her.

"Come on, everyone knows that's physically impossible!"

"But an invisible ghost isn't?"

"I'm telling you, it's totally real! It impaled Saab!"

Kellam walked into the room, right in front of two bandits. After a few seconds as he approached, one of them screamed, "Aaaahhhhh! I hear clanking!"

"The ghost is here! Every man for himself! RUN!" The bandits broke formation and scurried around wailing like children. One ran straight into Kellam: "Oh! Pardon me!"

"No, pardon _me_!" Kellam said as he stabbed the man. The sight of this drove the panicking scientists into even more of a panic, and he was able to kill several more as they ran into walls or each other in their desperation to escape. "Wow, they're scared."

* * *

Vaike redoubled his shivering at the distant sound of the pandemonium. "Th-th-the ghost is probably eating th-their souls or s-something!"

"Don't worry, Vaike!" Lissa said cheerily. "If it's devouring their souls over there, it means it's not here!"

"I...guess…" Vaike said, relaxing somewhat.

"The ghost!" a panicking researcher cried as he ran towards them frantically, ringing a bell. "Out of my way!"

"No you don't!" Vaike lined the spearman up and gave his axe a twirl before bringing him down with a critical hit. "Yeah! The Vaike is beyond fear! Bring on that ghost! ...wait, actually don't."

"Vaike!" Dan yelled. "A critical!? How could you! That was supposed to be Donny's kill!"'

"Darn tootin'!" Donny said; he was now as tall as Vaike and no longer a scrawny farm boy by any stretch of the imagination.

"Uh...sorry for rocking?" Vaike said.

"You'd better be! No more criticals!"

* * *

"So…" Sumia said to Chrom. "Read any good books lately?"

"Yes." Yet another protracted silence fell on the pair like one of Donny's net traps.

* * *

Kia stood in a darkened corridor in one of the dungeons of the fort, panting rapidly after having sprinted here from above. "Phew...hopefully the ghost will be too busy killing and eating them to notice me escaping…" Noticing the sound of clanking, she whipped around to see Kellam right behind her. "AAAAAHHHH!" She turned to run, then immediately stopped and calmed down. "Huh, almost tripped...I need to be more careful on these floors. Wait, is that..." She turned around and saw Kellam again. "THE GHOST! AHHHH!" She turned to flee and again immediately stopped running. "Gah! These uneven floors!"

"Silence will fall…" Kellam said as he wound up to stab her.

* * *

Miriel forged a path into the Farfort with billowing flames, occasionally allowing herself a malicious cackle as the filthy behaviorists sizzled. "I would see the same done to all the books full of your bankrupt, obsolete theories! They could never fully explain why I am so richly enjoying this! HAHAHA!" She exploded another axe-wielder and headed down the hallway he had come from.

Lon'qu followed behind her, running alongside Sainzilla's horse, both simply letting Miriel lead them further into the fort. "Sainzilla, how are you holding up in your first battle?"

"Quite well, thank you," Sainzilla said.

"Are you sure? I have trained many long hours in the sword since I was a boy, but until a few weeks ago you were but a simple Feroxi village healer."

"Yes, actually...I happen to know a thing or two about fighting on horseback, when it comes to it."

"Impressive; I would not have guessed it of one as slight and...graceful...as you."

"..."

"The time we spent together on the way here...the long marches, the evenings cooking together, the campfire sing-alongs, the beanbag tosses and charades and high-stakes Bridge tournaments… They all helped me to realize something."

"...what is that?"

"I feel...comfortable around you. I am not sure how or why, if it is the way you speak or how you carry yourself, but you do not make me uneasy as other women do. It is...nice."

Sainzilla grimaced and looked away from Lon'qu. "..."

"I'm sorry, I...did not mean to make you uncomfortable. I just meant that I find your presence relaxing, pleasant. Pray, allow me to stay by your side in this battle...so we can protect each other, me with my sword and you with your soothing staff."

"I...guess…" Sainzilla said, decidedly uncomfortably.

"Thank you, mil...er, Sainzilla." He looked up and saw a panel containing the words 'Lon'qu and Sain attained support level C.' "...what is that? Who is 'Sain', a relative of yours?"

"I don't see anything," Sainzilla lied.

Up ahead, Miriel came face-to-face with a purple-haired young mage and immediately began to summon another fireball."Perish, charlatan dog! Ahahahaha!"

"Wait! Please don't!" the mage shouted. "I'm not one of them; I'm just an adjunct professor of paleolinguistics! Those madmen brought me here against my will to help control the subjects!"

"A likely story," she said coldly, maintaining the fireball over her open palm.

"...and I lean more towards cognitive psychology myself!"

"Truce!" Miriel flicked her hand and the fireball disappeared.

Behind her, Lon'qu and Sainzilla finally caught up. Sainzilla gasped as she saw the mage. "Cerk!?" For it was indeed her friend from Elibe, Canas stuck in Erk's body as a result of the Spirit Shuffle.

"Sainzilla!" Cerk said. "How—CCCCEERK!" He uttered an eponymous grunt and slumped to the ground as a lance emerged from his chest. "I ain't...afraid of...no ghost…"

"Haha, n00b!" Kellam said; he pulled the lancehead out and ran off to get more kills.

"CERK!" Sainzilla said, leaping off her horse and running to heal him.

"Potential fellow colleague!" Miriel cried, almost as distraught.

Lon'qu watched Sainzilla take off toward the mage. "Blast, that's how she saw through me so easily...she already has feelings for someone else. I've had many a rival in the arena, but in love…"

* * *

Donny, Dan, Vaike, and Lissa ran into what was once the throne room of the fort. "There he is!" Donny exclaimed. "The creep what goatnapped mah ma!" He gripped his lance, muscles newly bulging, with a scowl on his face.

Roddick strode down from the old throne. "Oh, if it isn't the country rube who doesn't believe in simply filing ethics complaints! Here for your mother?"

"You know ah am!"

"Well, go ahead! Here she is!" He gestured and another researcher led Donny's mother out of a back room.

"Ma!" Donny cried, running towards her.

"Donny! Oh, I was so worried; I've missed you so—"

"No!" the researcher guarding her snapped, spraying her with a water bottle. "Bad Agatha! Bad! Don't do that! Very bad! Remember what you're _supposed_ to do!"

The woman grimaced, clearly pained by the situation. "Uh...Donny, I'm sorry, but...I can't come back with you. Please just go home."

"Good, Agatha, very good!" the researcher said much more kindly. "Good girl! Here, have a treat!" He offered her a candy, which she eagerly accepted and ate.

Donny started, gaping. "Ma!? What'd they do to ya?"

"Fool woman!" Miriel said, bursting into the room. "Have you seriously let this man's meager treats and spray bottle override all your love for your son, all the memories you've created raising him, all your hopes and dreams for his future?"

Agatha grew uncertain. "Um...I…"

Roddick laughed. "Heh-heh! Well, if it isn't the so-called cognitive psychologist, plying her trade of ephemeral conjecture and wild guesswork about the purported internal state of the mind! Your theory is bunk and your magic is grossly insufficient to stop us! The only right course of action is to join our great work, to be part of a sea change in the tides of history that transcends the individual, the triumph of the ages! And if you're good, you get candy!"

"As if I could be tempted by your paltry attempts at reinforcement! And besides, can't you see that the extreme distress of kidnapping will create feelings of resentment in your subjects that in turn engender a systematic sample bias of their own, analogous and opposite to the eagerness of your previous subjects?"

Roddick gasped, staggering back. "What-!? No. No! That's not true...that's impossible..."

"Search your thoughts, you know it to be true!"

He fell to his knees and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Vaike, soften him up," Dan said.

As Vaike timidly charged, the nefarious psychologist pulled out another small bell and rang it furiously; Vaike froze and flinched. "Ahhh-! Huh? I didn't get hurt?"

"You see, my friend, your muscles are no match for the power of classical conditioning!" He kept ringing the bell; Vaike kept flinching and shrinking back. "Hah! Ha-HAH! Back, you fool!"

Another man with a neatly trimmed goatee and pendulum entered the room. "Come now, Roddick," he said in a counseling tone, "can't you see your neurotic obsession with establishing the truth of your pet theory by kidnapping mothers is merely the way you are manifesting your own deeply repressed insecurities stemming from the dearth of praise and attention you received from your own mother, and your latent attraction to her?" He pulled out a pen and notepad. "Tell me, what sort of dreams have you had lately?"

"Ah, Siegfried," Roddick said mock-welcomingly. "As if this room did not already contain enough idiocy…"

"Ugh, anything but psychoanalysts!" Miriel protested.

"Enough with this madness!" Dan shouted. "Shepherds, help Donny finish them!"

A still-trembling Vaike, Lon'qu, and unseen Kellam set to work lightly tapping the remaining behaviorists with their weapons, then quickly pulling back so Donny could stab them. Before attacking the last one, Lon'qu gave his sword a flourish, then practically flew at his target, killing him instantly with a thrust through the throat.

" _Lon'qu_!" Dan yelled.

"Sorry, it just...happens, sometimes." Lon'qu surreptitiously glanced to see if Sainzilla had seen that, but no, she was conversing with Cerk.

"Siegfried!" Miriel said to the psychoanalyst.

"Yes?"

" _Your_ mother!" At the mention of her, Siegfried immediately burst into tears and ran out of the room, crying like a baby. Miriel smiled contentedly. "Like spearing ichthyoids in a water vessel…"

"This isn't over!" Roddick snarled as Donny and Vaike backed him into a corner. "...oh, darn, it is. But the truth of science cannot be suppressed forever! This isn't the last time you've heard the name of Roddick!"

"Actually, it is," Dan said, walking up and reading _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight_. "You don't appear in my future-book after this chapt...I mean, battle."

"Oh...well, drat." Roddick slumped down to the ground, having lost the will to fight. He glumly pulled a piece of candy out of his pocket and ate it. "Mmm...positive gustatory stimulus…" He ate another, then another, than another...

* * *

Donny and his mother ran to each other. "Oh, Donny!" she said. "You're safe! And...my, how you've grown! In the last few hours!"

"Yup, ma, ah'm a man now," Donny said stoically. "Killed quite a few of 'em, too."

"You've saved us all! You'll be the hero of the town!"

Donny hugged her tightly. "No, ma. Ah'm goin' with his royalness, Prince Chrom, and the Shepherds. Ah can help protect other small town folk, maybe even big town folk. Chrom says ah have a gift! ...don't cry, ma. Every pig's got to hop the coop and learn to fly someday."

"Oh, Donny I'm sorry I...wait, every pig...what? Did your uncle Bobba tell you that one?"

"Bye, ma! Ah'll be sure to write ya, as soon as ah learn how!"

* * *

"Phew, almost out of that creepy fort…" Vaike said. "I made it...wait, is that...wind?"

"Wwwwwwsssshhhoouuuwsshhh…" Lissa whispered, creeping up behind Vaike. "BOO!"

Vaike jumped several feet in the air, then dropped his axe sprinted out of the fort screaming. "MOOOOOMMYYYYYYYY!"

"Hee-hee-hee-hee! Oh man, he is never going to live that down…"

* * *

The three Elibeans walked together out of the fort. "So, Cerk," Dan asked, "did you wake up in a field in this land on September 5th as well?"

"No, I woke up in a steppe. I then caught and trained a pigeon to home in on the nearest institution of higher learning and got myself hired there. Little did I know it would lead to banditry, kidnapping, and behavioral psychology. And getting impaled by a ghost…"

"Hey, I'm right here!" Kellam said, walking just behind them.

Cerk ignored him as usual. "Dan, I take it you're leading this band of…'Shepherds', you called them?"

"That's right."

"And are you doing so with the same...er, prescience with which you led us back in Elibe?"

"Yes. Uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, hey, Cerk, any idea how we got here in the first place?"

"Well, Dan, you see, when a mommy universe and a daddy universe love each other very much…"

"I mean here in Ylisse."

"Oh, that, right. I don't know much more than you; some kind of spatiotemporal disturbance, perhaps?"

"So...magic?"

"Of a sort. Perhaps Miriel would know more. She's very bright, that Miriel. She could prove to be an even more useful research assistant than Erk ever was!"

* * *

"Chrom, what was your mother like?" Sumia asked, after watching the psychoanalyst Siegfried enter the fort.

"She was nice."

* * *

 _When will Dan realize how support conversations work in this game? How does Sumia keep her pies pie-ping hot? Will Chrom_ ever _notice her? Will Vaike be able to listen to a bell ringing without flinching again? Will the Shepherds stand a chance against the rogue analytical philosophers of South Feroxi U? Could Kellam defeat the Doctor with his stealth? Is Donny the future world emperor? What_ is _the best way to avoid self-selection bias in a sample population? Find out next time on Dan's Awakening!_

 **Lissa: Hee hee! Who's fearless now, 'Teach'?**

 **Vaike: Hey, that ghost was** _ **right**_ **behind me! His cold, clammy fingers were, like, an inch from my jugular! You'd be scared too!**

 **Dan: Vaike, I thought you were a fifth-rank exorcist; why did you run from the ghost?**

 **Vaike: Uh...er, my powers, great as they may be, only work on underworld ghosts. I can't do much to angry spirits clinging to the realm of the living.**

 **Dan: Ah, I see…**

 **Lissa: Well, congratulations, you survived the creepy fort-ghost! Now there's just the fog that turns you inside-out!**

 **Vaike: Aaahhhh! Mommy!**

 **Cerk: My, this fort is just covered with ancient runes… "Horrible care party deer whisper staking festive"... oh, wait, that's just some weathering patterns on the rocks.**

 **Miriel: This Cerk is quite the sharp one...I may finally have encountered a worthy young subordinate to assist in the advancement of my scientific inquiries.**

 **Kellam: Bad wolf! Bad, bad wolf! Get back here with my beef steak!**


	8. Sir Maxavier Aurelius Saves the Day

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Eighth—"Sir Maxavier Aurelius Saves the Day", or "The Woobie King"

* * *

Chrom burst into the chamber where the Shepherds had arranged, on short notice, to meet with Emmeryn. "Sister!"

Emmeryn smiled, her usual, serene self. "Welcome back, Chrom."

"I wholeheartedly apologize for the delay in my return. Our resident tactician and Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum insisted on diverting to Halsten Island, and then there were these psychologists…"

Emmeryn laughed softly. "Do not worry yourself. I have received envoys informing me of Regna Ferox's support. Apart from that, there have been no new attacks by the Risen threat, no bandit raids, and the border with Plegia has been deafeningly silent."

Chrom blinked and remembered to close his gaping mouth. "That's...uh...very good news! ...wow!" Dan, standing silently next to him, smiled and nodded.

The Falcon Knight Phila burst into the room. "Your grace! M-Milord! Forgive me, but I bring alarming news!"

"Impeccable timing…" Chrom said under his breath.

"Everything going according to plan," Dan replied, holding _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Pegasus Knight_ open in front of him. He turned to respond to Phila. "Plegian soldiers crossed our southwest border, raided a village in Themis, kidnapped the duke's daughter, and blamed the conflict on her!? We're on it!"

Now it was Phila's turn to gape. "That's, er...yes, exactly!"

"Wait, what about Maribelle!?" Lissa demanded.

"Most Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, wait," Emmeryn said. "I will accompany you to the border."

"Sis!?" Chrom. "Surely you can't be serious! It's too dangerous!"

"I am serious, and please don't call me 'sis'. King Gangrel is clearly trying to start a war, and I will do everything in my power not to give him one. I will not see the destruction my father engineered repeated under my rule. I will come with you and offer parley with King Gangrel."

"...very well. Everyone ready yourselves! We march at dawn!"

"That late?" Frederick said with surprise. "It will be nice to sleep in…"

* * *

Chrom bustled down a hall to his quarters in the palace to prepare for departure. Suddenly a young mage appeared, walking alongside him. "Hey Chrom, where are you going? Can I come? I'm all packed and ready!"

"No way, Ricken, you're just a kid! Maybe when you're older."

"And we already have two mages, neither of whom wets the bed," Dan said, from Chrom's other side. "...and you're joining on your own next chapter," he added to himself.

"Hey, that was _months_ ago!" Ricken yelled. He stopped walking and sighed deeply, watching the two continue down the hall. "Aw, jeepers creepers...what I wouldn't give to be all big and grown up…"

* * *

 _Ricken the towering giant strode down the palace hall, each impact of his size 45AAAAA boots a resolute_ boom _on the marble tile. Spiderweb-like cracks emanated from the points where his heels touched the floor. Terrified servants scurried out of the way of the majestic colossus of a mage as his brisk, six-foot strides easily closed the distance between him and the diminutive captain._

 _Lissa stood in adoring awe, watching him walk by, craning her neck to meet his steely gaze. "Marry me, Ricken!" she pleaded._

" _No, Ricken, marry_ me _!" Maribelle begged just as fervently; she and Lissa stared daggers at each other._

" _I'll decide later, you two. Captain Chrom, I would like to accompany you to the Plegian border," Ricken said in a firm, thundering,_ basso profundo _voice that shook the hall and sent a few servants running to catch falling vases and paintings shaken loose by the vibrations._

" _Ricken?" Chrom said in a tone equal parts impressed and intimidated. "How could I have forgotten the tallest, most mature, and most powerful member of the Shepherds? Of course you can come with us! Follow me this way, please." He and Dan disappeared into a doorway at the end of the hall. Ricken walked after them, his billowing robes leaving a strong wake in the air that ruffled the servants' clothes. He approached the doorway, walked through—_

" _OWIE!" Ricken fell to the floor clutching his sternum after nearly shattering it on the door's ornamented lintel stone. His fall made a deafening_ thud _and redoubled the cracks spreading across the floor, which soon coalesced into a hole into which Ricken fell. "Aahhh, jinkies!" Down he came, with a cascade of rubble, onto the floor of the next level, which soon also collapsed and sent him falling down into darkness, accompanied by a virtual avalanche…_

* * *

"On second thought, maybe it wouldn't be so great to be ten feet tall," Ricken said to himself while standing idly in the hall. "Hm, what if I got some stilts and hid them...no, that would never work. Maybe if I rode on Kellam's shoulders and no one noticed him… But how could I get him to… Or maybe leg extension surgery? Blech, no… Oh, boy! I got it! Yippee!" He ran off in another direction, towards his room. "If I can just figure out the spells in time…"

* * *

The next morning, the Shepherds, the exalt, and her retinue arrived at the hills separating Ylisse from its western neighbor, Plegia. Dan was still engrossed in his book, planning his strategy for the upcoming battle.

"Wow, Dan, you're still reading that book!" Sumia exclaimed while rising near Chrom. "What part are you on now?"

Dan, still thinking strategy, drew a total blank. "Um, uh...the part where One-Armed Tatiana...impales some people."

"Oh, I love that part! Enjoy!" _That book must be really repetitive… I'm not sorry I'm not really reading it._

Atop a cliff overlooking the road they had come by, the Mad King Gangrel made his appropriately jester-like entrance, backflipping his way right to the lip of the precipice. He ended up a little too close, toes dangling, arms windmilling. "Whooooah-whoa-whoaah!" As he regained his balance and took a tipsy step back from the cliff, the Plegian soldiers flanking him applauded politely. "Thank you, thank you! Well, well, well! Exalt Ever-grin herself and her brother Prince Swordy-man have come to see me! I'm honored!"

"King Gangrel, I've come for the truth of this unfortunate incident between us," Emmeryn said patiently.

"Where is Maribelle? Is she unharmed?" Chrom demanded.

"Oh, my little 'hostage'?" Gangrel said, making air quotation marks. "Feast your eyes!" He waved his hand and a Plegian soldier hauled Maribelle up next to Gangrel.

"Maribelle!" Lissa exclaimed, running up next to Chrom. "We'll get you out of there, don't worry!"

"I'm not worried, dear," Maribelle said amazingly calmly. "Today, I am having a Good Hair Day, and nothing can take that away from me." And indeed, her hair was perfectly coiffured, not a single strand out of place, emitting a faint, heavenly glow and the drifting sounds of an angelic chorus. The guard rest restraining her seemed unnerved.

"Oh...well, good for you! But we're still coming!"

"Kellam, are you there?" Dan said quietly, behind the royal family.

Kellam heartily saluted. "Right here, sir!"

"Oh, right, I don't know why I bothered asking that. Well, if you are, save us all a big hassle; find your way up onto that cliff and kill Gangrel."

"Kill the King of Plegia!?" Kellam said in disbelief. "I've long dreamed of becoming a witcher, but I never imagined I could be an assassin of kings… What if it causes a huge diplomatic incident or something?" But, of course, Dan ignored him. "Well, okay...I guess you're from the future and all, and hopefully no one will notice me… I should have worn my hiking boots." He set off at a brisk pace up the mountain slope.

"This girl crossed the Plegian border without our consent," Aversa was saying, standing next to Gangrel. "And wounded the brave, strong, dashing Plegian soldiers sent to escort her back home!"

"I'm afraid that is untrue," Maribelle said placidly. "You will find that I did no such thing."

Aversa seemed taken aback by how well she handled the allegations. "Uh...er, well, despite her impeccable manners, she is clearly guilty!" She elbowed Gangrel.

"But wait, there's more!" Gangrel said. "She used her magic to attack the guards and burn down the garrison where she was being...uh, protected! I sent a squadron of wyvern riders to help snap her out of her confusion, but she plucked them from the sky with a fell wind, emitted from her backside, while laughing maniacally! She did a grotesque dance over the shattered corpse of one of my finest lieutenants, and then _ate_ him!" He glanced at Maribelle and saw that all of this had still somehow not ruffled her composure. "...er, with a bread knife and salad fork!"

Maribelle suddenly flew into a rage. "WHAT!? How dare you insinuate such a base falsity, you...you vile cretin! Take it back! NOW!"

"That is all well and good and probably false," Emmeryn said. "Please, Gangrel, be reasonable. Release Maribelle to us; let us settle this without resorting to hostage-taking."

Gangrel pretended to be deep in thought for a moment. "Oh, I'd love to—I mean, no! I was hoping more for a trade of some sort. The girl, for the Fire Emblem! HAHAHAHA—uh, I mean, that is my offer. Take it or leave it, your graceliness!"

"The most sacred royal treasure of Ylisse? Why would you expect me to surrender it to you?"

"Because it is the key to having all of one's wishes granted, and as my older brother has 'dibs' on the Triforce, the Emblem is my only chance at greatness!"

"How are you the king of Plegia if you have an older brother…" Chrom said.

"Every year I ask for it for my birthday, AND for Yuletide, but still nothing from Ylisse…it's like you don't even care...do you even get my list?" Gangrel said, shedding a tear.

"You will never have the Emblem, Gangrel, this I promise you," Emmeryn said resolutely. "Surely we can come to some other arrangement for the release of our friend Maribelle…"

Gangrel shouted back through more tears. "No! You don't care; you never care! I will have the Emblem, even if I have to sue for peace and become your abject servant to so much as look upon it! ...wait, no I won't do that. Peace out, losers!" He did another series of flips and twirls away from the cliff, to the applause of his guards.

"Darnit!" Kellam said, panting from the climb, missing Gangrel due to his acrobatics. "Hold still for a minute!"

As soon as Gangrel was away from the ledge, he seemed to deflate before Kellam's questionably-existing eyes. "They made me bring up my birthdays…" he said miserably to Aversa. "Don't they know how much it hurts? How I have to sing myself 'happy birthday' every year as another fragment of my life slips away? I try to make them laugh, to make them see the true me, but they all just reject me... Why!? Why does no one love me!?" He sobbed into her shoulder.

"Well...this is awkward," Kellam said. "But orders are orders…"

* * *

"Blast, some negotiation that was…" Chrom said to Emmeryn. "What's so special about the Fire Emblem, anyway? Maybe we should have just given it to him."

"Don't say that, Chrom," Emmeryn said. "I would sooner die than surrender the Emblem to that man."

"I won't let it come to that," he said resolutely.

Dan walked up, looking ahead in his player's guide. "Actually, about that…nevermind. Chrom, ready yourself for the battle."

"What are my orders?"

"Stand next to Sumia again, of course! You totally failed to build any support last time!"

"Again…? Dan, what is this 'support', anyway? And how am I supposed to get it by just standing there?"

"You'll know it when you get some! Chop-chop!" He motioned for Chrom to move, over to where Sumia was smiling and waving at him.

Chrom sighed deeply, trudging off towards the Pegasus Knight. "No burden weighs heavier than the weight of duty…"

Dan turned to the rest of the Shepherds. "Anyway, Shepherds! Prepare to march, fly, and climb against Plegia! Lissa, Donny, Cerk, head up this slope, destroy anything in your way!"

"Will do, Dan!" Lissa said. "Maribelle, we're coming for you…"

"Ah'll be up this hill faster'n a greased pig up a chimney!" Donny added.

"Wait, what...a chimney?" Dan said. "Nevermind. Virion, Lon'qu, and Sainzilla, head up the western slope and meet with the A team above!"

"Understood," Lon'qu said. He smiled at Sainzilla, glad to have some time with her away from Cerk.

"Thank you, Tactician Dan!" Virion gushed. He knelt towards Sainzilla again. "Fear not the shouts of the enemy and the clashes of steel, my sweet! For I, Virion, the archest of archers, champion of the meek and beautiful, shall protect you with...wait, where are you going?"

"Sigh…" Frowning, Sainzilla turned her horse away from Virion and got a head start along the trail.

"And lastly," Dan continued, "Vaike!"

"Hah! I knew you would need ol' Teach!" Vaike said, grinning.

"You're going to help me scale this cliff face and execute a surgical ambush on the enemy up top!"

Vaike gulped, looking up at the rock wall before them. "Uh...you mean...you want me to climb that?"

"Sure! You're always talking about what a master climber you are! How you never use the stairs anywhere, how your other, other, other nickname is 'the human spider', how heights are scared of you… I was hoping you could show me the ropes! Not that you need them, of course."

Vaike began trembling again. "Oh...er, uh, okay… Well, the first rule of rock climbing is: don't fall…"

Dan quickly wrote this down. "Aha, got it…"

* * *

Meanwhile, Aversa was sneering at Maribelle. "Heh...stupid girl. Your friends will be cut down long before they can save you. You'll go down in history as the one who singlehandedly wrought the destruction of House Ylisse! And as a depraved cannibal!"

"That is highly unlikely," Maribelle said, even more calmly than Emmeryn. "I'm sure my friends will be along shortly. And until then, I am having a Good Hair Day."

"Don't rub it in," Aversa said bitterly. "If you need anything, I'll be around...doing evil stuff. Not that I would—" A sudden, knifelike gust of focused air struck her. "Ngh!? Wind magic? Who could…"

Her attacker ran up to them. He stood nearly seven feet tall and, despite his extremely stylish robes marking him as a mage, was visibly heavily muscled underneath them; between the undone top buttons of his linen shirt, a liberal amount of chest hair spilled out. His chiseled face was impossibly handsome, as if hand-carved by a classical sculptor, covered in a few days' stubble with a strong, determined jaw and fiercely expressive eyebrows over icelike blue eyes. He wore no mage's hat, and his brown hair was attractively tousled; his Elwind tome looked like a pulp novel in his sizable hand. "Unhand her, fiend!" he said in a deep voice as warm and pleasant as wood smoke.

"My-!" Aversa exclaimed, blushing. "I'm afraid there has been a misunderstanding, good sir; I was merely having a friendly chat with my good friend Maribelle here!" Maribelle glared at her, then went back to staring in awe at her rescuer. "What might your name be, milord?"

"I am Sir Maxavier Aurelius, Archmage of the first order, sage of the winds, master of the three spiritual stones, guardian of the Forgotten Realms, keeper of the sacred words!"

"My my, I had never heard of any such titles...and yet here you are in the flesh!" Aversa walked towards Maxavier, swaying her hips seductively. "After I see to this little battle, perhaps you'd care to join me in my tent…"

Maxavier grimaced and stuck out his tongue at her. "Blech, no, you're gross! I'm here to save Maribelle, and to stop you! Come on!" He took Maribelle's hand and fled with her.

Aversa watched him go longingly. "Well...I'll be around, if you...please, come back! I'm sick of that Gangrel guy already!"

Maribelle looked up gratefully at her rescuer. "To what do I owe the honor, Sir Maxavier? How did you know to find me?"

"A little bird told me...one of my many familiars. Perhaps you will meet them someday in my enchanted castle." They ran up to Maribelle's horse. "Allow me, milady." He scooped her up princess-style in his arms...then started straining and trembling. "Hrrrgh...Uggggh…"

"My, am I really that heavy? I knew I shouldn't have raided Dan's snack cupboard…"

"No, it's...not your fault...grrrgh… Forgive me, milady." He set Maribelle down and let her mount the horse herself. Even on horseback, she was a head shorter than he. "Right! Let Operation Super-Dashing and Manly Rescue proceed!"

"What was that, milord?"

"Nothing, nothing… Golly, I've gotta stop talking to myself..."

* * *

Donny, Lissa, and Cerk stared up the stony hillside at several Plegian soldiers taunting them from the top; Cerk covered Lissa's eyes as one of them mooned the Shepherds.

"I wonder which one of those guys has Maribelle," Lissa said, frowning. "I'd like to see them try to stop me from getting to her!"

"I propose Donny initiate a spear-out charge up this hill whilst I provide covering fire," Cerk said. "...I used to be a tactician myself, you see. Well, co-tactician."

"Naw, ah figured ah'd just hit'em with a good ol' fashioned rollin' boulder trap," Donny said, pushing a conveniently spherical boulder over to the base of the ramp with surprising ease.

Cerk stared at Donny's toil. "Rolling...boulder… Donny, we are at the bottom of the hill, meaning we have a total lack of relative potential energy. How do you propose to roll it anywhere except by brute force?"

"Ah dunno what most of that meant, but if you meant how ah'm gonna roll it at 'em uphill, you just flip the boulder around, like this!" Donny twisted the boulder where it sat; suddenly, it sprang up the hill, picking up speed as it went, before bowling into the confused soldiers at the top and scattering them. It continued rolling, up the cliff face behind them, then fell into the sky, disappearing with a twinkle.

"Wow, Donny, you're really good with traps!" Lissa exclaimed. "I'm really glad you're not a master hunter-gatherer with stringy hair who doesn't speak any tongue of man, like Frederick said…"

"Ah'm a what now?"

Cerk just gaped at Donny, eye twitching. "What...how...I...gravity...impossible...goodness...no…"

"See, Cerk? Easier 'n pluckin' a pig on a cold summer day!"

"I have no idea what THAT meant!" Lissa said. "Let's go!"

* * *

"So, Chrom," Sumia said, "this time I came prepared for our little chat session! I found lots of great conversation starter questions. Isn't that exciting?"

"Yes," Chrom said flatly.

"Uh...yeah, of course it is! Here, let's see this one... " She pulled a slip of paper out from a small box. "'If you could have any book instantly memorized from cover to cover, which book would you choose?' Oooh, good question, little card! I don't know if I can decide...um… Maybe _Wyvern Wars III: Revenge of the Falcon Knights_? Or _Ribald Tales of the Faith War_ … Hm, but what about _Nora the Explorer and the Sunken Treasure of Shanty Pete_ … Of course, if _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight_ counts as just one book, then definitely that. What about you, Chrom?"

"I don't read much."

"Oh...uh, too bad. I'll try another question. 'Who is the most famous person you've ever met?' ...Emmeryn."

"Emmeryn."

"Right, sorry, bad question. 'If you had to rearrange the letters of your first name to give yourself a new name, what would your new name be?' Oh, I like this one… How about 'Miusa'? Or 'Ismua', or 'Umisa'...or 'Musia'! I like that one! How about you?"

"Crohm."

"… Okay, great! Next… 'If you could have fifty pounds of anything other than money, what would you want?' Hm… Books, probably! I could spend several hours reading them all! As long as I didn't have to carry them all at once, heh...that would be a recipe for disaster. You?"

"Gold bullion."

"...oh, okay. Next...hm, wait a minute…" Sumia turned her head and cupped a hand over her ear. "...did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"I thought I heard someone calling my name…"

"It was probably just the wind," Chrom said.

"I guess…"

* * *

"SUMIA!" Vaike bellowed, cupping his hands over his mouth. "SUMIA! SUUUUUUUUU-MEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAA!"

"SUMIA! CHROM!" Dan joined in, waving his arms frantically to signal the pair. "HELP!"

But it was no use; the ledge they were stuck on was too far up the cliff for them to be heard below.

Dan turned to his companion. "Vaike! What happened to your masterly climbing skills!? If we'd brought a rope up here, at least we could lower each other back down!"

"Like I said, ropes are for losers! It's rule two of climbing, remember? You don't go into a battle expecting to lose, and you don't climb a wall expecting to fall!"

"So what was all that stuff about 'belay' and making 'anchor points' if we didn't use ropes?"

"Oh, that's just stuff real climbers say."

"What about rule number five, 'don't look up'?"

"Just more timeless climbing wisdom ol' Teach picked up this one time in Regna Ferox. It's key to not psyching yourself out."

"You know, Teach, I'm starting to question whether you're really a master climber...and a bunch of other stuff you said."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be hasty! When has the Vaike ever steered you wrong?" He looked around at their surroundings. "...besides now."

"The time your 'bear trap idea' got our camp ransacked and all our food eaten...that other time your belching in that lord's presence led to us being forced to sleep outside and getting chased by wolves...that time you accidentally grabbed a flower instead of your axe and tried to teach us to 'make love, not war'...and your recent paper on the _Regnasaga_ reeked of rehashed neo-existentialist drivel!"

Vaike shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah, I guess I kinda did do all that stuff...but hey! Have I taught you about cow-whispering yet?"

"Ooh, no you haven't!" Dan said, eagerly sitting down at Vaike's feet.

"Then let the good Teach enlighten you! Now, the first rule is, you gotta sneak up on the cow, but not from right behind her…"

* * *

"Princess Sainzilla, from what land do you hail?" Virion was asking as he walked alongside her horse. "Your beauty is...exotic, yet inviting. I've met many a woman from every known corner of the world, yet none of them can match you! Tell me, what is your secret? Whence arises your quiet determination, the downturn of the corner of your perfect lips, the...no, come back! Playing the demure, hard to get one, I see." He smiled, shaking his head. "But a true warrior on the battlefield of love such as myself knows that the harder-attained prize is the sweeter!"

Lon'qu gave a little smile as Sainzilla moved her horse to walk alongside him. "Heh, that guy just won't shut up, will he? Totally insufferable...I'm sorry Dan put him with us. But still, it's good to spend more time with you. Sometimes in camp, or when we're traveling, it almost feels like you're avoiding me, but of course that's just my imagination. Say, what were you hoping to do after this battle?" Shaking her head, Sainzilla went back toward Virion. "Ah...Lon'qu, you idiot! Of course she's still head over heels for that Cerk; they probably go way back or something… We'll see which one of us gives up first. It sure won't be me."

"Ah, my delight, my love! I knew you could not bear to be parted from me for long… Perhaps you are melancholy because you fear your prospects in the coming battle? Well, fear not! For my aim is true as my heart, and on all my honor I swear I shan't let any harm befall you! Simply stay close, my pet, as my arrows, bolts of heaven's justice, rend both man and beast should they approach with ill will! And, unthinkable as it may be, should I suffer an injury while defending your person, my faith in the swiftness of your soothing staff and the burning affection in your heart will make it seem a mere scratch! Together we shall prove the ages-old adage that love conquers all! …"

Sainzilla turned to ride equidistant from both Virion and Lon'qu as they both continued attempting to strike up a conversation with her. "So this is how it feels… I can't believe I used to be like that."

* * *

"Geez, come on, stop moving for a second..." Kellam said out loud to himself as he followed Gangrel on a winding course through the Plegian camp, careful not to bump into anyone.

"Aversa, why don't they love me?" Gangrel was still sobbing to Aversa. The Plegian soldiers around them stared at their king while trying to appear not to.

"Love, milord? Is it not greater to be feared?"

"Well, sure...uh, I mean, of course not! That's no fun at all! Those wonderful Ylissean royals...I try to entertain them, make them laugh, be their friend, but none of them can take a joke...I bet they don't even read my yearly Yuletide list!"

"It might help if you didn't kidnap their friends, milord. Not that I'm complaining."

"It's just a good laugh for good friends to share! At least, it's supposed to be… Why, Aversa, why does no one get my quirky, incisive sense of humor? Why don't they understand me for the special flower that I am?"

Aversa seemed eager to get away from the mad king. "I'm...not sure, milord. But I have somewhere in mind that should really cheer you up."

"Oh, goody!"

"Hopefully he'll take a break from all this jogging when he gets there…" Kellam said. He looked ahead toward Gangrel's destination, and his eyes briefly widened (so they do exist!). "Aw, you have to be kidding me!"

* * *

"Sainzilla is clearly worn-out and ill-at-ease because of your constant, shameless womanizing," Lon'qu was scolding Virion. "It's enough to exhaust anyone."

"How dare you, sir? It is far more likely that she is overly put-off by your lack of manners, your boorish speech, your, er...musk."

"Who are you calling smelly?"

"You, my northern barbarian friend!"

Sainzilla sighed. She wasn't sure if this was better or worse than being flirted with directly. She noticed another mounted healer up ahead, accompanied by a towering robed figure. "Hey, what's that up ahead?"

"Ah! It is the beauteous Lady Maribelle!" Virion took off running towards her. "I shan't let her throw me out on my ear this time!"

"Finally…" Sainzilla said to herself. "I truly feel sorry for Maribelle…aw, crap, she IS gorgeous! Would that Sain were the one trying his chances with that face..."

"Lady Maribelle, my angel, your hair is finer than any halo! ...unusually so!" Virion said, getting into his usual kneeling stance as Maribelle turned to regard him. "How my heart has pined after you since we were so cruelly separated by the hands of fate!"

"I seem to remember it was my hands that 'cruelly separated' us..." Maribelle said.

"But now that they have seen fit to bring us back together, we can at last…" He turned and, amazingly, noticed Maxavier for the first time. "...er. Who is your friend?"

"Sir Maxavier Aurelius," the mage said. "Archmage of the first order, sage of the winds, master of the three spiritual stones, guardian of the Forgotten Realms, keeper of the sacred words. And Maribelle's _rescuer_."

Virion plastered a forced smile on his face. "Ah, Sir...Maxavier. It is...good to meet you. I am...so very glad you have taken care of Lady Maribelle in my absence from her side."

"A pleasure to meet you as well," Maxavier said, swallowing Virion's hand up in a handshake. "I am attempting to escort the Lady Maribelle back to Ylisse. Perhaps you might point us in the right direction?"

"My...pleasure." Virion bowed to the two; after Maxavier turned away, Virion snarled and spat a puff of fire at him.

"Wow, I would not want to be fighting that guy in the arena," Lon'qu said, waiting him match words with Virion. "He's...really something."

"Yeah…" Sainzilla said dreamily. "He's so tall and mysterious, and his face is so perfect, and...augh, what am I saying!?"

* * *

"Now Donny," Cerk was saying, "earlier you mentioned that violating the law of gravity was 'easier than plucking a pig on a cold summer day'...ignoring how the devil you managed to do that, what did you mean by that idiomatic expression?"

"Well, mister Cerk, ya want to use pigs' summer bristles for brushin' your chompers, not their winter ones, on account of the winter ones are way too thick and long...so you gotta pluck'em in the summertime. And it's easier on a cold day, 'cause then their bristles stand up and get all pointy, and they're more concerned 'bout keepin' warm than wrestlin' with you."

"Aha, fascinating…" Cerk finished furiously taking notes. "And what about earlier, 'faster than a greased pig up a chimney'?"

"Oh, that," Donny said with a laugh, "there was this one time the week before Yuletide…"

"MARIBELLE!" Lissa cried. Her pigtails stood up high and almost exploded with an audible _shoomph_.

"Goodness, prehensile hair!?" Cerk exclaimed. "How do they do that...wait, Lissa, come back so I can examine your scalp!"

But Lissa was busy sprinting towards her friend, who had dismounted and was running to her. "Lissa! Oh, Lissa! I was so worried!"

"I was worried about YOU, dummy!" Lissa said, embracing her.

"Oh, no need for that; I'm having a Good Hair Day. Nothing can go wrong on a Good Hair Day."

They embraced each other and Lissa stepped back, then jumped at the sight of Maxavier. "Whoah! Who's your friend?" Virion frowned at him all the harder, but was ignored.

"My rescuer," Maribelle corrected affectionately.

"I am Sir Maxavier Aurelius," the impressive mage said in his awesome voice, adding his usual list of titles. "It is my supreme pleasure to make your acquaintance." He bowed low to Lissa, so that his eyes were level with hers.

Lissa stared up at him wide-eyed. "Uh...I'm Lissa, princess of Ylisse! Pleased to meet you!" She mouthed 'wow' at Maribelle, who nodded.

"Milady Lissa!" Cerk exclaimed, running up panting. "I need to examine your hair!" He dug his fingers into Lissa's pigtails, running them along her scalp.

Lissa jumped and shook him off "CERK! Not in front of the giant gentleman...or ever…"

Cerk didn't marvel at Maxavier so much as study him. "Hm...interesting."

"Are you joining the Shepherds, Maxavier?" Lissa asked.

He smiled."I was indeed hoping to, after this battle. Princess Lissa, Lady Maribelle, perhaps one of you might like to give me the tour of my accommodations?"

"I would love to!" Maribelle said.

"No, let me do it!" Lissa said. "You've had him all to yourself up until now!"

"He rescued me, and I should have the opportunity to repay him!" Maribelle shot back, beginning to lose her Good Hair Day cool again.

"I'm a princess and you're just a duke's daughter! Hand him over!"

" _You_ dare to pull rank on me? When have you ever acted in keeping with your social station?"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean!?"

"Wow, I've never had women fight over me before!" Maxavier gushed. "Gee golly jeepers, this is all so exciting!"

"'Gee golly jeepers'?" Lissa said incredulously. "Hey, that sounds familiar…"

"Oh, beans and squash," Maxavier said, backing away from them. "I shouldn't have said that…"

"I _knew_ there was something strange about you!" Cerk said. "An illusion spell...begone!" Maxavier's hulking form faded away, leaving Ricken standing in his place. Virion immediately let out a sigh of relief and stopped glaring.

Maribelle gasped. "R-Ricken!? YOU rescued me? I suppose that explains why you couldn't lift me…"

Ricken groaned. "Awww, dipsy-doodle! I just wanted to be all grown-up and the hero...and look down on people, for once."

"Well, you _did_ rescue me, disguise or no, so to me, you _are_ a hero!"

"Yippee!"

"...when you're older."

"Awww…"

Lissa was doubled over laughing. "Ha-hah! It was such a pleasure to meet you, _Sir Maxavier Aurelius!_ Hee-hee-hee-hee!"

"Aw, come on, Lissa, don't! Please don't tell Chrom…"

Lissa winked. "Don't worry, this will be our little secret… Especially when I want you to do something for me!"

"Aaaaaouuugh…"

* * *

During the extended teasing session, Donny and Cerk ran rampant through the whole map, striking down enemies left and right as upbeat instrumental pop music inexplicably played because the author was too busy coming up with ridiculous love triangles and writing purple prose to remember to write any fight sequences in this chapter! Donny's muscles were starting to bulge and turn veiny, his old peasant's garb was fitting him increasingly tightly, and his hair was starting to expand and turn spiky under his improvised helmet. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! It will rain blood tonight! Yaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Wheeeee, anima magic is fun!" Cerk exclaimed, flinging fireballs at everything that moved.

* * *

"Immigration to Ylisse has been increasing for the past five years straight. These people come into our country, get jobs, more often than not don't speak our language, and take generations to fully integrate. And yet I embrace them. Why? These people are our future. All of us were immigrants at some point. When they pitch in and do their part, they make us all richer, not poorer. Why should we bar them from enjoying, and contributing to, our prosperity? My heart is open to immigrants, and so must be our borders. Together we are stronger!" With a flourish, Chrom drew Falchion and waved it over his head to accentuate his last line.

"Wow, Chrom, that was quite a speech!" Sumia said, clapping. "But the question was, 'What is something you forgot once that you will likely never forget again?'."

"Oh, right...how to breathe."

"...oh. ...wait, what?"

* * *

"This is an outrage, commoner maggot! A flaming outrage!" Gangrel shouted. "Why, it's practically treason! I should have you put on a spit and roasted over open flames, with a nice succulent honey glaze on top, and then fed to my hunting dogs! Which you probably couldn't even distinguish from your august ruler!"

"Ah, a most excellent impression, sir," the head judge said, peering through half-moon glasses to a clipboard on which he was writing notes. "I'm prepared to bump you up to second place for that, I am."

"Second!? Only second!? I AM Gangrel! I am the King of Plegia! Me! Not all these impostors!" This claim was emphatically repeated by several of the men surrounding him, who all happened to be dressed and acting exactly like him.

"Well, of course, sir, I should hope so; this is, after all, the Sixth Annual King Gangrel Lookalike Contest."

"Aaargh, why you…" He began tearing up again. "I knew it… no one understands me! No one really knows me! I'm just a phony, like all these other phonies! Aaaaaouugh!" He broke down and sobbed into his hands.

"Weeping uncontrollably, sir? That is some most un-Gangrel-like behavior, there! Fourth place for you! Medalists, please go to the ticketing booth to pick up your—by the gods! What is the meaning of this!?" He ran up to the victors' podium, where a commotion was quickly escalating. "Ladies and gentlemen, this year's gold medalist has just been stabbed through the chest! Did anyone see the perpetrator!?"

"Man, I thought those judges would never decide." Kellam said, quickly fleeing the scene of the attack. "Mission accomplished...I hope."

* * *

 _Did Kellam kill the real King of Plegia? Will he choose the School of the Bear, or the Cat? What is the source of Donny's power over the laws of physics? Is Gangrel secretly a Gerudo? How did Dan and Vaike get up to that ledge, anyway? Will Chrom be Ylisse's first president? Is Maxavier Aurelius a Knight Who Says Ni? How did the contest winner out-Gangrel Gangrel? When does Frederick normally get up? Find out next chapter!_

 **Donny: ….'cow-whisperin''? Sorry, Dan, but there ain't no such thing. Ah think you've been had.**

 **Dan: Hey! Vaike is a wise teacher and fearless leader! He has real skill!**

 **Donny: Hah, nope, ah would know. Now, pig-whisperin', on the other hand…**

 **Gangrel: Aversa! I made a playlist to express how sad and lonely and misunderstood I feel! It's called "~~~Gothic Requiems of Emptiness and Despair~~~"!**

 **Aversa: That's...nice...milord. I have important business...over here.**

 **Gangrel: Sigh…**

 **Kellam: ...is that actually you? Come to papa!**

 **Lissa: Hey,** _ **Maxavier Aurelius**_ **, make me a sandwich! Hee-hee-hee!**

 **Ricken: Okay, okay, fine! Just keep it down, okay?**

 **Lissa: Okay...maybe…**

 **Sumia: Hey, Chrom, what would you do to reduce Ylisse's fiscal deficit?**

 **Chrom: Spend less.**

 **Sumia: Aw, pegasus plop, Verbose, interesting Chrom must be taking a break…**


	9. Attack of the Killer Training

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Ninth—"Attack of the Killer Training", or "Frederick's Great Mushroom-Hunt"

* * *

Chrom poked his head out of his tent, gasped, and began shivering. "Gods! Where are we!?"

"Hello and good morning, Captain!", Sumia (who just happened to be near the tent) said cheerfully, before tripping and getting a faceful of snow. "Ow...cold." She slowly began making facedown snow angels.

"Not now, Sumia. Dan! What's happened!? Where are we?"

Dan trudged up, wrapping his tactician's robes tightly around him. "Northern Ferox, of course!"

"But...how!? We were just on the Plegian border, about to return to Ylisstol to plan our counteroffensive against Gangrel!"

"Yes, and now we're here," Dan said patiently.

"How in the… We don't have time for this!"

"Sure we do, just like the Farfort. Gangrel will wait for us."

"I...guess…"

"Trust me; Most Esteemed future whatever knowledge."

"So what are we doing here?"

Dan glanced at his disguised player's guide. "Defending some merchants from brigands."

"I suppose that's a suitable job for the Shepherds… I'll go ready myself." Chrom left his tent, carefully stepping over the snow-angeling Sumia, and headed for the mess tent.

* * *

 _That Chrom can be so dense sometimes…_ Dan thought, leaving his tent to check on the other Shepherds. Taking a detour to avoid the outhouse tent after Vaike had done his business there (apparently he wasn't following his own sage advice on how to make your bowels smell like lavender), Dan froze. He heard the sound of snow packing, and a voice whispering, "Huh! Huh! Hah! Hah! Huh! Huh! Hah! Hah!"

Following the sound, Dan headed behind Miriel's tent, through some undergrowth, and found Sully, quietly jumping around a square she had marked out in the snow.

Sully froze— _is it me, or does she look...afraid?_ "Ahhh!" She quickly switched back to a whisper. "Uh, I mean, hey Dan, what's up?"

"Readying the troops for the second par—I mean, next battle. What are you doing, practicing your stealth to be like Kellam?"

Sully raised an eyebrow. "Who? ...but anyway, I'm actually sneaking in some footwork training. And keep your voice down!"

"Even though you fight on horseback?"

"Well yeah, of course! Gotta be ready to keep on kickin' ass even if my horse gets decapitated when I'm miles behind enemy lines, bleeding out, surrounded by Neverborn acolytes while the sky rains poisonous ichor and the ground turns to lava! ...and stuff like that."

Dan made a mental note of Sully's vividly terrifying imagination. "You're doing it so quietly...hey, I've been wondering. Why are the Shepherds always talking about 'sneaking in' training? Like, is there a reason you have to be so sneaky about training? Why not just...you know, do it?"

"Shh, quiet! You don't want to—"

Frederick strode into the woods toward them, muttering notes to himself. "Hm, no stray piles of snow over here… Excellent, excellent… Oh, good day Dan, Sully!" He politely bowed to each of them.

Sully froze, eyes wide. "Ahhhh! F-Frederick!"

Frederick regarded Sully and the trampled-down square of snow. "Sully, were you...training? On your own?"

"N-no! 'C-course not! Not me, no training going on here… Me, I'll just be on my way now, see you…" Sully began whistling loudly and walking away, but Frederick pursued her.

"No, these prints definitely look like the result of some grade-9-plus agility training! This is astounding!"

Sully panicked and began running away. "AAAAHHHHH! Dan, get outta here!"

Dan just stood there, thoroughly confused. "What!? Why are you so scared of Frederick?"

* * *

"Attention, Shepherds!" Frederick shouted back in the camp. People poked curious faces out from their tents, reluctant to face the morning cold. "I was doing my usual rounds this morning when I discovered something _unusual_...Sully here, training! On her own! Oh, yes!"

Everyone groaned deeply. "Aaaaaaaooooouugggghhh…"

"Sully!" Vaike yelled indignantly. "Why'd ya have to go and do that!?" Sully slumped over dejectedly, wanting to disappear.

Frederick was totally unfazed. "Groan all you want, but it warms my heart to see that _some_ of us (besides myself) still want to stay in top form! And you know what that means…" Everyone groaned even harder.

"That someone is going to tell me _what is going on!_?" Dan demanded.

* * *

Several hours later Dan, holding a large ceremonial fan, recited the refrain for the hundredth or so time, in unison with the other Shepherds/fan-bearers. "Blessed be the one who is prepared, yesterday, today, and tomorrow."

Frederick, wearing elaborate robes and a gilded headdress over his armor, stood in the center of the corridor of fans, presiding over a kneeling Sully. "For the swift defeat of our foes!" He took a baby step towards Sully, holding up a medal.

"Blessed be the one who is prepared, yesterday, today, and tomorrow."

"For the defense of truth, justice, and the Ylissean way!" He took another tiny step.

"Blessed be the one who is prepared, yesterday, today, and tomorrow."

"For the cultivation of the virtues of valor, honor, and prudence!" Another baby step.

"Blessed be the one who is prepared, yesterday, today, and tomorrow."

"For our ever-continuing aspiration to the image of the likeness of the Hero-King, Marth!" …

* * *

A few more hours later, well past noon, Sully couldn't escape the ending of the medallion ceremony fast enough; in contrast to earlier, she hobbled due to kneeling for several hours straight. "...and THAT is why we Shepherds have to sneak in training!"

"He wrote the whole festal liturgy himself," Chrom said wearily.

Sully groaned again. "I can't even remember my new title: 'Fleet-Footed Amazonian Battle-She-Bear of the…' I dunno."

"I know the feeling," Dan said, legs aching from standing so long.

"One more thing!" Frederick said, still in his robes as he made the day's announcements. "Everyone should be more like Sully! Let's all do ten thousand steps of footwork training, following her example! ...including Sully. You can never have too much training."

Everyone groaned, none more than Sully. "Oh, come on…"

* * *

A few _more_ hours later, everyone was collapsed on the snowy ground, unable to stand from the exhaustion of the agility training. (Everyone except Frederick, who was gingerly seated on his horse as he busily combed the tent walls for nits)

"I...I can't feel my legs…" Dan moaned.

"I'm not even sure I have legs…" Lissa said. "I think I lost them somewhere around number six thousand…"

"Even the Vaike...is not awesome enough for this…" Vaike said.

Stahl emerged from his tent, yawning prolongedly, sandwich in one hand. "Good morning, everyone...hey, what happened!?"

"Frederick caught Sully training," Sumia said. She was covered in bruises, scratches, and scuffs from falling hundreds upon hundreds of times during the training.

Stahl shivered, not merely because of the cold. "Oh man, that's rough! I sure am glad I slept through it! Well, I'm going to go eat some breakfast!" He skipped/danced off, his feet darting back and forth erratically, front-flipping over a barrel and finally hand springing into the tent.

"Hm…" Miriel said, holding her quill to her mouth; she had managed to exempt herself from the training on the premise that she should help observe everyone's level of fitness and effort. "He missed the training, yet seems just as newly agile as any of those who did not. Fascinating…"

"I believe you meant to say 'scintillating', my noble assistant," Cerk said, stroking his nonexistent beard while lying in an otherwise catatonic stupor.

"No, I most certainly meant 'fascinating', my esteemed apprentice."

"Your incomplete grasp of philology is why you are but my noble assistant, noble assistant," Cerk retorted.

"We shall see who is the noble assistant, my esteemed apprentice," Miriel said.

"We shall indeed, noble assistant; we shall indeed."

"Indeed."

"Indeed."

"Indubitably."

"Veritably."

"Would you all be quiet!?" Chrom said irritably. "I'm going to bed…" He tried to stand and retire to his tent, but was unable and began rolling through the snow.

"Ooh, Chrom, do you want to play in the snow? Wait for me!" Sumia said, rolling after him and wincing with each revolution. "Ow… Ow… Ow… Ow…"

* * *

The next morning, Dan moved some branches aside to expose the hidden cave where the Shepherds were stretching, drilling, and otherwise readying themselves for the still-pending battle. "AAAAHHH!" several of them screamed and flinched as he let light into the cave.

"Don't worry, he's color-coding the armory according to sharpness and alloy composition." Numerous sighs of relief. "But bandits are raiding the village, right on sched—uh, I mean, as expected. It's time!"

"Right!" Chrom said, springing up and drawing Falchion. "Shepherds! Move out!"

* * *

"Assorted units, listen up!" Dan said, briefing the Shepherds on the road to the snowy village. "Lissa, Ricken, and Donny will press towards the village to the northeast!"

Ricken grinned. "You can count on me, Tactician Dan!"

"Hee hee, with Maxavier Aurelius on our side, we can't fail!" Lissa giggled.

"Who?" Dan said.

"Aw, Lissa, I told you not to mention him… Please?"

"Well, I dunno, _maybe_ … If you stay on my good side..."

"Quiet, you. Stahl, Maribelle, and Vaike will, uh...also head towards the village to the northeast. Because I like subdividing things!"

"Pardon me, Most Esteemed Holy Archon," Miriel said, her glasses rendered opaque by the glare of the snow. "My esteemed apprentice Cerk and I were hoping to study Stahl's performance in this engagement. I had hoped we would be able to accompany him and observe his progress in some detail."

Cerk came up next to her, now inexplicably wearing glasses (which were also shining), stroking his "beard" furiously. "That is to say, my noble assistant Miriel and I are undertaking a scientific study of Stahl's skills and abilities, and we plan to take an in-depth inventory of his capabilities in this battle. ...for science."

"Uh...guys?" Stahl said uneasily. "Study? Inventory? What are you talking about?"

"Sure, if it's for science!" Dan said. "Let's make the group Maribelle, Stahl, Miriel, and Cerk, then."

"I have a bad feeling about this…" Stahl said. Miriel and Cerk quietly fought for control of a clipboard full of papers as they set off behind the first trio.

At that moment, Kellam jogged up, panting heavily. "Tactician Dan, I killed Gangrel! ...I think. … ...oh, right."

"Chrom and Sumia!" Dan continued obliviously.

Sumia snapped to a salute. "Yes, sir! What is the nature of our mission?"

Chrom was less enthusiastic. "Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, why do you continue to partner me with Sumia? As commander, I need to build ties with all of those under my command, which is hard to do when I never get to fight alongside most of them! Or at all!"

"Support, remember! You keep failing to build any!"

Sumia's eyes widened. "Chrom, do...do you mean you haven't enjoyed our chats? ...at all?"

"Nothing personal, Sumia."

"I want it to be personal…"

"Anyway, you two are in charge of finding a shop and restocking our supplies and weapons! The guide—er, book _still_ hasn't mentioned any so far, so I figure they must just be there somewhere in every chapt—uh, I mean, battle, waiting for us to find them. Hop and/or fly to it!"

Chrom just stared at him. "Dan, all due respect, but...shopping during a battle? Don't we have bigger things to worry about? Why didn't you stop at any of the shops in any of the towns we've been to?"

"Come now, everyone knows the best and only time to go shopping is during a heated battle. In El—the future, that's the only way to do it!"

"Well...if you say so…."

"You can count on me, commander!" Sumia said brightly. "Chrom, hop on and we'll search from the air!" Chrom sighed heavily and climbed onto Buttercup behind Sumia, carefully holding onto the saddle instead of her. Sumia grimaced and pulled the reins to send Buttercup into a climb.

"Dan, what about me?" Kellam said, still standing next to Dan.

Frederick rode up to Dan. "Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, am I to play no role in this battle, either?"

"Nope," Dan said.

"Milord, I must register my protest. Before you became our tactician, I was honored to fight at Prince Chrom's side in every engagement. But since you became our tactician, I have yet to see a battle."

"Huh, really? I thought Vaike would have had enough sense not to use prepromotes. I wonder about that guy... "

"What about Vaike? What are you talking about?"

"But Frederick, like I said, I'm keeping your very special, wonderful talents in reserve so I can, uh...deploy them at the opportune moment."

"I...see," Frederick said skeptically.

"But if you _really_ want something to do… Say, you want to be a Most Esteemed Whatever yourself, right?"

Frederick jumped at his mention of the title. "More than anything in the world, milord," he said fervently.

"Right, right. See, there is a certain mushroom which, if picked and eaten, improves your chances of becoming a Most Esteemed Whatever."

Frederick was now leaning forward on his saddle, speaking quickly, barely masking his eagerness. "What is it? How do I identify it? Where do I find it?"

"It's, uh...called _mycus myceondis_. It looks, um...brown, with red spots and a round cap atop a long stem. And, er...it's only found...growing on tree roots in caves by the sea."

"I will not return empty-handed!" Frederick shouted over his shoulder as his mount thundered off towards the nearest body of water. Dan congratulated himself as he watched the Great Knight ride off over the horizon. _Well...it's almost as good as killing him off._

* * *

"Hey, _Maxavier Aurelius_ , cast a spell to warm me up!" Lissa said. "Or I might just tell Chrom about you-know-what! Hee-hee-hee!"

"Aw, Lissa, come on…" Ricken groaned as he cast a spell to envelop her in faint, shimmering flames. "I'm already really embarrassed about it, without you bringing it up...can't we just forget about the whole thing?"

"Oh, I don't think I could ever forget such a _strong_ , _handsome_ , _powerful_ man," Maribelle said raptly, smirking at him. "In fact, I had a dream about him just last night, where he spirited me off to his enchanted castle… Ohh! So dashing!" She mock-swooned dramatically.

"Aaaaaoooouugh… Jiminy crickets, I wish I'd never tried to be older…at least with a disguise like that..."

"Heads up, ya'll!" Donny said as he speared an incoming myrmidon. As was the usual for all his kills, red energy crackled up the length of his spear, flowing from his victim into his muscles, which grew visibly. Donny threw his head back and laughed maniacally. "Heh heh heh heh...HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAH! Blood! Rainin' blooooood!" Lissa discreetly inched to the left to put Ricken in between her and Donny.

"Golly, Donny, creepy as that is and all...I sure wish I could get bigger and stronger after every victory!" Ricken said.

"Naw, power vampirism ain't that great… Ah really wish ah had your brains, and your schoolin'! Then ah could get a cushy job countin' them beans an' pushin' quills, 'stead of farmin'!"

"Uh, jobs like those aren't really that great…"

"DON'T SLOP ON MAH DREAM!"

"I know!" Lissa interrupted cheerily. "Maybe you should try switching roles! Ricken, you stab the bad guys, and Donny, you cast spells at them!"

"Uh, Lissa, I don't know if that's such a good idea…" Ricken said. "This is a pretty advanced tome, and this morning I…" He faltered and blushed. "Kind of...struggled for five minutes to get my blankets off me. Jeepers, that's humiliating to say out loud…"

"Oh, Maxavier Aurelius, _my hero_! Take me now!" Maribelle gushed.

"Aw, cut it out!"

"Nope, I'm the princess here and I say it's a good idea!" Lissa continued. "Switch stuff, you two!"

"Well...here goes," Donny said. He handed Ricken his lance and cooking-pot helmet, and took Ricken's Elwind tome and hat in return.

Maribelle applauded excitedly at the switch. "Why, Ricken! I'd say you look about three percent manlier already!"

"Dolloping dingalings, really!? Yippee! Let's go spear some brigands! Here I go!" Ricken charged off, spear outstretched. "Oh, right, pointy end first! Yaaaaahhh!"

Donny, meanwhile, stood staring at his book, trying to sound out a word. "Uh...Ricken? What does this say? And this? Heck...uh, could you help me read this whole page? Ah'm not too good with mah letters… ...Ricken?"

* * *

Meanwhile, ahead of the mismatched pair of youngsters, Miriel and Cerk stood silently, watching Stahl battle from behind thick glasses that appeared opaque due to reflecting the glare from the snow. (Cerk, not needing glasses, discreetly shoved them up on his nose so he could see what he was writing)

Stahl rode back up to them, wiping his lance on some tall grass. "...there, done! How's that inventory going?"

"Thirty-two point six seconds…" Cerk was muttering, writing notes. "Overall performance: fair…"

"Exactly what percentage of your maximal level of effort did you contribute in that engagement?" Miriel said brusquely.

"Hm, I wasn't really trying to measure...eighty, I guess?"

"Is that a precise figure? What is the 95% confidence interval of your measurement?"

"Uh...I'm not sure...look, guys, I'm getting pretty tired out there. Maybe you could help me fight instead of just standing there taking notes?"

"I'm sorry, Stahl, but no," Cerk said. "The data my noble assistant and I are gathering from your fighting performance could be pivotal to the success—the survival, even—of the Shepherds!"

"Indeed, my _esteemed apprentice_ ," Miriel corrected. "If proven, the theory I am developing could refashion the Shepherds into the world's preeminent fighting force! The work we are doing is far more important than the contributions of any frontline fighter, and your efforts allow us to study you in relative peace—RICKEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? STOP CORRUPTING OUR DATA!"

Ricken lay sprawled on his back, having been thrown off his feet by the wind created as the mercenary he'd been advancing on whipped around to face him. Stahl quickly swooped in to parry the followup attack. "Ow… ow… Gollies, being a man is harder than I thought…"

* * *

"Captain..., I mean, Chrom…" Sumia said, turning to face him as they soared through the frigid air. The hyperactive beat of her heart had little to do with how violently she was shivering.

"Yes, Sumia?" Chrom said, still carefully holding onto the saddle and avoiding physical contact with her.

Sumia turned back ahead, pretending to check Buttercup's heading. "There's, um...something I want to talk to about...actually, I've wanted to talk for a while now."

"You can tell me whatever's on your mind, Sumia."

"I know, Captain, and I really appreciate that, but it's just...where to begin… Chrom, how do you...feel about me?"

"You're an invaluable asset to the Shepherds, Sumia. Your high speed and mobility make you excellent as a scout and transporter, your resistance to magic gives you a great advantage against mages, and your way with the horses when—"

"No, no, sorry Ca-Chrom, I didn't mean as a Shepherd or a soldier, I meant...erm...as a woman."

"As a woman… Well, Sumia, to tell the truth… I love you."

Sumia's heart felt as if it was fighting its way out of her chest. She turned to him slowly, struggling to keep her breathing under control. "...you do? T-truly?"

Chrom smiled serenely at her with that warm, utterly dependable smile. "Of course I do. Since you first arrived at the fort and joined our number."

"Oh, Chrom, this is so...I can't believe it… We've felt the same way about each other all this time, and neither of us knew it! Wow… Any time these last few years, if either of us had just said something! Chrom, you make me so happy, and I know we'll be even happier together, just you wait!"

"Peace, Sumia. I've known how you feel all along."

Sumia stared. "You...you have? Then why didn't..."

"Yes, perfectly; it's all part of my duty as your leader. As commander of the Shepherds, it is my sworn duty to love and protect all the women under my command, just as I do my own sister. And I expect and sincerely thank you for your sisterly love in return, as proof and reward for a duty well fulfilled. I love you, Sumia, just as I love Maribelle, Miriel, and all the other women of the Shepherds—and the men, as well!"

"... … ..."

"Say, Sumia, asking as a brother, do you know if your old commander, Phila, is single?"

* * *

Dan strolled forward in Stahl's wake, still reading _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Falcon Knight_. "Hm...according to this, the merchant we're trying to save should be down there." He pulled out a spyglass and peered down the hill toward the village. Sure enough, he saw a young woman in a strange red-and-yellow outfit, dancing around with a sword as she cut down bandits approaching the village. "Wait...those clothes...she's a Trickster! And she's stealing all our kills!" He clenched his fists and inadvertently snapped the spyglass cleanly in half. "Oops. She must be stopped…"

"Isn't it a good thing that we have extra help, sir?" Kellam asked.

"Kellam! If you're there, get down there and kill that prepromote!"

"Well...okay, if you say so, sir," Kellam said, clanking off toward the village.

* * *

"Okay, maybe switching you guys wasn't such a good idea!" Lissa said, puffing her hair intimidatingly out to repel the ring of bandits advancing on her, Maribelle, Ricken, and Donny. Of the latter two, Ricken was slumped on the ground, with a broken half of his lance emerging from his chest, and Donny was lying unconscious, having hit himself on the head with his spell tome in an attempt to use it. There was no time to heal either with the bandits on top of them.

"What gave you that impression!? Do something, Lissa!" Maribelle said anxiously, holding her staff in front of her defensively.

"I'm trying! My hair won't foof any more than this!" And indeed, the bandits seemed increasingly confident and unfazed by the display making Lissa appear three times her normal size.

Seconds before the ring of blades closed to striking distance, a gleaming sword cut through two of their holders from behind, then gracefully flicked into an axe-wielder as they were turning to face their new challenger. Anna backflipped out of the way of a retaliatory chop, then whirled into two more of the bandits. "Looks like there's a big discount today...on _pain_!" she quipped as she hopped into a grossly misplaced archer sword-first, ending the battle.

"Wow, our hero!" Lissa exclaimed. She ignored or failed to hear Ricken's gasping from from below her saying, "Should have… been me…" Belatedly, she and Maribelle began healing the men.

"Not a problem at all; that rescue was on me!" Anna said cheerily. "Say, can I interest either of you lovely ladies in some great deals on—gaaaaaaaaahhhhk!" She gasped and coughed blood as a lance suddenly ran her through from behind. It was yanked out just as suddenly, and she slumped over lifelessly. "Point...nine...percent...offfff...eeeeuuugh…"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Lissa and Maribelle held on to each other in terror, looking around for the unseen attacker.

Meanwhile, Dan ran up. "YES! Take that you stupid pre—uh, er... " He noticed the terrified pair of healers. "Blast, I was too slow! It looks like the bandits got her in the end!"

A hulking man with a two-handed axe strapped to his back walked up to them, applauding slowly. "Oh, most _excellent_ , Vincent! I simply knew that invisible lancer mercenary was worth every copper of his fee!" Dan did a double take; the man (Victor, according to the player's guide) was talking to thin air.

"Wait, invisible what!?" Kellam cried. He began whirling around, feeling for enemies.

"Hey, who said that!?" came a disembodied voice from ten feet away.

"Come at me, punk!" Kellam said, blindly waving his lance in front of him watching the empty footprints in the snow get closer. After a few moments a loud _clang_ told him he'd connected with his opponent's weapon and he began circling, watching the footprints and looking for an opening. The enemy assassin seemed as unable to see Kellam as Kellam was to see him.

"EEEEEK! Ghost fight! Vaike was right!" Lissa cried, clutching Maribelle's side tightly.

Kellam saw the footprints run towards him and dove out of the way of the presumed spear thrust, then attempted to return the favor, but felt the spear glance off his foe's invisible armor. They circled each other for a while, neither one sure how to land a killing blow on an armored opponent they couldn't see. Then Kellam had an idea. "Lissa! Maribelle! Throw snowballs at him so I can see where he is!" The two healers simply continued trembling, giving no sign of having heard him. "Augh, this inconspicuous business gets annoying sometimes, I'll do it myself…"

He quickly bent down, took an armful of snow, and heaved it at a point above the other set of footprints. It crashed into the man, staggering him briefly and, more importantly, revealing his rough outline. Before he could return the favor, Kellam grabbed his lance and rammed it through the man's waist. "Eeeurgh...you are...1337…" he gasped; as he fell over into the snow, he flickered and became visible. Kellam took a bow, though no applause was forthcoming.

"Oh, drat!" Victor said to no one in particular. "Why did these hooligans have to come and ruin such a fine spot of pillaging!? The day is lost! Save yourself, Vincent!" He ran away from the village, flailing his arms like a crazy person.

Dan walked up to the Lissa, Maribelle, Ricken, and Donny, checking that they were all still in one piece. "...who's Vincent?" They all slowly shrugged.

* * *

With a loud _swish_ of wings, Sumia and Chrom landed nearby. Sumia looked utterly shattered, as if she had seen every horror that war had to offer and more; meanwhile Chrom was as determined as ever.

"Any luck, you two?" Dan asked.

Chrom shook his head. "None, Tactician Dan. As I said earlier, I don't see the point in looking for shops during a battle, not when there are shops in every town we visit… It's a waste of time and of manpower."

"Well then, I guess you'd better look harder! I expect better from you, Chrom, Sumia! Our supplies aren't going to replenish themselves!" At this, Sumia seemed to crumple and ran off, sobbing (and tripping) uncontrollably. "Wow...I was only going for a good chewing-out, not vituperative annihilation. What's with her?"

"I don't think it was your fault, Dan," Chrom said. "She's been looking unhappy ever since this strange conversation we had while flying. As her brother of sorts, I'd better go try to comfort her, while her tracks are fresh…" He ran off after her.

Lissa walked up to him. For some reason, Ricken was brushing her hair from behind, looking glum; she seemed not to notice. "Hey Dan, have you seen Frederick?"

"Oh, him...he retired. Decided he'd had enough of war, that it was time to settle down and live off the land. We'll probably never see him again. His family farm is on one of those islands that are really, uh...far away."

"Huh? That doesn't sound like him, and without even saying goodbye to me, or his liege or anyone? Oh well, can't blame him, and I guess that means no more pine needles and character! Come along, Maxy." Ricken groaned and followed her back to the tents.

 _...Maxy?_

* * *

Stahl, eating a carrot in one hand and a roll in the other, poked his head into the paper-filled tent where Miriel and Cerk both sat, furiously writing at small desks. "Hey, science people...what were the results from my inventory? Did I help you learn anything promising?"

Cerk stood to face him. "You did indeed, subject number eight. It seems—"

Miriel walked in front of him. "I'll take it from here, esteemed apprentice. Stahl, by comparing our intensive observations of your abilities without previous measurements of the other Shepherds, we have determined that in terms of fitness, agility, combat prowess, endurance, weight, school grades, physical attractiveness, intelligence, and everything else, you always occupy precisely the fiftieth percentile, to within the bounds of experimental error and rounding. The pattern is so exact and consistent as to be uncanny."

"Wait, what was that about my attractiveness—"

Cerk now stood in front of her. "What my noble assistant is trying to communicate, Stahl, is that in every measure of performance, you are the exact median."

"So...do you mean...I'm the perfectly average soldier?"

"No, Stahl, you are the perfectly median soldier. There _is_ a difference," Miriel said sharply.

"Huh, okay...hey, if I'm always the median of everyone anyway, does that mean I get to skip training from now on, just like how I absorbed that agility training in my sleep?"

Cerk stroked his imaginary beard deviously, his useless glasses somehow shining brilliantly in the dim tent. "Quite the contrary, my dear Stahl. You see, we've had an idea…"

Stahl shrank back from how they were looking at him. "Gulp… I'm not sure I like the sound of that…"

* * *

 _What do Cerk and Miriel have in store for Stahl? Who is whose assistant? Is Chrom more oblivious than a rock? Why do I enjoy torturing my characters so? Where does Ricken get his interjections? Have we seen the last of Frederick? How long until the Shepherds realize they can start training openly? Will any of these questions_ ever _get answered? Find out next chapter! I promise!_

 **Miriel: Esteemed apprentice, might I ask why you wear spectacles, given that you do not appear to suffer from myopia, hyperopia, presbyopia, or astigmatism?**

 **Cerk: Oh, that, noble assistant? It's just an old habit from when I...er, did.**

 **Miriel: Hm? May I inquire as to the cure for your optical irregularity, and how I might partake in it?**

 **Cerk: It's...well, complicated. I don't recommend it.**

 **Lissa: Hey, Maxavier Aurelius, fetch me my book!**

 **Ricken: Aw, gee willikers...coming, Lissa!**

 **Lissa: That's "your beautiful highness" to you, Maxy!**

 **Ricken: Sorry, your beautiful highness… Here's that book, your beautiful highness.**

 **Lissa: Thank you, Maxy! It sure is nice having such a helpful, obedient servant, isn't it?**

 **Maribelle: Quite, my dear. Especially one so** _ **incredibly**_ **tall, dashing, and mature, with** _ **so**_ **many titles…**

 **Ricken: Siiiigh… If you need anything else, I'll be moping in my tent.**

 **Lissa: ...do you think we should maybe stop teasing him?**

 **Maribelle: Perish the thought! If nothing else, it's his punishment for handing my heart over to a man who never existed!**

 **Chrom: Sumia, come back! Why won't you answer my question? It doesn't even have to do with you, it has to do with Phila!**

 **Sumia: Sob… Sniff… Sob… Oh, Chrom… I love you, but sometimes I hate you… Forgive me…**

 **Chrom: It's okay, Sumia. I kind of hate you too.**

 **Sumia: Let me guess, as part of your duties as our magnificent commander!? Waaaaaaaahh!**

 **Chrom: No, because your pegasus keeps relieving himself on my tent while I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm not sure whether the sound or the smell is more disturbing...**

 **Sumia: Sob...worst...day...ever...**


	10. Super Frederick Bros

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Tenth—"Super Frederick Bros.", or "Sumia and Dan, Matchbreakers"

* * *

Lissa strolled into a tree-lined courtyard of the Castle Ylisse, whistling a cheery tune and holding a multicolored lollipop the size of her head in each hand. "'Morning, Maribelle! Notice anything different about me?"

"Your...alternative understanding of the concept of 'breakfast'?" Maribelle said, raising an eyebrow as Lissa alternately licked each of her breakfast/desserts.

"Nope, this has pretty much been my usual with no Frederick around to tell me what to do! Come on, guess again! I'll give you a hint…" She began whistling another tune, while somehow simultaneously licking a lollipop.

"Is your tongue...longer?" Maribelle said, confused.

"Nope! Come on, silly! I'm _whistling!_ Until this morning, I couldn't whistle at all! But now, somehow, I'm a whistling pro!"

"Oh, of course...well, congratulations! Actually, that reminds me. My handwriting has always been top-notch, having been groomed by years at the Academy, but this morning, I was practically doing calligraphy in my diary! With my _left hand!_ Sometimes I surprise even myself…"

"Whoa, cool!"

"Mornin', y'all!" Donny said, walking in on them. "Are ya'll talkin' about suddenly bein' able to do stuff ya couldn't before? 'Cuz this mornin' ah was writin' in _mah_ diary, and readin' a bit of _Bloodthirsty Tales_ , when ah remembered ah can't read or write! It's a Hog Day miracle!"

"Wow, Donny!" Lissa exclaimed. "That's fantastic! You must be a really quick study!"

"Gee, thanks! Huh, it kinda reminds me of some promise ah made to someone or other...oh well, probably not important."

"Hah!" Vaike scoffed as he entered. "You think that's impressive? Check _this_ out!" He pulled out a Fire tome and recited: " _Ignis vis magnus!_ " At this, a fireball lofted from the book and detonated on a nearby tree; Maribelle quickly set to work putting it out. "Real magic! The Vaike really can do anything! Hey, Lissa, any idea why the magic words you taught me never did the trick?"

"Eh, um...you must have been pronouncing them wrong or something!" Lissa said. "I'd, uh, better help Maribelle with that fire!" She turned and walked off, whistling unsuspiciously.

"Buckin blueberries, I feel great this morning! Ready to take on the world!" Ricken exclaimed, walking in and staring for a bit at the smoking tree. "You know that old rhetorical question, 'what's the sound of one hand clapping'? Well, listen to _this_!" He started flapping his hand, clapping his fingers against his palm, excitedly looking for a reaction between Lissa's and Maribelle's faces. "Rhetorical no more, am I right?"

"That's...nice, 'Maxavier'," Maribelle said as if she didn't think it was nice at all.

"Yeah...nice," Lissa said noncommittally. "Oh, hey, look! I can do it too, holding a lollipop! Cool!"

"No way!" Vaike exclaimed, forgetting Ricken entirely. "Lemme try!"

Slumping in disappointment, Ricken turned and began to leave. "Whompin' willikers… I thought I had a gift..." An unseen Kellam picked up Ricken's hat from behind and walked off with it, snickering. "What!? Not you too, hat! I didn't mean those things I said! I'll train hard and become a real man! Come baaaack! Aw, fudge knuckles..." As he sank to his knees, Maribelle and Lissa doubled over in silent laughter.

"I'm feeling sneakier than usual today," Kellam said flatly to himself. "Hooray."

* * *

In a candlelit room deep beneath the castle, Stahl was furiously whistling a polyphonic tune, writing elegant script with his left hand, one-handed clapping with his right, and pedaling on an exercise rig with his feet. One end of the desk in front of him was already filled with a pile of solved puzzle cubes. "Miriel… Cerk…" he gasped between tunes. "I've been awake for thirty-six hours...when can I stop?"

The two mages stood impassively over both of his shoulders, still observing and taking periodic notes. "Another twelve hours, Stahl," Miriel said coldly. "Or another two thousand spells copied from _Advanced Pyro-Potentiomancy_ , whichever comes later."

"Aaaaaaaoough… I can't keep going much longer…"

"Yet your efforts are improving the endurance and dedication of at least half of the Shepherds, Stahl!" Cerk added. "Not to mention their ability to stealthily join into other peoples' conversations with the perfect timing, and their...atrocious handwriting. Isn't that a prize worth striving for?"

"I...guess...so tired… Why am I practicing clapping with one hand..."

* * *

"Hey, Lissa…" Sumia said, dusting herself off after tripping on her way in, "could I talk to you for a bit? In private?"

"Sure! That shouldn't be too hard…" They walked to a corner of the courtyard, unnoticed as everyone else uproariously watched RIcken chase his hat around in circles. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Erm...your brother."

"What!? How did you find out about Angus!? We keep him in the deepest dungeon at all times, and all his guards are deaf!"

"...what? ...er, no, I meant Chrom."

"Hee hee, just messing with you. So, do you need advice on how to finally confess your undying love for him?"

Sumia couldn't help but gape at how casually Lissa brought up what she thought was her deepest secret. "Well, yes… It's that obvious?"

"To everyone but Chrom! He's my favorite brother, but he's always been so dense...why, last year, Phila made a point of asking him to every ball and social event in the palace for _months_ and stayed on his arm the whole time, but he didn't catch on at all!"

Sumia felt her heart clench, then sighed with relief as Lissa finished. "Er, that's...probably for the best. But Lissa, what do I do? In our last battle, I tried to talk to him about how I feel, and I thought he reciprocated, but...it was all a dumb misunderstanding. How can he be so sweet and sensitive, yet so clueless?"

Lissa finished licking her lollipops and nodding sympathetically. "He's probably just distracted! Not by other women, but by all the pressures of being the prince and leader or the Shepherds. He feels responsible for defending Ylisse from her enemies, and for leading and inspiring her people. If anything happened to Em, he'd even become the new Exalt! I bet it's really stressful, especially since Frederick retired."

"So what should I do?"

"Be fun and spontaneous! Bring some joy and laughter into his day! Show him there's more to life than war and leadership, like seeing who can catch the most rain in their mouth, or baiting bees and stealing their hives for the honey!"

"So...be more like you?"

"Kinda, I guess! Except not his sister, of course."

"Okay, I'll try it! Thanks so much, Lissa. Say, I was hoping to ask _your_ sister as well. Could you help me get an audience with her?"

"Sure, let's...actually, I want to watch this." She was staring back at the others; Virion was following Sainzilla, insistently holding a measuring tape around his bicep, along with Lon'qu, who was walking on his hands. "Tell you what: I'll teach you my surefire trick for getting in to see Emmeryn anytime…"

* * *

"So, Gangrel has finally begun to act," Emmeryn said calmly, presiding over a map of the nation in her study. "Where is he invading?"

"Actually, your...Exaltedness, there is no invasion." Sumia admitted. "...as far as I know."

Emmeryn's eyes narrowed. "What? Then why did you report one? The pegasus knights are already being mobilized!"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk to you about Chrom!"

"...have you been taking Lissa's advice?"

"No...well, yes, about your brother!"

"My...brother. What about him?"

"About him and...me."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the connection. He, the leader of the Shepherds, and you, his loyal retainer?"

Sumia took a deep breath. "I am in love with your brother."

Emmeryn finally started smiling. "Really? Congratulations! I hadn't been aware at all… I'm happy for both of you, truly. Were you hoping to have the wedding at the palace?"

Sumia was increasingly reminded of Chrom's obliviousness. "No, no, I haven't told him yet! Or I've tried to, at least...that's what I wanted to talk about. Dan keeps putting us together in our battles, and I keep trying to strike up a conversation that will lead to something more, but Chrom…" She sighed deeply. "He just doesn't get it. He seems incapable of seeing me as anything more than a friend and ally."

"I see… Well, I'm afraid I must go and inform my commanders that we are not really being invaded by Plegia, but I will say this: if you want to get Chrom's attention, you must prove yourself worthy of it. Though he doesn't always act like it, Chrom is a prince, and you must become like a princess yourself if you are to be a fit match for him."

"Like a princess… What do you mean?"

"Practice being more dignified, more ladylike. I have no doubt Chrom is impressed by your skills as a pegasus knight, but it will take more than more combat prowess for him to see you as a potential wife. Now, I really must be off. I wish you the best of luck. And Sumia… Please, no more fake invasions. That goes double for Lissa. We cannot afford to be caught unprepared when Gangrel really does move against us." She swept past Sumia and out of the room, leaving her behind to collect her thoughts.

"So I just have to be fun and spontaneous...and dignified and ladylike. … ...aw, pegasus plop." This was going to be harder than she thought. She turned to leave Emmeryn's study and, after tripping and getting up, quite literally ran into Phila.

The captain of the pegasus knights had clearly come here in haste; she sprawled back against a wall, panting. "Ach-! Sorry, Sumia… Is Emmeryn…"

"Sorry, she's gone. But don't worry, there's no invasion!"

Phila relaxed, clutching her side. "Ah...I could have sworn...thank goodness… Say, Sumia, you're friends with Chrom, right?"

"... ...yes."

Phila's face was growing more flushed than it had been from running. "Do you happen to know if he's...seeing anyone at the moment? Romantically?"

"Oh, of course, how could he not be? He and...Maribelle are all but betrothed. But they're trying to keep it discreet, so not a word to anyone until they announce it!" She winked impishly.

Phila's face fell slightly. "Oh...I see. Well, it's better to know, I suppose… Keep up the good work, Sumia." She gave a polite nod and walked off.

* * *

Dan pretended to study the map of the Ylisse-Plegian border stretched out before him and Chrom while reading up on the next chapter in his player's guide. "Hm, if Gangrel were to strike here...he might be able to claim this town before we can reinforce it. If we deploy a light cavalry brigade here… Dan, what do you think? What do you remember about this battle?"

"Actually, Gangrel is first going to move on a smaller scale. Tonight, a team of assassins led by the sorcerer Validar will make an attempt on Emmeryn's life."

Chrom stared in surprise. "I...see. And I suppose you remember how to defend her, as well?"

"Of course."

"Good." Turning to leave, he continued, "I'll go alert the Shepherds and the palace garrison."

"Chrom." Turning on his heel, Chrom reversed direction. "Don't let anyone know we're expecting them. We'll need the element of surprise on our side."

"Right, a sound idea." He turned to leave again. "I'll form a plan for rallying a defense as soon as the alarm is raised."

"Oh, and Chrom." Sighing, Chrom turned around again.

"Yes, Dan?"

"Make sure to bring some candy from Lissa's stash. I know you know where it is."

"...what? Dan, this is no time for—"

"Just trust me."

"Okay, I'll do that on my way…" He turned to leave yet again, but suddenly tripped and sprawled onto his face. "Agh-! These gods-accursed small piles of dirt and debris! They're everywhere lately! Dan, I miss Frederick terribly. Are you sure he left no way for me to contact him when he retired?"

Dan had observed Chrom's puzzling affinity for miniscule tripping hazards, which had increased considerably with no Frederick the Wary to clear them out of his path. No one else seemed to notice them. "No, I'm sorry but he was very adamant about being done with war. Wanted to sever all ties to the outside world and stuff."

"What was the name of the island his family farm is on?"

"I don't recall."

"Blast, these small rocks are going to be the death of me! I'm starting to understand what it must be like for Sumia…"

As if on cue, Sumia ran in, tripped, faceplanted, and bounced to her feet next to Chrom.

"Hey there, Chrom! What say we unwind from difficult tactics with a fun, spontaneous bakery-and-candy-shop shopping spree in the old city? Followed by hours of tree-climbing and/or digging while on a massive, debilitating sugar rush?" She jarringly switched to a more refined accent. "And then, in the evening, we could go for a leisurely stroll in the gardens and retire to discuss the fragile state of our foreign relations with Plegia over tea and crumpets in the conservatory? I have the finest dress to wear for such an occasion…"

Chrom furrowed his brow with concern. "Sumia, are you...feeling alright?"

"Oh, I'm feeling better than alright! When I'm feeling down, I just eat a whole jar of cookies; works every time! ...and then clean my palate with a glass of Naga Valley champagne."

Chrom just stared at her, speechless, then gave up trying to understand. He returned to staring at the map, but then turned to Sumia and asked, "Say, Sumia, Phila being your commanding officer and all, I was wondering...has she...er, said anything about me?"

"Oh, not at all; in fact, last I heard, she was trying to decide between the affections of several young nobles! Sorry, captain."

"I see...pity, that. She seemed so eager to spend time with me during the winter socials a few years ago, and I wondered... Well, if there's nothing else, we still have much work to do, and we only just finished resetting everything in here to normal after that false invasion scare. What was that rumor about, anyway?"

"No i...er, I'm terribly sorry, but I haven't a clue."

"It was probably Lissa again...she's been getting brattier with no Frederick around to build her character."

"Well, I shall leave you to your work. If you want to find me, I shall be taking a stroll around the upper promenade, seeking inspiration for a painting...but ready for a late-night raid on the kitchen! Toodeloo!" She turned and attempted to walk away with as much dignity and poise and—what was that other word Maribelle was always throwing around?—as she could manage. She tripped again halfway to the door. "Ouch! Uh, I mean… good heavens!"

"She seemed...stranger than usual," Chrom said.

"Yeah," Dan agreed. "I thought she was into you, but after that display I'm not so sure…"

"Sumia, attracted to me?" Chrom scoffed. "That hardly seems likely. I would have noticed something by now; I'm a good judge of such matters of the heart. ...Dan, are you all right?"

Dan managed to lift himself out of his backbreaking throes of silent laughter to face Chrom. "I'm...fine. I'll have to put you two together again in the next cha—battle."

"You keep saying that, Dan...what exactly is a cha-battle?"

"Just a future word for battle. In the future, words are longer."

"Hm, that's...concerning. Well, I'm off to go, er...what was I about to do, again?"

"Raid Lissa's candy stash."

"Right."

* * *

On the way up to Lissa's stash (cunningly concealed in a false wall just off the kitchens), Chrom's heart gave a jolt as he saw Phila approaching him. On noticing him she quickly cast her eyes down to the corner of the hall; Chrom did likewise and they passed each other with only a shared, forlorn sigh.

Sumia, watching from behind a decorative shrubbery, nodded in approval of her handiwork.

* * *

"What are we doing out here, Dan?" Chrom said that evening. "With the attack on my sister in just minutes, I'd rather be at her side, not admiring the gardens. Lovely as they are this time of year," he added, sniffing an overhanging flower.

"We're meeting someone," Dan said. "Hey, can I borrow your sword for a minute?"

"Sure," Chrom said, a bit uneasily but handing Falchion over.

Dan turned and stabbed into the bushes, immediately eliciting a pained cry. He drew back and a bloodied, hooded figure slumped onto the path. He handed Falchion back to a stunned Chrom. "Assassin vanguard. Just saving a bit of time."

"Er...right." Chrom seemed none too comforted. "I hope that wasn't who we're meeting."

"Nope," Dan said. He switched to a louder voice to trigger Lucina's appearance: "So, Chrom, do you think Emmeryn would ever order King Gangrel killed?"

Chrom blinked in momentary confusion. "Er...no, I can't imagine. She represents the best of the halidom—the part most worth protecting. She IS peace. Men like Gangrel, men unlike her...they would take advantage of that. Perhaps I must be death's agent...perhaps, for the sake of peace, I will have to do what Emmeryn is too virtuous to do."

"Well said, sir," 'Marth' interjected, stepping onto the path.

"Marth...how did you get in here?"

"The cleft in the castle wall, behind the maple grove."

"There…? But how did you even know?"

"Because she's—" But Dan was cut off by a freak lightning bolt from a clear sky, vaporizing a nearby tree. "Augh…"

"Anyway, I've come here to warn you," Lucina told Chrom. "The exalt's life is in danger."

"Yeah, we know," Dan said. "We've mustered elite guard divisions from throughout Ylisse nearby for an 'Arms and Armaments convention', and we have a plan for scrambling them along with the entire guard at the first sign of trouble. Future knowledge." He tapped his forehead sagaciously.

"Er...that's good," Lucina said. "Chrom...what if I told you I'd seen the future too?"

"The future? Seen it? Have you lost your wits?"

"Is it really that hard to believe, if Dan has also seen it?"

"Sigh...that's different. I trust Dan with my life, which he has saved more times than I can count."

"Eight, actually."

"Er...right," Chrom said sheepishly. He occupied himself with doing sums on his fingers.

"Well, to prove it, I'm _also_ about to save your life. From...oh." Marth sheepishly turned back from looking at the pre-killed assassin.

"Yeah, she's from the future too," Dan confirmed. "Is this the part where you finally reveal you're a woman?" Dan asked.

Chrom was indignant. "Dan, these future claims are wild enough; stop it with the wild gender-swapping theorizing—"

"No...actually, he's right," Lucina said, removing her mask and shaking her hair loose.

"...oh," Chrom finally said. "Well, Dan, it seems I owe you an apology. ...how did I never notice that? In retrospect, it was kind of obvious."

"Darn right. And that's just half of it, she's also your—" He was interrupted yet again by a trumpet blast.

"The attack has begun! We have to hurry!" Lucina cried, dashing toward the castle, Chrom and Dan following close behind.

* * *

They raced through the halls, alerting all the guards they passed to prepare themselves. "Why are we even here?" One of the guards complained. "Two fake attack drills in one day? Do they think we have nothing better to do? … ...I guess we don't."

"No, men, this attack is real!" Chrom said. "Steel yourselves and be watchful!"

"Yes, Prince Chrom!" they answered with a salute.

They reached the other Shepherds, who were circled up just outside Emmeryn's room. Predictably, Virion immediately began flirting with Lucina, who seemed amused at first.

"Uh, Chrom, he really shouldn't be…"Dan said anxiously.

Chrom chuckled. "I say let him; she's a grown woman, and it may be a welcome break from the horrors of the future she left. She doesn't seem to mind." Dan cringed as if struck in the gut. "In fact, she is rather striking...her features are just my type. Perhaps I could speak with her further after tonight…" Missing Dan's appalled expression, Chrom turned to face the Shepherds. "As you know, the castle and the Exalt are under attack by Plegian assassins! It is the duty and honor of us all to def—"

He was cut off by a dark-magic nova that erupted in their midst, producing a burst of cold air that snuffed out most of the lights in the room. A tall, shadowy figure appeared as it cleared, his sneering face lit only by a shimmering purple orb hovering around him. He cackled much as Nergal had, sounding as though he'd had a lot of practice. "Ha ha ha! You are powerless to defend your pathetic exalt! You cannot stop us, any more than your feeble lights can hold back the dark of the onrushing night! Why, maybe I'll just kill all of you now!"

* * *

 _Dan turned Kent's lance aside with one sword and ran his horse through with the other, a maneuver that felt practically effortless. He jumped away from Matthew's knives and threw up a spell to deflect a fireball from Cerk. He stopped Dorcas' downward chop with both swords crossed, savoring the Warrior's wide-eyed shock at his newfound strength before severing tendons in both his wrists. With superhuman speed he grabbed Matthew's arm as the Thief struck again, then stabbed him in retaliation. He caught an arrow fired by Wil and returned it at Cerk before he could finish another spell, then fired a dark pulse from his outstretched palm to neutralize the archer. He grabbed Fiora's lance and brought the pommel of his right blade down hard on her head, producing a satisfying_ crack; _leaped clear over Hawkeye and chopped partway through his neck (he'd been meaning to kill that filthy prepromote off anyway); imprisoned a terrified Pent and Louise in a dark void; unhorsed Lowen with a flowing dark spell; and, for good measure, gave Nils a good kick when he happened to get underfoot._

 _He sneered at his former soldiers, the whole lot of them either too wounded or too terrified to resist him any further. The terror and pain on their faces, satisfying as it was, only strengthened his resolve to complete his revenge on them. "This is getting fun," he said with a smirk. "Maybe I'll just kill all of you now!_

* * *

"-happened to him! He just fainted!" Roused by a sharp pain in his head, Dan flicked his eyes open as he heard voices around him. "Oh! He's awake!"

"Uugh...what happened?" Dan asked. His body felt drained of all strength, but his mind was racing with questions. _That was weird...another vision, like during that battle with the Risen? It felt even more real than the last one, but killing members of my old party indiscriminately? That definitely never happened; I mean, I can't do dark magic and Cerk is alive right here! Right?_

"You dropped to the floor right as that sorcerer was threatening us!" Chrom said, kneeling over him.

"As if that wasn't scary enough already!" Lissa said next to Chrom, looking badly shaken.

"It took us a minute to notice in the dark... " Cerk said, examining Dan's head. "Sorry, Dan."

"No problem," Dan said, beginning to sit up. "Cerk, did I ever...never mind. So, uh, why didn't he just kill all of us now?"

"He said something about 'sending in the grunts first', laughed maniacally again, and then vanished," Chrom said.

"Er...okay. Anyway, tactics for this battle…" He shakily stood up to make his selections. "I choose Chrom, Sumia, Kellam, Vaike, Lissa, Miriel, Donny...Sainzilla, Cerk...hey, what?" The soldiers surrounding them part as a wretched-looking man rode into their midst on an equally wretched horse, straining under the weight of its emaciated rider and numerous bulging sacks. "Who let this guy into the castle?"

Suddenly Chrom started and went wide-eyed at the sight of him. "Gods...Frederick!? Sir Frederick the Wary! What are you doing here? What's happened to you!?"

"Frederick, you're back!" Lissa exclaimed. "Poor thing!"

Frederick struggled to raise his head to look at them; his eyes were sunken, his skin pale, his beard greying and scraggly. He spoke just above a whisper, "Found...mushrooms. Ate mushrooms...so many...fed to horse...took...as many as I could carry. Got...sick." He coughed a few ragged coughs as if to emphasize this. "Tried to return home...can't sleep...so cold… Seen horrible visions…" He leaned over the side of his horse and feebly dry-heaved a few times. "Three weeks...eaten nothing...but mushrooms... Three weeks… Am I a Most Esteemed...Holy…Ar..." He slumped back down and tipped off his horse; Lissa ran and knelt at his side. One of his distended saddlebags overflowed, spilling out some brown, red-spotted and long-stemmed mushrooms.

"He's delusional! Raving mad and obsessed with mushrooms!" Lissa said, horrified.

Dan struggled to summon a semblance of pity for the prepromote. "This is, er...perfectly normal when you eat _mycus_ whats-its-name. What you're feeling is just all your weakness and prepromote suckiness leaving your body." Dan realized this was a perfect chance. "Actually, Frederick, you will be the vanguard of our defense!" The Shepherds gasped. "Ride out and kill the sorcerer leading these assassins man-to-man, armed with nothing but…" He reached for the first thing he saw. "This fireplace poker! For such a feat, Emmeryn will make you a Most Esteemed whatever for sure!" He eased a barely-conscious Frederick back into his saddle, wiped a dribble of spit from his cheek, and placed the poker in his hand. "Godspeed, ride for death and all that!" He smacked Frederick's horse on the rump; it gave a feeble whinny and managed to trot off.

"Huh...that's a switch," Kellam said to no one.

Before the others could react to his sending Frederick, Dan assigned the rest of them. "Anyway, Chrom and Sumia, stand next to each other in Emmeryn's room!" Chrom sighed resignedly; Sumia didn't look as excited as in previous battles. "You'll build support and be the last line of defense in case anyone gets through. Lu—er, 'Marth' will guard the central doorway. Donny, Sainzilla, Cerk, go hold the western corridor; Miriel, Vaike, Lissa, to the east, using that super-secret passage Vaike knows to ambush the enemy." Vaike looked distinctly uneasy at this command. "Kellam, kill anyone you like and assist Marth. I'll stay around here and coordinate everyone from the center. Any questions?"

"Shucks, is Frederick gonna be okay?" Ricken said.

"Besides that."

"Is he gonna die?"

"That's the same question. Frederick will kill the sorcerer in command of the assassins and return in glory and all that. Shepherds, move!" The two triads charged off in opposite directions; Kellam slipped off south after Frederick, clanking loudly (yet drawing no attention); Chrom and Sumia shuffled morosely toward Emmeryn's chambers. "Actually, Chrom, I need to borrow you for a bit; head west with the others before meeting with Sumia."

Chrom immediately straightened up and looked cheerier. "Right!"

"Rawr," Panne said from across the hall. "I despise and distrust all man-spawn for destroying my warren and my people for sport."

"Sorry, Panne, no one likes you, don't steal any kills," Dan said over his shoulder as he ran off. The Taguel growled irritably after him.

* * *

"So, Vaike, a secret passage?" Lissa said, mock-impressed.

"Er...yeah, you bet!" Vaike said, slightly uncomfortably, as he felt his way along a wall. "Just gimme a sec...it's around here somewhere…"

"I observe a distinct seam on that wall, which appears to continue onto the floor a short distance," Miriel said, pointing to a wall down the hall. "And another one a step to the right. Could this be the passage?"

"No, it's here, I know it!"

"Okay, I bet you'll find it soon!" Lissa said cheerily.

"This section of wall appears to be part of a turntable apparatus," Miriel said, a little further down the hall, "and this defunct torch holder is in fact a disguised lever. Perhaps it operates the mechanism?"

"Nope, definitely this wall."

"This section of wall appears to be made of thin fabric, obviously concealing something," Miriel said as she poked at it. "Might I suggest we—"

"Zip it! ...a-HA!" Vaike triumphantly pulled a book halfway off a bookshelf and stood facing them until he realized nothing was happening. "...oh."

"Don't worry, Vaike!" Lissa said. "I grew up in this castle. I know some secrets we can use! ...sorry, Miriel, those are all false secret passages to fool intruders."

"Thanks, Lissa, you're the best!"

"Follow me, this way!" Lissa said, leading them down a staircase.

* * *

 _Frederick rode in search of the exalt who, when she found him, would surely convey the honor of Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum upon him after all the divine mushrooms he'd eaten. Bright sunlight shone triumphantly through every window; the palace guards, all dressed in silver-and-white dress regalia for this day of days, greeted him with stiff salutes as he passed by. Why was he riding his horse in the palace corridors? It must be one of the privileges that came with his new title. But where was the exalt? He felt a sharp pain on his shoulder as a congratulatory guard clapped him especially hard—_

—in a brief flash of lucidity he realized that these events were only mushroom-induced delusions, that he was trembling with the effort of simply staying on his horse, that a Plegian assassin had just stabbed him, that he was supposed to be hunting down and killing a sorcerer, and why was he armed only with a poker from a fireplace?, and—

 _Frederick's stallion rounded a corner; still no sign of the exalt. Where could she be? The place where the guard had clapped him still stung for some reason, but Frederick felt too swelled with pride to particularly care…_

* * *

"So, Emmeryn…" Sumia said to the exalt as they both sat in her audience chamber. "I tried following your advice with Chrom, about being more dignified and all that."

"Oh?" Emmeryn said, surprisingly calmly given the peril she was in. "And did it have any effect?"

"Well, I was kind of trying to follow Lissa's advice at the same time, and it felt kind of weird...I think I may have just ended up confusing him."

Emmeryn sighed. "I should have warned you against heeding my sister's advice, especially since Sir Frederick hasn't been teaching her manners recently. Well, you've been given the perfect opportunity to try again tonight. When my brother returns, I will help you talk to him."

"Oh, that would be great! Do you have any more tips on acting dignified?"

"If you are to have any chance, it must be more than a mere 'act', of course. Let's begin with your posture…"

 _Aha! Posture! That's the other word Maribelle is always using!_ "What's posture?" Emmeryn sighed again. "It's a good thing we have all night…"

* * *

"The kitchen?" Miriel said quizzically. "I don't detect any assassins nearby. Why have we come here?"

"Don't worry, the secret is right over here!" She went out through a swinging door, turned right, and reached for a hidden clasp to open a panel, revealing…

"...your mythical candy stash?" Vaike said, puzzled.

"Yep!" Lissa said excitedly. "I felt like another snack. And if either of you spill its location, I'll never heal you again!"

"Uh, that's not really the kind of secret we need right now…Lissa? Something wrong?"

Lissa's smile had been replaced by a blank stare. "...two honey clusters and one chocolate butterscotch missing. My stash... VIOLATED!" Her hair began to puff outward with rage. "I will find whoever is responsible and END THEM! RAAAAHHH!" Brandishing her Heal staff, she charged back towards the fray.

* * *

Dan made a point of carving out some time from directing companies of guards to speak with Lucina. "Uh…'Marth'-slash-Lucina?"

Lucina finished cutting down a spear-wielding assassin and turned to him, hefting Falchion over one shoulder. "Yes, Dan?"

"I...recommend you stay away from your father as much possible during your stay in this time."

"Why? To avoid revealing too much to him? It _is_ hard when I'm around him...I so wish I could be like a daughter to him, rather than a stranger. I...miss having a father."

"No, to, er...avoid a time paradox, that's why." He tapped his forehead again. "Most Esteemed future knowledge."

"I suppose that is roughly the advice I gave you earlier...I'll keep it in mind."

"Great; I'm sure that will be best...for everyone."

* * *

"Hm, why did Dan send me down this way…" Chrom said to himself; from this quiet corner of the castle, he could barely even hear the fighting. "Well, it beats more boredom with Sumia, I suppose. ...hm? I thought I just…" He rounded a corner just in time to observe a shadowy shape disappear around the next. "It's one of them! But he isn't headed anywhere near Emmeryn…" He quickened his pace toward the corner where the assassin had disappeared, then heard...a baby crying? "Strange…"

He turned the corner and followed the crying into a candlelit room where a red-haired youth was struggling with a child of one or two for control of a lollipop.

"Rrrgh...come on...this is harder than I thought it'd be…" Gaius was saying. Finally the baby's grip gave way and he held his drool-covered prize aloft for a moment. "Ah, sweet victory!" Sticking the treat into his own mouth, he turned and saw a speechless Chrom for the first time. "...what are you lookin' at?"

"Eeurgh..." Chrom cringed. "I mean, halt, knave! Are you with the assassins?"

"Uh, kinda. I'm a thief; I make a living breaking things, taking things, and all that. But never an assassin. I'd just as soon sit tonight out. Emmeryn's a sweet lady."

"Perhaps you'd be willing to join us, then? We need all the help we can get, and you may have information about the assassins that could prove useful. We'd be willing to pay you, as well."

Gaius thought for a moment. "Hm...any chance you could sweeten the deal?"

"With more gold, or…" Dan's strange order from earlier finally clicked. "Oh! You mean with...this?" He held out the candy from Lissa's stash.

"CANDY! Candycandycandy!" Gaius pounced on the candy and snatched it too quickly for Chrom to stop him. "Do you have more of these? Nevermind, I'll check." He started jumping around Chrom at a frenzied pace, patting him down for sweets.

"No, stop, that's all I have with me! I can ask Lissa for more. But probably, yes."

"In that case, you got yourself a deal!" Gaius held out his hand and Chrom shook it. He continued shaking for a while, then tried to draw away and found he couldn't; their hands were stuck together.

Chrom finally managed to rip his hand free. "But wash your hands first! That's disgusting…"

* * *

"RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Lissa charged up the stairs three at a time, her hair aggressively fluffed out to the size of a small horse. "Bandits! Candy thieves! Die!" Two assassins foolishly confronted her at the top of the stairs; she quickly decked them both with blows from her staff.

"My...such sudden vigor..." Miriel remarked, somehow taking careful notes while racing up stairs behind Lissa and panting with exhaustion. "I must...calculate the probability...that it derives...from Project Median's cardio...vascular training…"

"Uh...Lissa?" Vaike said from behind the cleric. "These guys probably have families and stuff...maybe save some for the rest of us? What I'm saying is, you're starting to scare me…"

* * *

"So, let me get this straight...you just walk around in those robes all day? No tripping? No complicated mechanism underneath to keep them away from your feet?"

"Amazingly, yes," Emmeryn said with a trace of sarcasm.

"I wouldn't survive that...part of why I love being a pegasus knight is no longer dresses to trip me up. Except these boots...I really need to get a new pair."

Finally Chrom returned, wiping his hands on his pants. "Ah! Good evening, Chrom!" Sumia exclaimed, suddenly straightening up. "How does the night find you?"

Chrom stared in bewilderment at her. "...we're still trying to protect my sister's life from assassins." Emmeryn, who had surreptitiously moved to stand behind Chrom, shook her head at Sumia's blunder.

"Ah, of course I knew that… Well, as long as the Exalt's, er...inner sanctum remains quiet, perhaps we could turn the conversation to more pleasant topics? Like how you so bravely distinguished yourself in the battle at Mount Tere?" Emmeryn nodded approvingly; Sumia remembered her advice: _light flattery is a good entry point into deeper conversation._

"I seem to recall I spent that entire battle conversing with you, just as we are doing now."

"Mmm, indeed...and how did you feel after the battle?"

"Honestly, I was rather bored and frustrated. I wish Dan would send me into more...er, active situations."

Sumia spotted Emmeryn motioning for her to change the subject. "Well, enough about that. Perhaps we could discuss the Pegasus Corps.?" Emmeryn shook her head. _Right, not personal enough….and it could lead to talking more about Phila._ "...I mean, your experience growing up as a middle child?" Emmeryn vetoed this as well. _Oh...maybe too personal._ "I mean… The history of your sword, Falchion?"

Chrom seemed to perk up at this. "Oh, that's quite an interesting subject! Incidentally, despite the name, Falchion is not in fact a falchion but a type of longsword, intermediate in size between a one- and two-handed sword. Now, most people think the Hero-King Marth was the first to bear the sword, but in reality the earliest records trace it back to his great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Tyrolius; that is, my great-great-great-great-great…"

Sumia noticed Emmeryn shaking her head vigorously. She had clearly fallen into a trap. "Excuse me...Chrom? Can we talk about something else? Chrom?"

But Chrom could not be stopped. "...great-great-great-great-great-great-great…" Emmeryn sighed resignedly, as did Sumia. She almost hoped an assassin would make it into the room just to break up the monotony. One miraculously did, ten minutes later, but Chrom drew Falchion and cut him down in one fluid motion without even pausing his retelling. _Pegasus plop_ , Sumia thought, slumping down into a padded chair. _It's going to be a long night..._

* * *

 _Cerk and Sainzilla fought back to back; the mage was a whirlwind of fiery death repulsing attackers from every side, while the troubadour quickly patched up any minor wounds he might sustain. During brief pauses in the waves of Plegian foes, they turned to gaze longingly into each others' eyes._

 _But then, an especially muscled swordsman flung himself directly at Sainzilla, his polished blade reflecting the dim candlelight as if throwing off sparks. He was too fast; there was only one thing for Cerk to do._

" _Sainzilla! Noooo!" He threw himself in front of the beautiful healer, sheathing the sword in his own chest, then letting loose a burst of fire to roast the man as he collapsed to the floor._

" _Cerk! Oh, Cerk!" Sainzilla knelt by him, healing staff forgotten for some reason. She tenderly cradled the mage's lolling head in her lap. "Please, don't leave me!"_

" _My love… What do I have to offer you dearer than my life?" Cerk said weakly, coughing up plenty of blood in his frequent pauses. "Now...Sainzilla…" Sainzilla gazed at him pleadingly, her eyes full of tears. "You must not prolong your mourning...you must stay strong for the others...for him." He turned to Lon'qu, who was suddenly standing there. "Noble Lon'qu...I ask...that you care for Sainzilla. Protect her...better than I could. Tend to...her needs, give her the desires of her heart."_

" _I swear I shall," Lon'qu said, hand over his heart. "Cerk, your tragic but inevitable death shall not have been in vain." Sainzilla gazed rapturously at him with those huge green eyes, as if all her love for Cerk had in that moment been transferred to him…_

Lon'qu smiled and laid back in the side room where he and the other non-combatant units were passing the time. He felt a little less anxious about the prospect of the two lovebirds being sent in to fight at each others' side again. _Yeah...that's probably happening right about now._

* * *

"Sainzilla, help Donny keep them off me while I zap them!" Cerk said as he flung another fireball. "This takes all the concentration I can muster!"

"Me? The healer?" Sainzilla said incredulously.

"The healer _who used to be a paladin_ ," Cerk reminded her in a low voice. "Now get to shielding!"

"Fine...but if I get hurt, you'll have to heal _me_!"

"Fair enough! Where are those soldiers Dan promised…"

"Come on, Plegian varmints!" Donny was shouting. "Who wants to be hog feed next!?" His old, improvised spear was looking comically small on him, as he was now bigger than Cerk. He no longer needed assistance killing enemies; he slammed the butt of his spear quarterstaff-style into the head of a dark-armored horseman, then drove the point through his armored chest so hard he flew out of the saddle.

"I worry about him…" Cerk said after the last assassin in this group had fallen. "He's only been a Shepherd for only three weeks, but he's already gained thirty pounds of muscle and grown three quarters of a span. Could be a pituitary issue."

"I certainly don't mind," Sainzilla said. "At this rate, he'll be the size of my horse within a year! Hold...I sense magic in the room ahead, Wait, is that... _Frederick!_ "

* * *

 _Frederick spurred his horse into the great hall; at the far end stood, at last, the exalt, holding a crown of golden laurels. She'd been waiting for him this whole time, always ready to place it on his head. Frederick smiled and trotted towards her, trying to fix this perfect moment in his memory for all time._

Validar frowned, scrutinizing the ragged horseman ambling down the entry stairs towards him. "What!? The Ylissean dogs somehow anticipate this night, and then they send this pathetic... _thing_ to stop me!?" He laughed deeply. "Truly, I'm insulted." He turned to a shorter hooded figure standing next to him. "He looks weak, wounded, possibly sick, and not even armed with a real weapon. This is the perfect chance to give your blade its first taste of human blood, boy."

"Yes...father," the hooded man said. He drew a jagged, curving sword from his robes and moved to meet the rider.

 _Chrom stepped toward Frederick from the exalt's side, holding Falchion in both hands. Of course, how could he have forgotten—he was to be accoladed on both shoulders with the holy sword of the royal family before being crowned. He dismounted and knelt before the prince in anticipation._

Validar could only stare as the rider slid off his horse and knelt in front of them, holding his fire iron vertically like a sword. "Your eminence...allow me...humbly accept this honor...only for good of all Ylisse…" he mumbled disjointedly.

"What is he...doing?" the hooded man said incredulously. "Was he even sent to stop us?"

"It matters not," Validar answered. "He is Ylissean; kill him."

"Yes," the man said, raising his sword to behead the rider cleanly. Slowly, slowly, very slowly…

"Frederick!" Sainzilla cried, riding towards the scene at a full gallop. "What are you doing!?"

"Enough dramatic effect, boy; do it!"

The hooded man brought his sword down; Frederick's head fell to the stone floor with a grisly _thud_. "13...of 21...HP…" it gasped.

"NOOOOO!" Sainzilla screamed, joined by Donny and Cerk behind her.

"You dastard!" Kellam cried, running Validar through with his lance. He collapsed even as the sorcerer did, huffing and puffing. "Curse this...slow armor...too late…"

Validar sank to his knees, dropping his spellbook and collapsing. "No...impossible...this was not...written..."

The hooded man knelt next to the sorcerer. "Father!? Father! Aaaaah…!" He disappeared in another dark flash (Enemy-Exclusive Unlimited Teleport Magic is truly the easiest way to travel)

"Frederick!" Sainzilla said, leaping off her horse alongside the fallen Great Knight. "Oh, thank gods, he still has 8 HP left!"

"Aitch...pee?" Donny asked. "Is that some fancy healin' word?"

"It means he can still be saved."

"You sure? His head's clean off! That usually kills chickens, anyway…"

"Well, Frederick is no chicken. Now hold his head on his neck while I patch him up."

"Sounds like the battle in the castle is winding down," Cerk said. "It's finally over… but who defeated that sorcerer?"

"Great to see you guys too," Kellam said sarcastically.

* * *

"...and his stepnephew, twice removed, turned out to become my great-uncle Lamberton's squire. Thus, when Prince Heinrich was briefly laid up with the rickets during the Battle of Gerson's Farm, he was honored with the chance to bear the sword for Lamberton. But this opportunity turned disastrous when Chohann, the great-great-great-great-great-great…"

Emmeryn and Sumia, who had been sleeping back-to-back, were finally awoken and saved from the tedium by a trumpet from the hall outside. "Zzz...huh? Whah?" Sumia mumbled.

"It sounds as though the battle is over," Emmeryn said, rising to her feet.

"A pity… I'll continue the tale later, then," Chrom said disappointedly as they both followed Emmeryn outside, where jubilant (and sleepy) guards and Shepherds were massing in the hall. "Oh, but one thing I forgot about Theodorus, archduke of Vermlian, who laid a claim to the sword after the third battle of…" Sumia barely suppressed the urge to flee; she would just trip anyway.

Emmeryn quickly left the two to address Dan. "It seems your defense was entirely successful," she said, bowing slightly. "Now you have truly _earned_ the title of Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum," she added with an impish wink that made her strongly resemble her sister.

Lissa, on the other hand, was feeling far from impish. "Wait a minute, that smell...honey and butterscotch!" She turned and saw Gaius tentatively joining them, lollipop sticking out his mouth and candies spilling from his pockets. " _YOU!_ " Her hair aggressively sprang out as she lunged at the thief.

Gaius' eyes went wide at the sight of the irate cleric. "Me? What the he—gaahk!" His cries were extinguished by her hands closing around his windpipe.

"Cough it up! All of it! No one steals from Lissa's stash and lives!"

"Lissa, stop!" Chrom said, prying Gaius away from her. Sumia, following behind, smiled gratefully at Lissa for saving her sanity. "I took...er, borrowed those candies from your stash, in order to recruit Gaius here."

Lissa immediately reverted from angry wolverine to teenage girl. "Aw, Chro-ooom...why did it have to be _my_ stash?"

"Because Emmeryn wouldn't let me use _her_ candy stash," he replied sarcastically.

"Aw...wait, does she really have a candy stash? Emm?"

Gaius immediately perked up and looked at them. "More candy?"

But they were interrupted by the shouts of a cluster of guards carrying one of their number on their shoulders. "All hail the hero of the east gate!"

Dan did a double take ."Wait, that's… Eliwood?"

"Hello, Dan!" the red-haired Lord said cheerily as the guards let him down.

"Let me guess, you woke up in a field too?"

"Actually, it was more like a grassland. Then I found my way here and joined the royal guard, which I supposed was the next best thing to being a lord. I heard of you when you were made Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum, but I couldn't find you before you left the city. I'd been awaiting word of your return..."

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be in a new land, surrounded by new faces. I have finally begun to forget her…" Dan recalled how Eliwood had been frozen in a catatonic state of despair for several days after Ninian's abrupt departure through the Dragon's Gate—they'd had to carry him most of the way back to the ship. He had been moping over her ever since, until Dan found himself in Ylisse.

Sainzilla turned and noticed Eliwood's violently red hair; she was glad for an excuse to get away from Lon'qu, who seemed strangely dejected considering that they had soundly won the battle. "Eliwood? Cerk, look who it is!"

"Cerk! Sainzilla! It's good to see both of you as well. Have you met any of our other...friends?"

"No one else," Dan answered. "Especially Marcus.

"Why do you keep saying 'especially not Marcus'?" Cerk inquired. "How can you 'especially' not meet someone?"

Dan ignored him. "So, what did you do at the east gate?"

"One of the guards was injured with an arrow to the knee, so I Rescued him and carried him and his horse back to the garrison. For some reason, it greatly impressed the others."

"Carrying a man and his horse while running at full speed is considered impressive here?"

"I know, I didn't get it either."

"Strange indeed.." Sainzilla said. "In Bern I rescued Fiora and her pegasus and carried them both on my horse all the way to the tent, and _I_ didn't get any special recognition. She even slapped me afterward, of all the nerve! It was a war horse and not a pony back then, but still."

"But when I returned," Eliwood continued," they seemed to think I was some kind of mighty hero, and it inspired them to fight all the harder!"

"You may be no mighty hero, but you'll do," Dan said. "Welcome to the Shepherds!"

* * *

"Going so soon?" Chrom's voice stopped the escaping 'Marth' in her tracks.

"My mission here is complete," she said. "History has been rewritten; the exalt lives."

"Surely there is some way we can repay you for saving our lives. Riches, a country estate, the title of Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum?" He hoped the dark would keep her from seeing the color blooming in his cheeks. "Perhaps...perhaps you and I might even—"

Dan arrived just in time to clamp a hand over Chrom's mouth. "That's quite enough from you! Quick, L—'Marth', now's your chance!" In an instant the time traveler was gone; in another instant Chrom had freed his tongue.

"Dan-!" he almost shouted. "What's gotten into you? Are you the reason she seemed to be avoiding me earlier, as well? All these attempts to sabotage us, trying to put me together with Sumia of all people… I could almost believe you want our friend 'Marth' for yourself!"

"...yes. That's totally why I'm trying to keep you from her, and not because she's your—" He was interrupted by the castle bell deafeningly striking the second night watch. "We have got to turn that thing down after hours…"

* * *

Later that night (don't these people ever sleep!?), Dan let himself into Cerk's tent, set up in the middle of the ballroom. "Cerk."

"Yes, Dan?" the mage-turned-other-mage asked.

"Did I ever… It sounds so crazy to ask, but did I ever attack Lyndis' Legion with twin swords and dark magic, and then laugh and say 'Maybe I'll just kill you now' like that sorcerer did? When I fell unconscious I had a...vision of some kind, of me doing that." Cerk's stunned face, like that of a man who had just realized he'd been struck by a ballista bolt, gave him an immediate answer. "What...but how…?"

Cerk hastily corrected himself. "No, of course not...but I suspect that these visions may be scenes from the future. A possible future, anyway."

"You do realize I was lying about being from the future, right?"

"Yes, but even so…"

"And the first vision I had was of me and Lucius and Denning, kneeling around Nergal...in the bath. There's no way that's a vision of the future, right? I mean, Denning and Nergal are both dead…"

"How...interesting," Cerk said, his face deathly pale. "Perhaps they were just dreams, with no meaning… I would suggest you pay them no heed."

"They felt so real, though, as if they could be memories…"

"Did Nergal strike you as the bubble bath type?"

"Heh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Cerk. I must be off; I have some more not-sleeping to do." And he slipped back out of the tent.

Cerk massaged his temples with worry. "And I as well…"

* * *

 _Will Dan recall his wild days as an evil Morph? Will he be able to keep Chrom from horrifying accidental incest? What is Robin up to in this version of events? Will Frederick_ ever _become a Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum? How many synonyms for 'field' will the Elibean units come up with? Will Sumia ever break into the fortress of obliviousness that is Chrom's heart? Find out (or not) next chapter!_

 **Miriel: Esteemed apprentice… pant… Might I suggest… that we intensify Subject Alpha's endurance training? I am finding myself...huff...thoroughly enervated from enacting the logistics of our previous altercation.**

 **Cerk: I'm afraid it's a median, noble assistant; you must be in the lower half. I feel just fine!**

 **Phila: Lady Maribelle! My compliments on your fine choice of man. I am...happy for you, truly.**

 **Maribelle: Of man...what!? Do you think it's funny!? LISSA! Who else have you told about him!?**

 **Phila: They seem to have an...interesting relationship. I'd better not bring it up again...**

 **Chrom: The way she handled Falchion, defending me against that dead assassin… Lovely as a flower, yet hard as tempered steel... I suppose I'm fascinated by her. Would that she had stayed...**

 **Dan: And for both of your sakes, I'm glad she's gone!**

 **Chrom: How can you say that, Dan!?**

 **Dan: Because she's your—**

 **Sainzilla: Dan, what were you thinking, sending Frederick against the leader of the assassins in his current state!? He was** _ **beheaded!**_ **He almost died!**

 **Dan: But he didn't, did he? That's why he's on the fast track to becoming a Most Esteemed Whatever.**

 **Sainzilla: Ugh...you had better not pull anything like that again. He's utterly dedicated to this outfit, and I don't see why you're so hard on him.**

 **Lon'qu: Hm… Maybe Cerk isn't the one I need to be worrying about, after all…**

 **Kellam: Hey, Dan, there was someone else with the sorcerer, calling him "Father". Does that sound significant to you?**

 **Dan: If you're asking me to stop using him as the spearhead of our offensive strategy, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed.**

 **Kellam: ...why do I even bother.**

 **I apologize for the long delay on this chapter; in the past year I got a new job, bought a house, focused on other writing, and generally got extremely sidetracked. I hope to have the next chapter out sooner; I hope this one was almost worth the wait!**


	11. Excursion

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Eleventh—"Excursion", or "Vaike Inverted", or "In Which it Rains Men and Women"

* * *

Dan began to rouse from his slumber as he realized someone else was in his tent. Lying spread-eagled on his mat, as was his usual sleeping custom wherever space permitted, he blinked and tried to summon some words.

"Huh...buh...who's...who's there?"

"It's me, Dan," said a voice.

"But...I'm Dan."

"Sorry, I meant it's me, Cerk, addressing you, Dan."

"Oh...hey, Cerk. What are you doing in my tent?"

"I've come...to inform you that you snore."

"Do not!"

"I'm afraid you do. Quite loudly, at that. And so I've come to ask you to stop. To force you, actually. In fact…" Cerk gulped nervously. Dan stared at him blankly, which was easy given how drowsy he still was. "This is your last stand, snorer!"

* * *

 _Dan materialized in the hills outside Badon Port, along with Denning and an evil, floating Lucius, to confront Lyndis' Legion. Lyn immediately drew her sword and charged at them, crying "Battle stations!" Dan smirked at his former companions' shock at his sudden appearance and the pathetic defense they were putting up. As much as he'd hoped to catch them off-guard and decimate them, this would be infinitely more enjoyable._

 _As Denning let an arrow loose, Dan stepped forward, drew his pitch-black swords, and effortlessly entered into a deadly dance with the plainswoman, already plotting her imminent death six moves ahead. His rage at her, fanned by hundreds of sleep-deprived nights, fueled his onslaught. "This is your last stand, snorer!"_

* * *

"Dan? Dan, can you hear me?" Cerk was saying. Dan opened his eyes and remembered where he was. At least his head didn't hurt from falling this time, since he'd had the vision while still lying in bed.

Dan opened his eyes. "I...had another vision just now."

Cerk seemed surprised. "Really? Do you remember what you saw this time?"

"I was serving Nergal and fighting you guys again...this time on a hill outside Badon Port. If these are just dreams, why are they all so similar? And why do they feel so...real? ...Cerk? You okay?"

Cerk instantly wiped the terrified look from his face and practiced Erk's familiar, nonchalant scowl. "Er...probably no reason. Maybe you don't remember your other, unrelated dreams...I mean, visions. Please excuse me." He swept out of the tent, leaving Dan to wonder what the visions meant.

* * *

 _Well, that was odd_ , Dan thought as he exited his tent ten minutes later. _What is Cerk up to? And why do I keep having visions of being Nergal's servant? Visions that seem so real...they could almost be memories? It almost seems like Cerk is hiding something from me… Something he doesn't want me to know, something horrifying and life-altering, the very knowing of which would ineluctably transform my destiny forever... Sniff, sniff... Mmmm, Donny's making bacon again!_ He darted off toward the mess tent, immediately forgetting his worries.

"Good morning, Dan," Chrom greeted him in the (long) line for breakfast. A little brusquely; he was still sore about Dan sabotaging his chances with his "true love 'Marth'" back in Ylisstol. "Could you remind me again why we're a few hours' march from the western border post, instead of taking the exalt to safety in the eastern palace? Or returning to Ferox to ask for additional soldiers?"

It was handy how Chrom became so forgetful whenever it was time for plot exposition. Time to fill him in. "Fleeing east is just what Plegia expects us to do. If we had, they'd have ambushed us with wyvern riders before we reached the palace, while simultaneously overrunning yonder border post and marching straight for Ylisstol, where they'd have captured the exalt. Instead, Emmeryn is secretly staying in Ylisstol and sending a decoy east. A heavily armed decoy. Those wyvern troops will have quite the surprise when they try to ambush the 'exalt'..."

* * *

"A little longer, men...almost there," Vasto whispered, peering over the ridge at the Ylissean procession below. "Their guard is minimal...the exalt is among them...they don't suspect a thing. Sh, keep those wyverns quiet! … ...alright, they're all out on the ledge. Mount up!" The riders all leapt onto their wyverns and, with a yell, tore over the ridge and down the mountainside toward the hapless Ylisseans. "Bring me the exalt's head! ...preferably still attached to her body!"

 _Strange_ … Vasto thought. Despite having only a few fighting men among them, they seemed remarkably collected upon noticing the field of black wings descending on them. _Wait...what's this!?_ The attendants started pulling fancy bows out of cloaks, luggage, or saddlebags. "No! It's a trap!" The 'exalt' straightened up, pulled a silver longbow from her robes, and loosed an already-nocked arrow directly at his mount. His head was filled with confusion as he plummeted, then with rock and dirt...

As soon as the arrow was loose, Galacteon readied another and brought down a second wyvern. By the time he'd nocked his third arrow, the skies were already clear, the handiwork of his trained band of sharpshooters. He lowered his bow, tossed his Emmeryn-like golden curls back, and laughed merrily. Dressed in a spare set of the exalt's robes, he was almost her exact duplicate, no wig required—except for the unparalleled marksmanship, of course. "That was almost disappointing. Fine work, men. When that pompous oaf Virion hears of this, he'll know who is truly the archest of archers!"

* * *

"But what if Ylisstol is attacked in our absence?" Frederick said with exasperation, holding his tray and sweeping the ground ahead of Chrom in line. He was back to his usual self, with no memory of the weeks he'd spent mushroom-hunting (or, indeed, the days following his return) and, except for a sore neck, none the worse for wear after his decapitation.

"The attack is coming through this border post, where we'll intercept it with the aid of the Feroxi troops I already requested. They should be waiting for us there."

Chrom smiled at this news. "Well, you seem to have thought of everything as always. We are all deeply indebted to your future knowledge. But...why did you have that poor hierarch thrown into the dungeon?"

"Be _cause_ , he's secretly a Plegian spy! Clearly you haven't been paying attention at the briefings."

"It's just so hard to believe...he's been a friend of House Ylisse for most of my life. He used to sit me on his knee and read me stories…"

"Well, I'm afraid Most Esteemed future knowledge doesn't lie. It's all necessary to keep the exalt safe."

* * *

At another table, Cerk sat down next to Eliwood and motioned for Sainzilla to join them. She got up from her usual spot at meals, between Lon'qu and Virion; Cerk was puzzled as to why she spent so much time with those two. _Why is Lon'qu looking at me like that? No time to worry about it—this is important._

"What is it, Cerk?" Sainzilla asked as she sat down. She was glad that this confidential conversation gave her an excuse to be away from her two suitors, but worried by the concern on Cerk's face.

"It's Dan," Cerk said quietly. "He's been...remembering episodes from his time as an evil Morph, in the form of visions, triggered by hearing the words he spoke during that time. He doesn't yet realize that they really happened, but he certainly suspects something."

"Elimine…" Sainzilla said, turning pale. "If he realizes the visions are true memories, it could shatter his sanity."

"Or he might resume his old vendetta against us," Eliwood said, trembling. "He's probably still angry about the time I missed that general with my rapier…"

"So we're agreed that we must keep Dan from regaining these memories, by any means necessary," Cerk said, to which the other Elibeans nodded. "But just in case he does remember...let's be extra nice to him."

"Right," Eliwood and Sainzilla said.

* * *

"...when Emmeryn and Father couldn't make it to my rehearsal, I was about to cry, but then he stood up in the back and applauded me, and then everyone joined in! It...meant a lot."

"That's...nice," Dan said. "Welp, I'm done, time for important future tactician business." Chrom had been regaling him with childhood stories of the poor hierarch for the last half hour, and now he eagerly seized the chance to leave.

On his way out he almost bumped into Cerk, who was smiling cheerily. "Good morning, tactician Dan! May I take your plate?"

Dan couldn't help but stare at Cerk; his idiotic grin was strange enough for Canas, but was almost terrifying on Erk's face. "Uh...I...guess." He handed the dish over and turned to hurry away—and ran into Eliwood, who seemed similarly cheerful. "Hello, wonderful and wise Dan! How does the day greet you?"

Now Dan was feeling afraid. "Uh...fine, I suppose." He began inching away.

"May I wipe your mouth off?"

"No, I can do it my...hey, no don't-!" Dan almost ran out of the tent, where Sainzilla was waiting for him, looking as eager as the other two Elibeans. "Hail, handsome Dan! I've refilled your inkwells, organized your charts, and—"

"What is with you people today!?" Dan said, rushing past her to shut himself in his tent.

"...do you think we overdid it?" Eliwood asked, walking up.

"No…" Cerk said fearfully. "If anything, we underdid it."

"Is that even a word?" Eliwood said.

"It is now. Everyone come back with another action idea for getting on Dan's good side at lunch."

"Right!"

A familiar voice stopped Sainzilla. "Wait, O beauteous one!" It was Virion...leading a horse? "My affections for you overflow today! Behold, I give you this pony as yet another proof of the truth in my heart!"

Sainzilla just stared at him. "...I already have a pony."

"Well…" Virion attempted, "now you have a pony from me?" Sainzilla sighed and continued on to her tent. "So cruel..so ungrateful…" he continued saying theatrically. _If he were half as persistent on the battlefield, he would be our finest fighter._

* * *

Meanwhile, Lon'qu tried a different tactic. "Cerk," he said to the retreating mage.

"Yes, Lon'qu?"

Lon'qu straightened up and went into the speech he'd been rehearsing. "First of all, know that I deeply respect you as a friend and an ally. But know also that we are rivals, competing in the arena of love for the fair Sainzilla's heart. And in this tournament, as in the ones I used to compete in back home, I shall not fail. I will show myself the better man, and...is something funny?"

But Cerk was already doubling over in hearty laughter. "Ba-ha-ha-ha! You thought...you thought we were competing… ha-ha-ha-ha! 'The arena of love'! Ha-ha-ha!"

Lon'qu suppressed the urge to draw his sword on Cerk and stormed away. _He thinks my love for her is a laughing matter, does he!? He thinks I'm not even worthy to be his rival… I'll show him!_

* * *

Sainzilla lay in her tent, trying to ignore Virion as he slipped the dozen _dozen_ red roses he'd somehow procured for her under its walls one by one.

"One hundred, my love! That's one hundred reasons and counting for you to come out of there and illumine my heart with a smile! One hundred one… One hundred two..."

"What are we up to here, Virion?" came Sully's voice. "I suppose all those roses just fell off the back of a wagon?"

"Ah—yes, in a matter of speaking!" came his panicked reply. "I was just trying to break through the sweet Sainzilla's facade of indiff—ow! My ear! No, please—aaaaaaahhhhI shall return for you, turtle dove!" His sweet somethings faded as he was presumably dragged away.

 _Ah, much better…_ "Sainzilla?" Sumia's voice now. "Do you need someone to talk to?"

"No, I'm good!"

"Oh, okay...er, are there more roses in your tent? Can I have them? For a...project, that is."

"No, please go away!"

"Okay...see you!"

Sainzilla groaned. She wished yet again she'd refused Dan and remained a village healer in Ferox, rather than get tangled up in another one of these adventures with another bunch of young, attractive, interestingly-dressed people. Then she got an idea. Rising from her bed, she peeked outside the tent door to make sure the coast was clear, then saddled her pony and began following the fresh hoofprints.

* * *

Fifteen minutes' ride from the camp, Sully trained in solitude, safe from Frederick's watchful eye. She rode her horse at a brisk canter, weaving through the trees and shearing off branches with her lance as she passed.

"Hail, Sully!"

"Aaaaah! Fred—" Instantly, she realized she had been greeted by a woman's voice and stopped panicking. It was that red-haired healer who was always hanging around with Dan and the purple mage. "Oh, hey. Uh...what was your name again?"

"It's Sainzilla. So… … Can we hang out?"

"Why would a sugar puff like you wanna hang out with me?" She spat off to the side. "I'm not one for tea parties, princess."

"Neither am I, actually. It's because of Virion and Lon'qu. You already seem to be Virion's designated handler, and Lon'qu is totally terrified of you."

Sully winked knowingly. "Ahh, I get it. Say no more, Sully will keep those two off your back!"

"Thanks a bunch. Also...you should lean forward in your saddle more; it helps you put more power in your thrusts. And make sure you're bracing both feet hard in your stirrups."

"Huh, I guess I could try that. Hey, wait, how do you know anything about lance combat, pixie girl?"

"I used to be...er, best friends with a red-armored cavalier like yourself."

"Huh, the things you learn...okay, here I go!"

* * *

That afternoon, they sighted the border post on a ridge, overlooking the river that marked the border between Ylisse and Plegia.

"We're there!" Chrom exclaimed. "And it doesn't appear to have been burnt and pillaged by Gangrel and his armies yet! And I see the Feroxi flag flying over to the north; our reinforcements made it!"

"I think that would make us the reinforcements here," Dan commented. "I just hope it will be enough…"

Chrom didn't fail to note the worry in his voice. "Dan? You okay?"

"I'm...fine," Dan said, though in truth his stomach was getting queasy. "It's just that this cha—battle isn't covered in my book at all. Anything could happen."

Chrom stared at his book. "In _Mad Tales of a Bloodthirsty Pegasus Knight_? Why would it be? They're all works of fiction, thank the gods..."

"Uh...no reason." He brushed Eliwood aside for the fifth time. "I'm also tense because my future buddies won't leave me alone! No, Eliwood, I _still_ don't need my boots shined!"

"But magnificent Dan, I was going to sing for—"

"Out! Away!" The onetime Lord slumped off disappointedly. "Much better. Let's meet up with Phila and learn the situation."

But Phila soon swooped down on her pegasus to greet them. "Good afternoon, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of All Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!" She deeply bowed to Dan, then gave a hint of a nod at Chrom, trying to pay him as little attention as was polite. "...Captain."

 _You'd think she'd be happier to see her prince,_ Dan thought. "How is the border looking, Lieutenant?"

"No sign of any Plegians yet, sir. It's been quiet since I got here. We have two patrols in the air at any given time, watching for movement in the west. The rest of the unit is occupied with drills and sparring to stay ready for anything."

"Very good, Lieutenant. You seem to be leading a fine unit."

"Thank you, Most Esteemed one. We strive to make the Exalt proud. I'm proud to say we boast the finest flier in all Ylisse: she received perfect marks on her pegasus anatomy and handling tests, has a record time on the mountain flight course, and is undefeated on the battlefield and against her wing-sisters. Actually," she reluctantly added, "she has been keen to meet you, Captain… Ah, here comes her patrol now!" She waved at a pair of pegasus knights passing overhead.

Suddenly a panicked scream came from atop one of the pegasi. "ACK! C-Chrom!" A red-haired knight fell from her mount into the mercifully soft bushes. "Cordelia!?" Phila cried, running over to her.

Then the other, blue-haired knight similarly panicked and fell. "AAAHHH! DAN!"

Virion sprinted ahead of the rest of the Shepherds, holding up his arms and exclaiming, "It's raining women! My prayers have been answered at last! Surely one of them will fall—" He was cut off by one of the recently-vacated pegasi landing on him. "Cruel...fate..."

The blue-haired knight rose to her feet. "Oh...hello, Dan!" Fiora said. "Sorry to scare you all like that...force of habit."

"Hello Fiora, what did you wake up in?"

"In a clearing, of course. I had no idea where I was, and worse, I couldn't find my pegasus! But then, while I was searching for a town, I spotted some pegasi flying overhead, signaled them, and asked to join on the spot. They took me to this post, where I've been serving ever since."

"Do you two know each other?" Chrom asked.

"Yes, she's another future buddy." Dan explained. "I'll explain later," he mouthed to a very confused Fiora.

Meanwhile, Phila was helping Cordelia make her way to greet the Shepherds. "I-I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I don't know what came over me...sudden muscle spasm, I guess."

"Of course, Cordelia; you are the last knight I'd expect to just fall off her pegasus! I trust it won't happen again."

"Of course not, com—ACK!" She froze rigid upon turning to see Chrom looking at her, then tipped over and sprawled onto the ground.

"Cordelia!?" Phila said. "I'm sorry, Captain, Cordelia is normally our best knight, but it seems she's not feeling well today!"

"That is unfortunate," Chrom said. He turned to Cordelia, who was being helped back to her feet, still groggy. "I'm sorry for your condition at this critical moment, Cordelia. I hope we can be introduced more fully in the future." At this, Cordelia fainted again, slumping over against her pegasus. "...Cordelia?"

"Whatever she has, it seems serious…" Dan said. "Take her to the infirmary."

* * *

"So, you're finally awake," a kind male voice said. Cordelia turned on her pillow and gasped to see the prince staring down at her, his impossibly handsome face cast in shades of gold by a sunbeam, his hair falling just so over his deep blue eyes… He blessedly interrupted her reverie by continuing to speak. "How are you feeling?"

"...better, Captain," she finally managed to say. She _could_ talk to him! "I'm terribly sorry for making such a fool of myself earlier… You must think I'm useless, and I feel it myself…"

"No," he stopped her. "Everyone has been telling me of your exploits as a pegasus knight. Sumia wishes she could be even half as coordinated as you. Phila plans to put you in command of the whole unit soon, and even to make you her successor. Even Emmeryn has remarked on what an invaluable asset you are to Ylisse."

Cordelia felt her cheeks burn at the praise. "Why, Captain...thank you…" she stammered. "I do try. In truth...I trained so hard in the hope...that you might take interest in me."

"Well, I have," Chrom said. "I've been eager to meet you, the living legend. I hope that you will recover soon and be the spearhead of our defense against Gangrel."

Now Cordelia was beginning to feel lightheaded. "Why, thank you, Captain. I'm honored...and I swear I shall!"

"Please, call me Chrom. There is...one other thing." Now _he_ was beginning to flush. "When I was young...a fortune teller told me I would one day marry the finest pegasus knight in the land."

This wasn't happening. This was too good to be true. "... …"

"Ever since, I've wondered what she would be like. Right-handed or left-handed, beautiful or gorgeous, a cat or a dog person... But now, having finally met you, all my worries have vanished." He knelt next to the bed and produced a ring. "Cordelia...would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"Oh, Chrom, I've wanted nothing more since I first laid eyes upon you!" He took her hand, slid the ring onto it, and pulled her from the bed. Suddenly she was dressed in a white gown, and they shared a slow, tender wedding dance. Then their seven children crowded around them, and Chrom and Cordelia lifted them all up in a big group hug. Then Emmeryn was gone and Chrom was the exalt, she his queen ruling justly alongside him, still raptly admiring his now-bearded face. If only she could continue looking upon those eyes, forever…

"Cordelia?"

Cordelia opened her eyes, still drowsy. It was Irena, another knight from her wing. "Huh...wh-what? What year is it?"

"Gods, you're worse than we feared…" Irena said. "I came to let you know that the Plegian banner has just been sighted. If you're in any condition to do so, Phila asks that you mount up now."

"Oh...all right," Cordelia said, climbing out of bed. What had she been dreaming about, again?

* * *

Cerk whistled in amazement as he looked at the incoming Plegian forces through a spyglass. "There's Gangrel right at the head...he really seems to have brought the cavalry! Literally! There are sizable divisions breaking off left and right to flank us...they look quite heavily armored."

Poring over a map of the area, Dan slid markers around on it to show the movements his assistant tactician was narrating. (Apparently Cerk had helped fill in for Dan during the time he'd been dead, and was now quite a competent strategist) He addressed a knight standing at attention. "Adele, give the Feroxi orders to protect our flanks, pikes forward, and get their riders into position. And keep those reconnaissance patrols flying overhead to keep us ahead of any surprises Gangrel has in store!" She nodded and leapt onto her pegasus. "Cerk, what do you see left in Gangrel's central force?"

"Mostly swordsmen and pikemen...also cavalry and archers, plus a few mages. And some mounted troops with these weird spiky crystals on their shoulders, and helmets with oddly-shaped sideways crests, carrying these sparkling, short, pike-like weapons and riding backwards on gigantic horses. Any idea who they are?"

Dan shook his head, wishing for the umpeenth time that this battle was covered in his player's guide. "I guess we'll have to find out. Anyway, let's pick people for this battle. I assume Chrom, Phila, Cordelia, and Fiora are all already included, so let's add Vaike, Kellam, Lisssss…" As he tried to point at Lissa, his arm slowed to a stop. "Oh, come on! Only two!? How am I supposed to stand Sumia and Chrom next to each other for the entire battle!?" He supposed this was what he got for blatantly disregarding the chapter flow in the guide.

"I wouldn't worry too much about that," Chrom said wearily.

"I-I'll stand next to Chrom for the entire battle!" Cordelia eagerly volunteered.

Dan was surprised at the pegasus knight's quick recovery; maybe she really was as talented as they said. She was even more beautiful in person than in his guide, so much so that Dan was reluctant to try to pair her with Chrom. Still, nothing much had been happening between him and Sumia… "Sure, let's try that."

"Yesss!"

"Right, whatever. Vaike, be awesome!"

"The Vaike will not let you down!" Vaike said, flexing and giving his axe some practice swings.

"Kellam, try and kill Gangrel again!"

"I thought I already did…"

"Phila and Fiora, provide air support!"

"Who's Kellam?" they asked in unison.

"He's...er...I forgot what he looks like, just support Vaike."

* * *

Gangrel stopped his horse to stare up at the border post, then did a double take and pulled out a spyglass. "They're sending...one man? Aouuugh, even the Ylissean dogs don't care about me!" he moped.

"Milord, this is excellent news!" Aversa said wearily. Playing the ray of sunshine to Gangrel's moody night did not come naturally to her. "We'll crush him easily!"

"Auuuugh, I'm so alooone!" Gangrel moaned. "Well, if they care so little as to send only one man, so do I! Brammo!" He turned to a lieutenant standing nearby. "Go duel that man!"

"My liege, we have over five thousand troops at the ready to lay waste to their band… I really must protest…"

"GO!" Gangrel screamed. Boras ran out toward Vaike, screaming and brandishing his saber theatrically.

* * *

"So that's how it is?" Vaike said, hefting his axe over his shoulder. He turned and shouted to the circling pegasus knights. "No help needed, ladies; just watch the master at work!" The Plegian officer came at him with a wide, telegraphed strike which he easily dodged and met with a punch to the face to soften him up. His opponent recovered and transparently feinted at Vaike's legs, then pivoted upwards to stab at his chest. Vaike caught the blade in his gauntleted left hand, smirked at the man's wide-eyed reaction, and half-severed his head at the neck with a casual flick of his axe. "That was too easy…" It was obvious the man had spent much more time giving orders than practicing his swordsmanship. "What else you got, Gangrel!?" he shouted down the hillside.

Gangrel gave an order, and a pompous-looking officer came out to duel him. "Time for round two. Grab your popcorn now!"

* * *

Borrowing Cerk's field glass, Dan observed the unfolding of the "battle" below. A single-file line of men ran straight at Vaike, to be variously gashed, lacerated, shattered, or dismembered with swift efficiency. "Well...I guess that works. Vaike should be fine; I have total faith in him." He nodded with satisfaction as Vaike threw his hand axe like a boomerang to sever an arm. "Oooh!" He watched as Vaike did an elaborate series of backflips and somersaults, ending with rolling through a lieutenant's legs while simultaneously tossing his axe over the man's head, then catching it and beheading him from behind in one fluid motion. "Ahhh!" he exclaimed, thoroughly impressed.

"Vaike is still full of surprises! ...Cerk?" Looking over his shoulder, his _de facto_ assistant tactician had vanished. "Strange…" He shifted the glass to look the Feroxi reinforcements, which had shattered the Plegian cavalry charges and were converging on Vaike. He motioned for another pegasus knight messenger. "Tell the Feroxi contingents to hold behind Vaike. This is _way_ too much fun to watch."

* * *

"Good news, Stahl!" Cerk said, leaning through the tent door. "Vaike is in the fifty percent who picked up River Dolphin Fells Tree With Proud Eagle!"

Stahl attempted to rejoice from his stretcher, lifting his bandaged arms slightly. "Yaaayyyy…"

* * *

"Phila has told me some amazing things about you. She says you earned your first Silver Feather at the age of nineteen, a record; that you can fly as silently as an owl; that you always remain calm and confident no matter the odds; that even Plegian archers run at the sight of you! So I must say, I was impressed before I even met you. How do you do it? At the end of the day, do you leave any time for you? ...say, are you still feeling all right? You seem to be trembling..."

"Aaa-aaahh… C-can it be… C-chrom is t-talking to me? T-truly? Oh, what heavenly bliss is mine today! That that magnificent man should grace us with the mere sight of him, still more the melodious sound of his voice… My soul is aflame with pure ecstasy! Gods, grant me your favor as I dare to address the great and handsome Chrom! Grant me your very words, that I might express to him even a fraction of the rapturity which he so effortlessly ignites in my breast!"

"I'm...sorry?"

"AACK! D-did I just say all that out loud? Gods, this is mortifying… What do I do, what do I do… Play it cool, Cordelia, think, just like you practiced with the dolls..."

"Cordelia, are you feeling alright? It's just as I told Dan—it was a mistake for you to take part in this battle so soon after being bedridden. Perhaps playing with these 'dolls' would help to soothe your frayed nerves a bit."

"Aaahh, I said th-that out loud too! Come on, Cordelia, this is your big chance with Chrom and you're blowing it! Get it together...what to say…"

"I'm starting to get the feeling that both of us are just talking to you here…"

"Bwaaah! Can't...think… Too...gorgeous… I can't take it anymore! AAAAHHHHHH!" She leapt onto her pegasus and zoomed down toward the Plegian force.

Chrom stared blankly as she zoomed across the battlefield. "Well, that was...certainly not what I was expecting from her."

* * *

Cerk turned from his field glass back to Dan. "At this rate, we'll soon be able to use the pile of bodies Vaike is creating as a defensive bulwark to cover our troops' advance. Wait, what was that...a flying blur of red...it's Cordelia! She seems to have gone berserk!"

"Defying orders?" Dan said. "Surprising, given her reputation… I hope she at least made some progress on the Chrom front."

Cerk continued to watch, impressed, as she singlehandedly laid into the idle Plegian troops like a raging cyclone of feathers and steel. "She's...she's a one-woman army, superior even to Vaike! And, not to be outdone, there he runs to join her, with Fiora and Phila flanking and Chrom trying to catch up…"

"Pff, no one is better than Vaike," Dan scoffed. "Wait...those weird mounted shock trooper guys! They're on the move!"

"Don't worry, O handsome tactician, I'm sure your superior intellect and teeth will win the day!" Sainzilla said, grinning idiotically again. Dan turned to stare at her. "...I mean, we can do this?"

"Just in case...tell the Feroxi to advance," he told another pegasus knight. "Sorry, Vaike."

* * *

"Hey, what gives?" Vaike shouted at the pegasus knights as they swooped past him into the Plegian lines, soon to be followed by fur-clad Feroxi pikemen and archers. "I totally had this! There were only, like, four and a half thousand of them left!" He trailed to a stop, forgotten in the rush. "Come on! If only I could fly in real life, and not just in my head…" He closed his eyes and a smile slowly spread across his face. "Mmm...up high...flapping high above the clouds...hi there, condor...yum, a chicken!"

* * *

Cordelia dove down toward the Plegian ranks, feeling more than seeing Phila and Fiora at her sides, like they'd practiced. Each picked her target, then in one smooth motion rammed him through with the full force of her pegasus' momentum and then separated and swooped back up, out of the range of retaliation. _Gods_ , Cordelia thought, _let my actions on the battlefield say to Chrom all that I could not_ … After another attack pass, she saw some strange cavalry approaching. _Wait, are they riding...backwards?_

Then she was engulfed in waves of blinding, flashing, iridescent light, accompanied by a buzzing screech that sent shivers down her spine and a sudden, eerie chill. Her stomach turned over, then she lost all sensation.

When she came back to her senses, she felt was in free fall. She started in panic, then wondered how she had been falling for so long without hitting the ground. She opened her eyes and stared at the Plegian soldiers falling, helplessly flailing, all around her.

And then looked up, at the rapidly receding battlefield, and gasped. _What!?_ She pulled out of the fall and spurred her pegasus into a climb...back toward the ground?

She had fallen at least half a mile; making that distance up would be a challenge. Looking up, she saw two other pegasi high "above" her; Phila and Fiora seemed to have recovered sooner than she. Looking "down", she shivered at the sight of numerous dots vanishing into the infinite blue sky. Without her pegasus, she'd have been one of them. She stroked his neck appreciatively. This was going to be a long climb.

* * *

Dan slowly lowered the spyglass from his eye, suddenly numb at the sight of hundreds of Plegian and Feroxi soldiers plummeting _upward_. "What...the...fish?"

"Those rods they carry seem to invert gravity..." Cerk said, seemingly unperturbed as he kept studying the battlefield. "I've never seen any magic like it, even in the Gespenst Codex! If we could capture one, my assistant and I could spend weeks examining it…"

"They must ride backwards so their mounts aren't startled by the bright flashes," Frederick commented. "Tactician Dan, I must protest my idleness as so many of our men die and my lord rushes into battle! Please, send me at them!"

"No, Frederick, don't—" But while struggling to calm his agitated mount, Frederick strayed too close to the battle, exceeded the unit limit, and immediately doubled over, violently ill.

"Serves you right, prepromote," Dan said under his breath. But he could almost wish Frederick was allowed to help. In truth, he was completely out of ideas; of the ways he'd expected this uncharted battle to play out, none of them involved anything like gravity-inverting shock cavalry. He supposed this was what he got for blatantly going off the script of his player's guide. _At least most of the Shepherds out there are fliers...in theory, at least, they should still be able to fight upside down. Right?_

* * *

Cordelia's pegasus was panting heavily at the exertion of the nonstop climbing, but she was finally drawing close to the battlefield once more. Phila and Fiora were already back at ground level, weaving between gravity-blasts and targeting those firing them. Their pace seemed to have slowed as the two armies closed ranks—maybe they were trying to be more careful about hitting their own men.

Getting close now, she angled toward the nearest of the bizarre riders and began to climb towards him but suddenly noticed a heroic, white-caped figure charging, brandishing a sword. Her heart stuttered and she almost dropped her lance. _Chrom!_ He closed the last of the distance and ran the horseman through, but almost immediately another sickly-colored blast went off. Chrom, the dead-or-dying rider, his horse, and the rod he'd been wielding all plummeted up and away from the battlefield. Reflexively, Cordelia spurred her pegasus into a steep dive.

* * *

Bentley was rudely awakened by a metallic _wham_ to the back of his helmet. "Bentley! Eyes forward!"

"Huh...uh...okay, whatever…"

"Pay attention, solder! You are the laziest excuse for a mook I've ever had the burden of commanding! The Ylissean scum could be overrunning our lines and you'd still just be standing there, eyes glazed, slackjawed!" A gauntleted hand reached and closed his mouth for him.

"Sure, if you say so, cap…"

"I swear, the men they give me these days… No respect, no backbone… If only King Gangrel knew…"

Bentley started at the sight of an armed, armored stranger striding through their ranks, right in front of him. He sat up from the grain sack he'd been reclining against and pointed. "Whoah! Intruder, sir!"

Captain Stutz glanced where he'd pointed, scoffed, and turned back to him. "Nice try, soldier, but raising false alarms won't win you any brownie points with me!"

"No, for real, cap! He's right there! He's winding up his lance to strike! He's—gaaaaak!" Unable to speak for all the blood he was coughing, he slumped back down and helplessly watched the unnoticeable man run off.

"You see? Too lazy to even keep your blood'n'guts inside you! Back when I was a recruit, I tell you, kids these days, hrrrghmrmm…"

* * *

"That was close...how did he even see me?" Kellam said. "Huh, those flags over there...it must be Gangrel!" He continued plodding through the mostly-oblivious Plegian ranks and quickly came into sight of the mad king's pavilion. "Hopefully just one Gangrel this time…" He carefully stepped between the ceremonial guards surrounding his portable throne. The king was leaning back, a dour expression on his face, looking bored. It was now or never. He took aim, wound up, and thrust his Steel Lance straight through Gangrel's neck—

"Ow! 19 of my 35 HP! Who did that!?"

His guards snapped to attention and closed in. "Assassin! Protect the king!" Kellam, minus his lance, attempted to slip through them, only to get sandwiched between two guards who quickly grabbed him, looking confused about just who or what they were holding.

"Hey! There's someone here!" One of them said. "...I think!"

A man holding a quill pen and stack of paper—some kind of scribe?—approached Kellam and stared through his spectacles at Kellam. "It's...it's some kind of phantom man! I can only just make out the barest outline of him!"

"Uh-oh…" Kellam said, beginning to sweat.

"Maybe _he_ saw who stabbed the king!"

"Phew… Now, how to get out of this…"

* * *

The air was getting cold around her, the sounds of battle long since faded, when Cordelia finally caught up to the falling Chrom and gravity rod. She had to choose—the man of her dreams, or what might be her only hope at walking on solid ground again? It wasn't even close. She pushed away from her pegasus and drifted over to lock arms with Chrom.

"What are you doing!?" Chrom shouted above the rushing air. "Get the rod!"

"It's too late! I will join you in the sky for eternity! We shall people the moon and rule it together as king and queen of the astral realms! Our love will shine like the stars and last twice as long! Come with me, and let us fly up to the heavenly paradise promised in our early days!" The tears of joy Cordelia wept at the very thought of this glorious vision ran "up" her face and streamed behind her.

"What are you talking about!? 'People the moon'!? Here, I'll—" He unceremoniously pushed off from her toward the gravity rod, grabbed it, fumbled with it for a few seconds, then engulfed them both in another brilliant flash. Everything flipped over again. The icy wind rushing past them slowed, then picked up in the opposite direction.

* * *

As Fiora brought her new pegasus around for another pass at the remaining Plegian forces, another pegasus knight pulled up alongside her—which one was it? It was surprisingly hard to recognize faces upside down.

"New orders from command," the knight said. "Capture as many of the gravity-inverting rods as you can!"

"Already on it!" Fiora nodded and began climbing back towards the nearest of the crystal-clad horsemen. The panoramic sight of a battle unfolding _above_ her was surreal; she tried to ignore it and focus on her target, who was conveniently distancing himself from any supporting Plegian forces, perhaps to avoid hitting them with his magic. She came in from the side and, with a yell, pulled her pegasus to a halt right "below" him as she grabbed the rod with one hand. They briefly struggled for control of it, another flash—

And she fell to the blessed ground next to her pegasus. Standing and brushing herself off, she looked around to see that her opponent was gone, mount and all. She looked up just in time to see two irregularly-shaped dots vanishing into a cloud. "It's time to even the odds," she said as she climbed back onto her pegasus. She paused, listening for a response. "Oh, right... For future reference, I like to converse with my mount. My old one back in Elibe was quite chatty. ...I guess you're more the silent type."

* * *

Right side up again and each armed with a gravity rod, Fiora and Phila set to work. They circled around the tightening battle, high enough to avoid being inverted again, scanning for concentrations of black-clad soldiers and plunging them into the sky. The Plegian reserves were rapidly being depleted, and the sight renewed the morale of the defenders, who by now were making a special effort to close on and eliminate the shock cavalry. In the distance to the west, they saw Gangrel's retinue and personal guard already in retreat, a quiet declaration of surrender. They had successfully held the border.

As the cries of 'victory!' were still ringing out, on the way back to the border post, Phila landed under a small tree, from which Vaike was hanging upside down, white with fright. "What...is going...on…" he gasped, trembling.

"It's alright," Phila said. "I just shake this, and…" The garish light flashed around Vaike and he fell to the ground, which he immediately began kissing ecstatically. As he did, the rod suddenly crumbled to dust in her hand and fell into the sky, its durability expended. "Oh...hopefully we have more of those."

* * *

Shortly after, Dan was giving a post-battle briefing to the Shepherds. "Excellent job, the few of you I was actually able to send into battle! Let's do a quick roll call. Cordelia!"

"Here, sir!"

"Excellent. Fiora!"

"Here!"

"Phila!"

"Here."

"Vaike!"

"Here!" Vaike said, briefly pausing from continuing to kiss the ground.

"Kellam! ...Kellam? ...Bueller? ...he's probably here somewhere."

Meanwhile Fiora approached to Cerk and Miriel, holding one of the gravity rods. "This was the only one we were able to recover. My apologies, your magey-ness...es."

"Excellent work, Fiora," Cerk said, reaching for it. "I'll just…" As Fiora moved to pass the rod, Cerk's fingers fumbled for it momentarily and it slipped up from their hands, plummeting into the sky. They both reflexively craned their necks to watch its ascent and disappearance. "...oh, bother."

* * *

"Cordelia," Chrom's voice came as she was leaving the huddle. She froze in her tracks, unable to even turn to look at him. "I'm sorry we got off on an...odd foot earlier. I just wanted to say that I was quite impressed with your performance in the battle, I'm thankful that you...er, helped me return to the ground, and I'm willing to overlook whatever you were saying up there about the moon and the astral realm. To be honest, I was getting lightheaded myself from the bad air. I think you will make a worthy addition to the Shepherds. ...Cordelia?" With a supreme act of will, she managed to sprint away from him and hide up a nearby tree, heart racing.

"...and she's gone," Dan said, walking up. "I'd hoped to speak with her as well…"

"She is...certainly not what I expected. From what Phila had told me, I expected her to be cool, calm, confident. But in person, she seems more like a troubled, crazed loner whose delusions are her closest friends, driven by an unstoppable white-hot fire of berserker rage that she only just keeps under control!"

"And talking to you seems to bring that rage to the surface," Dan added. "As much as it pains me, I'll be standing the two of you together from now on."

"If only 'Marth 'were in the Shepherds, so you could stand us together…" Dan rolled his eyes and walked off. "You couldn't possibly understand how I feel about her!"

"Neither do you!"

"Stop blocking me!" Chrom yelled after him.

"For the last time, she's your—" This time Dan was interrupted by the shriek of a hawk diving down at his dinner. "Hey, my sandwich!"

* * *

Now Vaike approached Dan as he was heading to his tent, brushing feathers off himself. "Hey, Dan…"

"Ah, Vaike. All recovered from your gravity troubles?"

"Please don't remind me…"

"Sorry."

"Anyway...as I was mowing through all those dudes Gangrel kept sending at me, I really felt like I was beefing up and getting even more Vaike!"

"Yes, you were leveli...er, gaining skill and muscle mass."

"But then, about halfway through them, it was like I'd, uh, what's the word...plateaued! Any idea what gives?"

"Hm, you must be maxed out… Chrom!" He called the Lord back to them. "Vaike here needs a promotion. Do we have any Hero Crests?"

Chrom raised an eyebrow at him. "I have never heard of such an item...do you mean Master Seals?"

"No, Hero Crests. I don't know where you're coming from, but last I checked those are what Fighters like Vaike need to promote. We'll have to locate one. Frederick!"

Frederick straightened up from sweeping debris out of Chrom's path while on horseback. "Yes, Most Esteemed Holy—"

"Go find us a Hero Crest for Vaike," Dan interrupted. "Don't come back until you have one. If you succeed, you'll be a mere hairsbreadth from becoming a Most Esteemed Whatever yourself!"

"I shall return triumphant!" Frederick said, immediately spurring his tireless mount into a full gallop and disappearing into the trees.

"How long do you think he'll be gone?" Chrom asked.

Dan shrugged. "Who knows? A few hours, a few months...he'll be back when he's back."

"I miss him already…" Chrom said, immediately before tripping over a twig while standing still and faceplanting into the ground.

* * *

 _Will Dan recover his memories from his time as a Morph? Will Cordelia ever formulate a single rational sentence toward Chrom? How long will Frederick spend searching this time? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Imaginary Vaike? What has become of Kellam? How long will it take Dan to realize he's missing? Is "rapturity" even a word? Find out...some other time!_

 **I apologize for the** _ **other**_ **long delay on this chapter; it turns out owning a house is pretty time-consuming (but awesome).**

 **Cordelia: You! You're the author of this story, right? You control what happens? Please, please,** _ **please, PLEASE**_ **pair me with Chrom! Give me another chance! PLEEEEEASE! I'll do** _ **anything!**_

 **Dan: Even go out with me?**

 **Cordelia: Yes! Wait, no!**

 **Sorry, I have all the pairings worked out already. You'll be marrying one of the Deadlords and mothering a Severa with glowing red eyes and purple skin. Actually, I'm pairing all the Shepherd ladies with Deadlords because the children will look** _ **badass**_ **. I just need to decide between Mus and Porcus for you…**

 **Cordelia: What if Chrom died and came back as a Deadlord, and then I married him?**

 **Eew, no.**

 **Sainzilla: Would it please you if** _ **I**_ **went out with you, O handsome Dan?**

 **Dan: No! Get away from me!**

 **Lon'qu: Huh...that refusal sounded less than final. Sainzilla and Dan? Could it be?**

 **Sainzilla: Cerk, I don't think being excessively nice to Dan is working. In fact, it seems to be backfiring.**

 **Eliwood: Indeed… I was expecting him to appreciate having the pages of all his books pressed and straightened, but for some reason he seemed...offended?**

 **Cerk: Perhaps you're right...in that case, we'll go to my second contingency plan: in the event of Dan regaining his memories, we escape to Valm and pass ourselves off as a band of traveling performers! I'll be a magician; Sainzilla, you'll be an acrobat; Eliwood, you're a fool.**

 **Eliwood: Hey!**

 **Cerk: But in our troupe, you'll be a juggler!**

 **Eliwood: Oh. ...hey!**

 **Sainzilla: What about Fiora?**

 **Cerk: Oh, right, new Elibean...bearded lady?**

 **Fiora: Hey!**


	12. A Fauxmantic Interlude

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Eleventh and a Half—"A Fauxmantic Interlude"

* * *

Cerk came alongside Sainzilla after the battle at the border post. "Oh, Sainzilla, I almost forgot…"

"Yes?"

"It seems Lon'qu is under the impression that we are, er...secret lovers."

" _What?_ For sooth? Hah-a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" she uproariously laughed in a distinctly un-Priscilla-like manner. "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"That was more or less my reaction as well."

"...so, shall we mess with him?"

"Of course. What did you have in mind?"

* * *

Lon'qu felt his face burn with indignation as he watched the fair Sainzilla laugh—at him, no doubt! They knew his pain and suffering, the anguish he went through over her each day, and they found it _funny_! It only redoubled his determination to prove himself, somehow, to win the strangely-named Sainzilla's heart from that youthful twit, to—

Suddenly all thought, all feeling was ripped from him as he saw something that shook him to his core, a sight that would be burned into his eyes for all eternity. He wanted to cry out, but he was frozen in place, his whole body numb. He wanted to simply cry, but the anguish was beyond expression, beyond comprehension. His heart was a frozen ball of poison and agony. His soul was a tortured hell of fire and darkness from which he knew he would never escape. The sun had forever set on this desolate life, all light, all happiness, all goodness extinguished. _There are no gods. If there were, they would have made me blind so I would not have to watch that_ pup _kiss those perfect lips…_

* * *

"Well, that was...interesting," a blushing Cerk said.

"Blasted _weird_ , is more like it," said Sainzilla. "Sorry, Cerk, but it wasn't anything like kissing Lillian. Or Eliza. Or Tris…" She began to smile, reminiscing. "Gods, I miss being a man."

"I'm sure those women are all perfectly real," Cerk said in a tone that suggested he wasn't at all sure. "Assuming we keep this up, next time could you, er… not dip me? It feels odd when the woman does it."

"Oh...sorry. You're just shorter than I am, and it felt reflexive..."

"Shut up."

* * *

 **Yeah, sorry, I realized this should have been in the last chapter, and it doesn't fit in the next. Chapter 12 is on the way!**


	13. Love is Blind, Deaf, and Dumb

Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Twelfth—"Love is Blind, Deaf, and Dumb", or "Project Median Unveiled"

* * *

As soon as Chrom opened his tent door to begin his day, he was greeted by Cordelia, crouching next to it. He would have been startled if she hadn't been doing this ever since she joined the Shepherds. Now he was starting to get used to it. "Good morning, Chrom," she said. "You took 10,909 breaths while asleep last night."

"I see. Thanks again for staying up to count. How does that compare with my average?"

"You were about 316 over, but you also slept 16 minutes, 23 seconds longer than normal."

"Very good. Be sure to share your findings with Miriel."

"Of course." Chrom strode off, a little more confidently; Cordelia congratulated herself. _This is a good start. We have a rapport going! Now...if I can just talk to him normally about something other than empirical sleep-pattern data…_ As she continued thinking in this vein, she quickly fell asleep on the ground.

 _That Cordelia certainly lives up to her reputation,_ Chrom thought. _Ever since she joined us, she's been selflessly sacrificing her sleep to keep track of mine. Such respect for her commander! Such fierce dedication! I'll have to have Dan officially commend her for her tireless service._

* * *

Dan knelt along the dusty river just after sunrise, straining the trickle of refreshingly cool water through a spare cloth and into a jug. With each day they traveled, the country became flatter, drier, and less hospitable. Yet he felt a growing sense of peace that came with the knowledge of being where he was supposed to be. Where he was destined to be. He'd learned his lesson about messing with the order of things. The jug filled, he hauled it back onto the sandy riverbank. Glancing around to make sure no one was near, he reached into his robes, pulled out his player's guide, and studied the world map in the front. _Another few days' travel to our next battle, in the Border Sands.. This time there definitely won't be any crazy gravity cavalry or ridiculous unit limits or upside-down octopuses or whatnot… Everything will go according to plan._

* * *

Chrom had certainly been confused at his order to march northwest from the border post where they'd won their last victory, instead of west to press their advantage into the heart of Plegia or east to safeguard Ylisse. "To the border sands? Are you serious?" he had asked incredulously after Dan told him his plans.

"It is the only way," Dan said resignedly.

"But...why? There's nothing of strategic value in the desert, no towns, no fortifications, no resources!"

"It's where our next battle will be fought."

"Well, of course it will be if we go there. But as long as Gangrel is already retreating, why not fight our next battle at the gates of Plegia Castle itself?"

"Because then he'll sic his purple-dragons-that-breathe-swarms-of-bees or his armies of astrologer-mime-assassins or his elite deathsquads of zombie-pirate-ninja-monkeys on us! We'll get to Plegia Castle eventually, but we have to do it in the right order. The border sands come next. We have no other choice."

"Oh...I see. Did you actually encounter these things in your future past?"

"All of them."

* * *

Yes, Dan thought, things were so much simpler when you stuck to the script. He frowned at another place where the guide seemed to think his name was "Robin". It was the one area where he couldn't make reality match what was in the book. _What is with that? I can't expect it to know_ my _name, but why does it assume this one instead of just calling me "you" or "the tactician" like my old one did? If I ever meet whoever wrote this thing, I'll be sure to ask them._

"Ah, good morning, Dan," the present-day Chrom said, walking up to him. "I'm feeling very...healthy today. How are you?"

"I'm content, mostly. With how the terrain is opening up, I hope we can make excellent time today." Dan wondered, a little jealously, how Chrom had gotten past the crazed pegasus knight lurking outside his tent. But he supposed he couldn't be too picky at this point about who to pair Chrom with… "Say, Chrom, any interesting meetings this morning? Of a...romantic sort, perhaps?"

"None, Dan. You know as well as I do that we haven't seen 'Marth' since that night at the Castle Ylisse."

"Oh, not this agai—"

"There you go yet again, trying to interfere with our destiny! She will be mine, I swear it!"

"Well, she _is_ 'yours' in a way, since she's your—"

"Aha, I knew it; even you admit it! Tell me with your future wisdom, when will I see her again?"

"I'm not saying anything."

"Of course you aren't. All I have of her are memories." He closed his eyes to picture her better. "Her smile, bright and fleeting as a glimpse of sunlight on a cloudy day... Her hair, flowing like a sparkling mountain stream… Her footwork in battle, so precise and fluid it could be a ballroom dance… Her sword, quick as fire, striking each foe in turn like a snake…"

Phila turned on her heel and walked back the way she had come from the two, hoping neither had noticed her accidentally intruding on their conversation. _My, I had no idea Maribelle was so skilled with the sword! She hides it well. I suppose such hidden depths are why he forgot me and fell for her…_

"Her little finger, held just so around Falchion's hilt, almost like she was holding a teacup…" Chrom was continuing to rhapsodize. "Her eyes, so bright and determined, sparkling like a blue moon…"

"Yes, and if you look closer, you'll see one of them has—"

* * *

" _This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"_

" _You said it," Dan said, crouching next to Denning in the undergrowth. "Now, we'll have to stick to the shadows and be as silent as mice to avoid their scouts. That Rebecca may burn everything she cooks, but her dasted vision is like a cat's, and the full moon is tomorrow. A blue moon, incidentally."_

" _This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"_

" _Oh, come on. Any remotely serious astrologer knows the whole 'supermoon' thing is bunk. You can't see the difference at all."_

" _This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"_

"' _Three-wolf moon'? The idiotic stuff they come up with…"_

* * *

Dan felt himself lying on sandy ground, being shaken. "Dan? Dan?" He opened his eyes to see Chrom kneeling over him. "Thank the gods, you're awake. You have really got to stop doing that."

With Chrom's assistance, Dan climbed back to his feet. "Sorry to worry you. I would if I could, believe me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a perfectly ordinary rest-of-the-morning."

He soon arrived at the mess tent. "Frederick! Ride into yonder village and...oh, right. Stahl? Stahl…" Strange, he'd expected to find the perpetually-hungry cavalier around, at least.

"Huh, did someone holler?"

"Good morning Donny." _I've already had enough weird stuff for the day. Think normal...mundane...boring._ "Uh, are you on mess tent duty this morning?"

"Sure am!" Donny said proudly. "Thought ah'd cook up some rice this morning." He pulled the pot off his head, put it onto the campfire, and grabbed a skin to pour water into it. "Hope yer hungry!"

Dan tried not to stare at this sight. "Sure...I'm ravenous," He made a mental note to avoid the rice, and started tallying how many of Donny's breakfasts he'd eaten. "And...wait, who's that over there?"

Vaike straightened up from rummaging through a supply chest. "Yo, tactician Dan! Since I didn't have anything else goin' on, I thought I'd impart some of my master chef skills to Donny here!"

"Nope, no stealing experience! Go back to nothing duty!" _As delicious as his flaming steak, flaming mushrooms, flaming butter, and flaming ale were… Where is Frederick with that Hero Crest already?_

"Aw…" Vaike slumped out of the tent. "So bored…"

Dan turned back to Donny. "Er...how are our provisions doing?"

"Pretty good, considerin'. We've got plenty of water, with how many people you put on that detail and all. So many biscuits ah wonder if we'll make it through 'em all before they start to turn… Oh, but next chance we get, we gots to send someone to go buy some milk and eggs in town. Wherever _that_ is."

* * *

 _Dan stood in front of the ancient temple they were using as a forward base, relaying Nergal's orders to the morphs. "All of you there, grab weapons. You're on patrol duty for today. You two, explore the far northwestern temple, see if it has anything useful. You, fetch Lord Nergal some quintessence for his midmorning snack. You four, report to Limstella. And you…" Dan recognized this morph, unusually lanky and literally inhumanly good at swimming, and pulled out a shopping list written in Nergal's hand, stuffed in an enchanted bag. His abilities came in handy for keeping them provisioned out here on the Dread Isle. "Go buy some milk and eggs in town."_

* * *

"Dan! Dan!? Ah promise, we'll have more eggs and milk soon! And we still got plenty to eat until then! It'll be fine! Don't give up on me!" Seeing that Dan was awake, Donny easily lifted him back to his feet. "Ah, that's better. Shucks, Dan, you had me real worried there."

"I'm...fine," Dan said. "I was just...napping for a minute. Excuse me." He turned and left the mess tent, feeling annoyed. " _Go buy some eggs and milk in town"? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous._

Next he ran into Miriel, who seemed to be carrying a potted version of the cacti that surrounded their camp. "Salutations, Dan. You seem to be in need of advice, but alas, I am indisposed with the classification of the multiplicity of desert flora through which we are traveling, some of which may be unknown to science!"

"Ah," Dan said distantly. "Have you been finding many new ones?"

"Yes."

* * *

" _Is being Serra's property really_ that _bad?" Dan asked. "Bad enough that you'd...I don't even want to repeat it."_

" _Yes," Eliwood said flatly. "A thousand thousand times, yes."_

* * *

Dan was brought back to consciousness by a sharp, burning sensation on his eyeball. "Ahhh—wha!? Miriel, what were you doing!?"

"I offer my sincere apologies," Miriel said, backing off while holding a cactus needle. "I saw in your stuporous state a perfect opportunity to closely examine the intricacies of the human optical system. I did not anticipate that you would return to consciousness so promptly."

"Never do that again," Dan commanded, massaging his inflamed eyelid. "Except to Frederick."

"Or better yet, Project Median..." Miriel said to herself walking away. "Hmm, yes…"

" _Project Median"? What is she up to? And, wait...was Eliwood enslaved to Serra or something?_

* * *

"Hey Jeepers, what's up?"

"Oh, hey Gaius. Not much, just watching Lissa's changing of the guard ceremony… Wait, what did you call me!?"

"It's just what you say all the time. What's it mean, Jeepers?"

"It's what...I mean, don't call me that!"

"If you say so, Jeepers."

Ricken sighed deeply. "What do you want, Gaius?"

"So, I've heard tell that Pigtails there has quite the mobile candy stash..." He gestured vaguely towards Lissa, who was stiffly marching around a large sack with her staff leaning over her shoulder.

"You mean Lissa? Yeah, er...so have I."

"I want it."

"Oh, I bet. But if you think I'm gonna help you get it from her, by griminy, you're wrong!"

"Come ohhhn. If you help me, I'll split the candy fifty-fifty: I get half, and then I get the other half."

Ricken stared at him. "That's...not very enticing. And it makes no sense. And besides, this isn't even the real sta—" He cut himself off and clapped his hands over his mouth. "Sweet gollygosh, I shouldn't have said that!"

"See Jeepers, I knew you were on my side!" Gaius clapped him on the back amiably. "I won't waste any more time here; I'm off to find the mother lode. Thanks for the help!"

"Williard's whiskers, what have I done… I don't want to do anything to Lissa... What to do now… I've got to come clean!" He rose and walked straight to Lissa.

"Oh, Maxy? My next hair brushing isn't scheduled for another half hour, but if you're that eager..."

"No, not that… I've, er...come to offer my services as a double agent!"

"A double agent?"

"Yeah!"

"Don't you have to be a single agent first?"

"Yeah, I guess I kind of am, for Gaius."

Lissa's hair puffed out so quickly Ricken involuntarily jumped. "You're working for that candy thief!? That'll be the last mistake—"

"No, no, see, Gaius _thinks_ I'm helping him steal your candy, but actually I'll be helping you protect it! I can give him false information, use my disguise to help guard it and stuff!"

Lissa smiled again; her hair deflated almost as quickly. "Oh, I see! That sounds great!"

"And in exchange...could you...please stop calling me 'Maxy'?"

"Hmm… I suppose, Ricken. It was getting a little old anyway. Though I can't make any promises for Maribelle…"

"Yippee, thanks! Oh, and, um… I did kind of...reveal that this isn't your real stash. To make him trust me!"

"Oh. Well, guarding this bag of horse feed was getting dull anyway. Let's go make a plan!"

* * *

"Think of your arm, your body, and the horse as one unit, all focused behind the lance point. Like this. Yaaah!" Sainzilla spurred her pony to a gallop and charged, lashing forward with her staff.

Sully watched and applauded politely. "Nice stuff, powderpuff! Now watch me!" She repeated Sainzilla's move, raising quite a bit more dust behind her.

"Not bad, not bad. You're getting stronger each time we train!"

"Only 'cause I have such a good teacher. For a healer, you know a hell of a lot about horseplay."

"Well, that, red-armored cavalier really knew his way around a lance, and we were pretty close."

" _Really_ close, I bet," Sully said with a wink.

"O-Of course not!" Sainzilla sputtered. "Not like that!"

"Jeez, sorry I groundlessly speculated," Sully said. "Anyways, here I go again! Hah! Yaaaaaaah!" Sully thundered towards the quintain and sent it spinning rapidly with a loud _crack_ , deftly dodging the bag of sand that swung her way. She slowed and turned back, raising a fist in celebration. "Yeah! That time was perfect!"

"That it was!" Sainzilla said. "The lance is such a heroic weapon, sure to make the...the men swoon over you!"

Sully stared at her blankly. "Any man who _swoons_ can just keep on walkin'."

"Heh, right...different tastes, I suppose."

"Speaking of men who swoon, here comes Virion! Let's use what I've been practicing! Hah!" She spurred her mount and charged towards him.

"Heh heh hah hah!" Sainzilla guffawed, watching him flee in terror. "That'll teach him! That Sully is quite the knight… Not exactly my old type, but if Kent shows up here, I'm sure they'll hit it off." She looked up and saw the floating caption: _**Sully and Sain attained support level C.**_ "Huh?"

* * *

"Hm-hm-hmm-hmmm-Chrom…" Cordelia hummed to herself, carrying a sloshing bucket of water. "Hm? What the…"

A ragged, panting Virion ran up to her, doubling over with exhaustion. "My...my fair one...I...augh...gasp…"

"Oh my, what's-your-name, what happened to you?"

"Running...for my life...from a beautiful angel of death… Pursued me...through the...whole camp… Hoped your...ravishing smile...would revive...my fainting spirit..."

"I'm not sure what's been going on, but I'll defend you if it comes to that."

Virion started to catch his breath and straighten up. "Ah...thank you, lovely one. Say, has anyone ever told you how your eyes shine like a swarm of fireflies on a steamy summer night?"

"No, I suppose not. Say, do you know where Chrom is at the moment?"

"No idea, my lovely, but what does it matter? You and I are both here, and two is the best number for—"

"I'm taking this water to Chrom," Cordelia said. "See you later!"

Virion stared after her as she went. "It's...like flirting with a wall. A wall that I _will_ scale! For I am a fearless mountaineer scaling the breathtaking peaks of love and plumbing the bottomless abysses of heartbreak, and I shall rappel down the precipice of—yipe!" He brought his monologue to a screeching halt and dove behind a tent as he saw Sully approaching again.

* * *

"Stahl! Staaaahl!" Dan was trying to find the severely-underused cavalier to check his item loadout for the next battle. "Staaaahl! Where could he be…"

"Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!" he heard Stahl's panicked voice say. "Is that you!?"

"Stahl!?" Dan said, instantly on edge. "Where are you!? I'll come for you!"

"This way, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum! Follow my voice!"

"I'm coming! Almost there...here I—what the!?" Dan stopped and gaped at the sight of Stahl riding a unicycle, juggling a sword and two axes, his face haggard and bleary-eyed, gasping with exhaustion. "Stahl! What's happened to you?"

Miriel stepped in front of Stahl, somehow-shining glasses blazing. "On the contrary, my dear Dan, the real question you should be asking is: 'What's happened to fifty percent of our army?'!"

Cerk walked in front of her, his glasses shining equally brightly. He soon put them away, though, since he had no need for them besides the dramatic effect. "Allow me to elaborate, faithful assistant. You now stand before our crowning accomplishment of the last few months… Project MEDIAN!" He summoned a few thunderbolts around him to emphasize this last word.

Dan stared at him in confusion. "That doesn't make things any more elaborate, or clear."

"Then allow me to clarify the brilliant-but-obscure words of my esteemed associate here," Miriel said smoothly, stepping in front of him. "Through a battery of rigorous tests, we have determined that Stahl here occupies the exact median of every conceivable numerical metric. In any given field, fifty percent of the Shepherds are worse than him, and fifty percent are better."

"What's more," Cerk said, stepping in front of her, "we have determined that this effect works both ways. By improving our dear friend Stahl's proficiency at a skill, we ensure that fifty percent of the Shepherds will improve at least as much, so as to keep him at the median! By training Stahl, we train an army!"

Miriel stepped in front of Cerk yet again and continued. "Perhaps you have noticed strange improvements among half of the Shepherds in a variety of areas: literacy, whistling, one-handed clapping, balance, handwriting, singing voice, hair luster...all of these changes and more are due to our tireless efforts with Project Median."

Dan took a step back from the mages, who by now were uncomfortably close to him. "So, let me get this straight...you determined that half of the Shepherds are always better than Stahl at anything, and then to exploit this, you've been teaching him parlor tricks and circus acts!?"

"Precisely!" said Miriel and Cerk together, practically glowing with pride.

"You idiots! You cretins! I should put you both on scrubbing duty for a month!"

"Yes! Thank you. kind Dan!" Stahl said tearfully. "Please free me from the living hell my life has become!"

"No more frivolous skills," Dan continued, ignoring his pleas. "From now on, focus on building his basic stats: strength and speed especially, maybe also skill and magic power."

"Wh-whaaaat!?" Cerk, Miriel, and Stahl sputtered.

"But...I was going to teach him—and therefore half the Shepherds—to be a perfect research assistant…" Miriel said.

"And I was going to teach him to sing and dance every part of Hammersmith's _Twelve Romantic Knights_!" Cerk protested. He noticed Miriel glaring at him. "Oh, didn't I tell you about that? It would be delightful. When we're done saving Ylisse, we could become a traveling performance troupe!"

"No! Basic stats only!" Dan said, turning to walk away. "You know, for smart people, you're not really very smart."

"No, Dan! Come back!" Stahl pleaded. "Please put an end to this torment!"

"Quiet, or we'll hand you off to Frederick when he gets back," Miriel said.

"Aaaah! I'll be good."

* * *

"Eliwood, weird question," Dan said, approaching the onetime lord.

"What is it, Dan?"

"This may sound strange, but were you ever...enslaved to Serra?"

Eliwood raised an eyebrow at him. "...yes. Who told you that?"

"No one...I guess this means some parts of my visions really are true."

Eliwood started back from him. "You...you saw that!? Elimine!.I have to go!"

Dan stared at him as he ran away. "I guess that was a really painful time of his life. I can only imagine…"

* * *

Lon'qu's clothes, now dyed all black, burned like fire in the desert heat, but his heart remained a withered ball of ice. He sat motionless on top of a mesa, looking down at the happy couple walk by below. _Look at them, so happy… The perfect girl, on the arm of that wisecracking usurper… Alone together in a private heaven..._ He numbly watched Cerk tell her a joke and savored her uproarious laughter, even if it wasn't toward him. How he ached for the days when he was the one making her smile and laugh… _What do they talk about? Is there anything left to say in the midst of such bliss?_

* * *

"My next idea: you will lead Dan to believe you're carrying his child, so if he snaps again he'll at least spare you, and possibly others at your request."

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Heh-ha-ha-ha! Heh...are you actually serious?"

"Don't worry, you can just use cushions."

* * *

 _Does she understand even half of the pain she has caused me?_ He thought. _A quarter? An eighth? A tenth? A twentieth? A hundredth? A—_

His divided thoughts were interrupted by the _swoosh_ of wings and a rush of air. "There you are!" Fiora exclaimed, climbing down from her pegasus. "Dinner is being served and we couldn't find you...is something wrong?"

Lon'qu curled up defensively as she approached. "Away, woman! Please, don't come any closer. It...makes me uncomfortable."

"Hm, you remind me of my little sister," she said. She turned and reached into a saddle bag. "Would...this help?" When she turned back, she was sporting an elaborate dark mustache that drooped down past her chin.

He couldn't help but smirk at how absurd she looked. "It does, somewhat. ...wait, why did you have that?"

"It's so Dan will...not important now. So, what's the matter?"

"It's… No. You wouldn't understand."

"Please, let me at least try. I mean, this is the first time I've even spoken to you since I joined the company, you've been so reclusive! What's eating at you?"

"It's...Sainzilla. She is...my true love. I know it. I _feel_ it! She isn't like any other girl I've met."

"She sure isn't," Fiora said, trying to keep her voice even.

"Exactly! Around her I'm not tense or scared, I'm...happy. I feel a peace I normally only find in the arena. But where once we spoke often and spent many happy hours together, now she spurns me in favor of _Cerk_!" He enunciated the name like an expletive. "It's enough to...are you _laughing!?_ "

Fiora managed to catch her breath. "Well, yes! Has—"

"I _knew_ you wouldn't understand! Just leave me to suffer!" He sprang to his feet and ran straight down the mesa wall, out of sight.

Fiora watched him flee, dumbfounded. "What a fool… He's certainly in for a rude awakening." She reached up to feel her mustache as it blew in the wind. "Strange… But I could almost get used to it."

* * *

That night was a dark night. A night perfect for sneaking, for subterfuge, for candy-stash raiding.

"Okay, it's gotta be close…" Gaius said quietly to himself. "Jeepers said it'll be marked 'pottery'...just gotta check for the false bottom." He prowled around the stacks of crates, quietly knocking on the base of each. "Come on...come on…" He rapped on one that sounded distinctly candy-like (somehow). "Sweet! So close...just—"

"Unhand that innocent crate!" a deep voice said. Gaius whipped around and saw a _huge_ figure—like seven feet tall!—approaching him rapidly.

"Hey, what the-!?"

"The only thing you'll be tasting tonight is _justice_ , thief! Elwind!" A violent gust flung Gaius away from the crates; he landed on his feet and leapt into the shadows to hide from the enormous mage.

"Who the heck are _you_!?"

The massive magic-user held out his arm dashingly and made his cloak billow behind him. "I am Maxavier Aurelius! An archmage of the first order! Keeper of the sacred words! Lissa's candy-guard, defender of all things sweet and lovely!"

"Gwaah, where did Lissa _find_ you!? A candy store would be easier than this heist!" The red-haired thief turned, sprinted off into the darkness and disappeared.

"Heh-heh-heh," 'Maxavier Aurelius' chuckled to himself as he holstered his tome. "Let's see him try and steal from this stash again! Jeepers, Lissa's going to be happy with me! ...jeepers, I really do say it a lot. ... _jeepin' jeepers! Ahh!_ "

* * *

"...after Geraldus returned to Teshar, he was greeted with universal acclaim. The dragon's skull was enshrined in a statue that stands on the city walls to this day. High King Osuchu gave him the hand of his eldest daughter, Princess Ooeuiea, in marriage and crowned him with the legendary Crest of Chadosia upon his brow." The docent gestured at the crest sitting before them in a transparent case.

"I see…" Frederick said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "And would you say this Geraldus could be considered...a hero?"

"Oh, absolutely. With the threat of the dread sorcerer Biqanix ended, Teshar entered a new golden age. The Council of Nine—"

"Very well. Give me the crest," Frederick interrupted.

"I'm...sorry?"

"I'm requisitioning this hero crest in the name of the Exalt."

"I'm afraid it is not anyone's to take, sir, on the Exalt's behalf or otherwise. It is a priceless historical artifact."

" _I'm_ afraid I must insist. My liege direly requires it."

"Well, you cannot have it. Good day."

Frederick draw his short sword. "Then I have no choice but to take it by force!"

"What!? Guards! He's gone mad!"

* * *

 _Will Dan manage to escape Gangrel's zombie-pirate-ninja-monkey hordes? Will Frederick face justice for his crimes against history? Will Chrom, Lon'qu, or Cordelia ever realize the truth about their respective objects of affection? When will Gaius' crippling sugar addiction finally catch up with him? Did the Shepherds actually travel anywhere today, or just hang out around the camp? Find out the answers to all, some, or probably none of these questions next time!_

 **Ricken: Chrom, there's a guy in weird robes hand signing astrological symbols at me!** _ **Threateningly!**_

 **Chrom: He's probably just excited about the Catastrophe Moon tonight. I know I am. Say, Miriel, have you made any charts of the sleep data Cordelia has been gathering?**

 **Miriel: I beg your pardon, commander?**

 **Cordelia: Zzz… Zzz… Zzz...**

 **Cerk: Fiora, do you have that… Ah, you're wearing it already! Just as I thought, you'll make an excellent bearded lady!**

 **Fiora:** _ **That's**_ **what it was for!?**

 **Cerk: Of course; what else would you use a false mustache for?**

 **Fiora: Something actually clever!**

 **Stahl: Pant… Pant… Someone… Help…**

 **Miriel: You can run, Stahl, but you cannot truly escape! Even your attempts to flee improve half of the Shepherds' athletic abilities!**

 **Stahl:** _ **Nooooooo!**_

 **Gaius: Jeepers, we got a problem! A big one! Literally!**

 **Ricken: Jeepers, whatever could it be?**

 **Gaius: This** _ **enormous**_ **mage guy guarding the stash! He was, like, eight taffy ropes tall!**

 **Ricken: Gulpin' gourds, you don't say? Was he devastatingly handsome, mature, and heroic-looking?**

 **Gaius: Kinda, I guess.**

 **Ricken: Only 'kinda'!? Were you even paying attention? How old did he look?**

 **Gaius: Uh… I'm gonna go ask someone else.**


End file.
